Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?

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All’s fair with love and sex until that wee one you produced after long months of robotic sex or that one drunken unmemorable screw is old enough to walk in on you doing the dirty deed.

Here’s hoping you’ve been putting aside money for long term therapy or intensive psychiatric care along with that 529 College Savings Plan.

Truth be told, most kids aren’t hugely traumatized by seeing their parents having sex, but when asked, they can almost always offer a scarily detailed recount of the exact moment in time when it happened. It’s like a childhood rite of passage: first broken bone, first kiss, first time you saw your naked parents going at it.

On the bright side, it’s not such a bad thing for your kids to see that you actually still care about each other enough to send the very best pelvic thrusts that your old haggard body can muster. In fact, it should really give them hope that after pushing out a few little rugrats you’re not institutionalized and still fairly human.

Of course, the amount of memory and possible trauma depends on how old your kids are, and exactly what you were doing when they caught you. There’s just way more explanations for actual sex, like “hugging” or “exercising” than you receiving or giving oral sex; sucking on someone’s private parts is a pretty tough one to explain.

Good luck to you on that one.

Babies and toddlers are generally pretty easy to distract from your butts in the air with some type of television program (which you probably should have had on in the first place) or candy-related bribe. Reward them with a sex lollipop, prop them in front of the television, and go back on your merry way. 

With a preschooler, it’s probably best to address the situation in simple terms as opposed to letting it go because the last thing you want is for your kid to bring it up during show and tell. Or in this case, just tell.

When it comes to the older set, clearly you don’t want your ass being the topic of discussion at the next sleepover party. Because while you’d like to think your kids have more to talk about than “so-and-so’s” mom and dad bumping wookies on a Saturday night, just remember what you talked about as a kid at those sort of gatherings and you’ll quickly realize that they’ll probably be shoving their mouths full of Twizzlers and popcorn as your kid gives them the play-by-play.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t be free to experience your love making any which way and in any place you choose. But considering we’ve all heard stories with added sound effects of how parents used to close the door every Saturday afternoon and “have mommy and daddy time,” if you think they don’t have a clue, chances are they probably know exactly what you’re doing and are listening to you through the door with a strategically placed glass. Except now kids have cell phones with voice recorders and Flip cameras. Best not underestimate the power of your technologically savvy child.

So when it comes to having sex while kids old enough to spill the beans to every Tom, Dick, and Mother-in-Law inhabiting your house, you might want to consider some strategies before banging without discretion, which include, but are not limited to locking the door (genius, right?), turning off the lights, and saving your sessions for way after bedtime or when they’re spending the night at Granny’s house. Timing it for when your kids are about to get off the school bus might not have been your smartest move ever. And since it probably took some strategy in having your kids, setting up some type of sex schedule or hell, simple ground rules so not to expose your kids to your sweaty naked bodies before he’s mentally prepared shouldn’t be to hard to do.

Although kids are probably never ever mentally prepared to see their parents do it.

If they do still happen to catch you, for God sakes don’t freak out like they just saw a naked ghost. It was probably bad enough seeing you do it; you don’t want them to think they did something punishable by long hours without television or Wii.

Just tell them to go back to their room, put your clothes back on, and take the time to talk with them about what actually went down, in age appropriate language of course.

It’s important for them to know and understand that you and your spouse engage in a little naked hugging and exercising on a regular basis.

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