During the month of November each year, thousands of men across the United States and the world shave their faces clean and then grow all sorts of facial hair styles as part of "Movember" to help raise funds and awareness for men's health and the cancers that most commonly affect men.
This also begins the month where women across the United States and world, some of whom are unfortunately named "Mo Sistas" in support of their hair growing spouses, start bitching about their men's facial hair.
"It's itchy! It's scratchy! It gets food stuck in it!"
But what these women seem to forget is that what uncomfortably tickles their lips does a fine job at tickling the other ones. So fine, in fact, that you should all stop your bitching and enjoy nature's sex toy: Fabulous friction-causing facial hair.
So, in solidarity and appreciation of the Movember efforts, particularly this group which recently hit 50 members strong, the Mominatrix presents her Complete Guide to Mustache Rides.
Hop on, ladies!
For a creamy complexion
THE COCKNEY SLANG
Please, sir, may I have some more?
THE WIGGLY CATERPILLAR
The early bird catches the worm
THE TEDDY THROE-SEVELT
Let him in your oval office
THE HOT-BUTTON CHOPS
Call of the wild
Small in stature but persistent as hell
THE ARRESTING OFFICER
You have the right to make him remain silent
THE FULL MOUNTIE
The royal treatment
Feed the monster
She's a man eater
Special thanks to @whithonea, @LOD, and @slarkpope for their mustache and beard name contributions. And for more information about Movember and how you can donate, check out Brian Braiker's Movember Admeme at AdWeek.