Mominatrix

Mominatrix's Complete Guide to Mustache Rides

By Kristen Chase

During the month of November each year, thousands of men across the United States and the world shave their faces clean and then grow all sorts of facial hair styles as part of "Movember" to help raise funds and awareness for men's health and the cancers that most commonly affect men.

This also begins the month where women across the United States and world, some of whom are unfortunately named "Mo Sistas" in support of their hair growing spouses, start bitching about their men's facial hair.

"It's itchy! It's scratchy! It gets food stuck in it!"

But what these women seem to forget is that what uncomfortably tickles their lips does a fine job at tickling the other ones. So fine, in fact, that you should all stop your bitching and enjoy nature's sex toy: Fabulous friction-causing facial hair.

So, in solidarity and appreciation of the Movember efforts, particularly this group which recently hit 50 members strong, the Mominatrix presents her Complete Guide to Mustache Rides.

Hop on, ladies!

EXFOLIATOR

For a creamy complexion

THE COCKNEY SLANG

Please, sir, may I have some more?

THE WIGGLY CATERPILLAR

The early bird catches the worm

THE TEDDY THROE-SEVELT

Let him in your oval office

THE HOT-BUTTON CHOPS

Call of the wild

THE EWOK-YOUR-WORLD

Small in stature but persistent as hell

THE ARRESTING OFFICER

You have the right to make him remain silent

THE FULL MOUNTIE

The royal treatment

REVERSE SASQUATCH

Feed the monster

SNAPPER WRAPPER

She's a man eater

Special thanks to @whithonea, @LOD, and @slarkpope for their mustache and beard name contributions. And for more information about Movember and how you can donate, check out Brian Braiker's Movember Admeme at AdWeek.



Read more: sex, charity, mominatrix

You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways." -- Samuel McChord Crothers