In a recent interview, inimitable
Lady Gaga was quoted as saying she can give herself an orgasm without anything but her mind.
"I love sex. You know, sense memory is a powerful thing. I can give myself an orgasm just by thinking about it."
The idea that a woman can give herself mental self pleasure is not a new one, nor is it really that surprising since everyone always says the brain is really the sexiest organ.
That would also explain how women can find Owen Wilson and Adrian Brody sexy.
For most women, the brain is their on and off button, with the assistance of some sort of manual stimulation, of course, but still in charge of the power surge or blackout. Women tend to have more vivid memories than men and they know how to use them to their advantage.
Take, for instance, how you can accurately recall the number of times you've had to pick up your partner's underwear off the floor and change a dirty diaper during Sports Center. And consider how you survive the 400th dirty diaper change and same exact bedtime story ten nights in a row.
It's no surprise then, that the woman's mind contributes to enhancing their sexual experience. Whether it's remembering past flings or creating new fantasies, a woman's brain needs as much stimulation, if not more, than her actual visible body parts.
But the brain alone with absolutely no help from a friendly hand, tongue, or penis (real or rechargeable silicone) requires a lot of brain power, which is something moms don't have a lot of to spare.
What exactly does a 23-year-old childless pop star need to think about? Lord knows a 4-year-old could design Gaga's red carpet outfits, and her lyrics, while catchy, are not the renderings of a creative genius.
But for moms, between the breastfeeding -- for some anyway -- and lack of sleep, they're losing brain cells at a record pace.
Combine that with the schedules, eating habits, and other extremely important information they've got to pack in their heads, like remembering to put four extra binkies in the crib facing due south so your child won't wake up four times a night or ensuring that your children will actually eat dinner by serving it on the correct color-coded plates and silverware, at just the right temperature, so that it does not get thrown at your head.
So, with what brain cells you have left, you enjoy using them to do important things -- like "LOL-ing" on your friend's up-to-the-minute Facebook updates and choosing between Team Bethenny or Team Jill during the always compelling
Real Housewives of New York.
However, the mental orgasm skill goes beyond the usefulness of self pleasure. While certainly an immediate and satisfying benefit, giving yourself an orgasm just by thinking about it is the perfect way to combat the asshats and douchebags moms encounter on a daily basis in a socially appropriate manner:
1. The Nosy Mother-in-Law
The next time your mother-in-law decides to give you unsolicited advice about how to parent your children, just take a bite of her son's "favorite mashed potatoes" and moan. And it won't be because of the light, whipped texture she's so famous for.
2. The Snooty Neighborhood Mom
When you're forced to endure an impromptu performance of your neighbor's 2-year-old playing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the violin, you can "ooh" and "aah" and really mean it. Just be sure to time them properly.
3. The School Car Pool Line Jerk
Instead of flipping off the annoying mom who always cuts you off, flash her a huge grin. That usually pisses people off even more anyway.
Now that you have practical applications for the mental orgasm, the only part left is mastering the skill, which really shouldn't be that hard. Just imagine a full night's sleep, a completely quiet meal, or your favorite hot celebrity waiting on your every beck and call.
See. That should have given you three right there.
