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Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy? |
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Here’s hoping you’ve been putting aside money for long term therapy or intensive psychiatric care along with that 529 College Savings Plan. Truth be told, most kids aren’t hugely traumatized by seeing their parents having sex, but when asked, they can almost always offer a scarily detailed recount of the exact moment in time when it happened. It’s like a childhood rite of passage: first broken bone, first kiss, first time you saw your naked parents going at it. On the bright side, it’s not such a bad thing for your kids to see that you actually still care about each other enough to send the very best pelvic thrusts that your old haggard body can muster. In fact, it should really give them hope that after pushing out a few little rugrats you’re not institutionalized and still fairly human. Good luck to you on that one. Babies and toddlers are generally pretty easy to distract from your butts in the air with some type of television program (which you probably should have had on in the first place) or candy-related bribe. Reward them with a sex lollipop, prop them in front of the television, and go back on your merry way. With a preschooler, it’s probably best to address the situation in simple terms as opposed to letting it go because the last thing you want is for your kid to bring it up during show and tell. Or in this case, just tell. When it comes to the older set, clearly you don’t want your ass being the topic of discussion at the next sleepover party. Because while you’d like to think your kids have more to talk about than “so-and-so’s” mom and dad bumping wookies on a Saturday night, just remember what you talked about as a kid at those sort of gatherings and you’ll quickly realize that they’ll probably be shoving their mouths full of Twizzlers and popcorn as your kid gives them the play-by-play. This is not to say that you shouldn’t be free to experience your love making any which way and in any place you choose. But considering we’ve all heard stories with added sound effects of how parents used to close the door every Saturday afternoon and “have mommy and daddy time,” if you think they don’t have a clue, chances are they probably know exactly what you’re doing and are listening to you through the door with a strategically placed glass. Except now kids have cell phones with voice recorders and Flip cameras. Best not underestimate the power of your technologically savvy child. So when it comes to having sex while kids old enough to spill the beans to every Tom, Dick, and Mother-in-Law inhabiting your house, you might want to consider some strategies before banging without discretion, which include, but are not limited to locking the door (genius, right?), turning off the lights, and saving your sessions for way after bedtime or when they’re spending the night at Granny’s house. Timing it for when your kids are about to get off the school bus might not have been your smartest move ever. And since it probably took some strategy in having your kids, setting up some type of sex schedule or hell, simple ground rules so not to expose your kids to your sweaty naked bodies before he’s mentally prepared shouldn’t be to hard to do. Although kids are probably never ever mentally prepared to see their parents do it. If they do still happen to catch you, for God sakes don’t freak out like they just saw a naked ghost. It was probably bad enough seeing you do it; you don’t want them to think they did something punishable by long hours without television or Wii. Just tell them to go back to their room, put your clothes back on, and take the time to talk with them about what actually went down, in age appropriate language of course. It’s important for them to know and understand that you and your spouse engage in a little naked hugging and exercising on a regular basis. You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential. |
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1. mom101
Sep 05, 2008 16:28
The one time I walked in on my mom I was 17. I didn't get a lollipop.Maybe it would have helped.
2. LiteralDan
Sep 08, 2008 17:46
"Bumping wookies"... George Lucas would be so proud. Now all I can hear is that famous Wookiee* cry-- hopefully it goes away before it comes back in my head at an inopportune time. How would I explain that one?* Please note that my knowing the correct, though stupid, spelling of "Wookiee" does not reflect an excessive appreciation for Star Wars but rather my sponge-like brain for spelling and an overly zealous dedication to precision in all forms.**
** Hence the name.
3. The Ish
Sep 12, 2008 12:56
I could only HOPE for something so great! My soon-to-be-ex-husband hasn't slept w/me since our son was conceived (hence, the soon-to-be-ex part). I'm sure my son thinks I'm a nun by now...'till next time...
4. Pet
Sep 20, 2008 21:57
I haven't laughed so hard in a while. Nothing better than having a 2 and a half year old's little voice around the edge of the bed going "daddy done" OMG we could have died and of course yep we were done... for a while. And now we get to have the horror of it all over again when our new little bundle of joy can reach the door handles. I think a wind chime is in order!!5. Caught in the Act
Nov 30, 2008 00:45
Help? Our 9 year old daughter came up the basement stairs as my wife was performing oral sex on me. Clothes were on, and my back was to her. Wife was sitting on a chair in front of me. When we noticed her there, she looked shocked and said only ... what? Like she was asking what WE were looking at. I immediately left the room and zipped up and my wife acted like nothing happened and went off to challenge her to a Rock Band session. She seemed extra well-behaved for the rest of the night. Maybe she actually SAW nothing, but is wondering what was going on. She's certainly not sexually uninformed. Doesn't know how babies are conceived, but knows about monthly periods, etc. What can you recommend we do? Leave it alone or discuss with her? HELP! Thanks.6. Elzabeth
Mar 23, 2009 01:19
you make me laugh so hard! how have i avoided the interruptus so long (oldest kid is 8)? nevermind, I hope to avoid it but when i do, iŽll remember the wookie cry and explain it as some star wars ritual. still belly laughing!........7. shari
Jan 21, 2010 20:25
ok so my 11 year old daughter walked in on me performing oral sex on my bf. never happened before in my life, not sure who is more traumatized, her or us lol. should i be worried about her frame of mind? more importantly should i worry about her repeating it to anyone. i have no idea how much she saw because she is now avoiding me. omfg im mortified! what do i do?