Mominatrix

Am I a horny old lady?

By Kristen Chase

A few weeks ago, my husband called me "a horny old lady."

I don't think he meant it to be a compliment, but I took it as one.

An ad for some Ryan Reynolds movie was flashing across our television set, and as I scrambled to find the remote control so I could turn up the volume and record it on my DVR for those quiet nights alone, that's when he said it.

I suppose doing a couch dive to hear a few seconds of my Hollywood crush's voice might seem a little desperate. But when a dude makes a cat call at the screen or lets drool drip slowly from his gaping mouth during a Victoria's Secret commercial, he's not horny or old.

In fact, people probably don't even say a thing.

Perhaps my husband was expressing his jealousy of my affection for Ryan Reynolds, and by somehow shaming my extremely grandiose attention to him and his abs, I'd turn around and give him the same.

Women have spent years dealing with ridiculous stereotypes that deem their overt sexual behavior to be deviant, whereas their male counterparts' similar and usually more over the top behavior is applauded. Exalted.

Whether it's guys giving each other a hearty hi-five slap after hooting and hollering over scantily clad cheerleaders or a clink of shot glasses after a successful score at a club or bar, this blatant expression of sexuality, while eyeroll-worthy, is a common societal fixture.

But even in 2012, women are somehow expected to remain demure, only slightly more modernized than Downton Abbey's Dowager Countess.

Or they're slutty whorebags with their vagina hanging out from under their skirt a la Jersey Shore.

The hard truth is that women can be just as sexual as men, but because our expression of our desires has always been relegated to the bedroom where slutty behavior has been deemed acceptable, we're left to drool in silence.

We still cheer, albeit quietly, when we see half naked men (and women). We fawn over their bare asses, sculpted pecs, and six-pack abs, inside our heads. And while you men are ogling those cheerleaders, we've got our eyes on the players in those hot tight pants while we stuff our faces with nachos, imagining just what we'd do if we accidentally found ourselves in the locker room after the game.

But sometimes, something is so unbelievably female-erection inspiring that we act like dudes.

Now this doesn't make us "horny old ladies." It makes us human.

And maybe instead of calling us names, you should try to figure out why we're not jumping couches for you.



Read more: mominatrix, sex, marriage

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Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." -- Dr. David M. Burns