With my own spouse gone most of the week and millions of other women playing single parent in one capacity or another thanks to military deployments and numerous companies requiring business travel, I’m betting that sex toy sales must be sky rocketing. But what many people probably don’t know is that while absence may definitely make the heart grow hornier, once the excitement wears off, there’s still a lot of super singular sex happening in homes across the country.
My spouse works out of town on business way too many days a month. Every time he comes back, the sex is definitely hot but not exactly satisfying, at least in my case. What’s going on? - Susan
It’s definitely true that a bit of separation from your chosen can do wonders in the bedroom. Seeing the same tired mug day in and day out can most certainly become monotonous. And while there are plenty of gadgets and gizmos to help spice things up when the going gets tough, there’s nothing like getting a few days away from the one you love to rev things back up in the sack; body parts seem a bit newer and more interesting after you haven’t had to push them off of you.
However, after a few weeks and sometimes months without having the regular presence of your spouse and his unit, bedroom time can actually become a bit awkward. And you realize that while it’s great to sleep spread eagle alone in your bed, there’s definitely something amiss when it comes to your actual relationship.
Having a spouse that’s away from home more than not creates various intimacy issues that many couples tend not to address. The moments where you’re chatting over smushed peas or brushing your teeth in your finally quiet house all actually lend themselves to a happy and fulfilled sex life, because in those snippets of togetherness, you’re connecting. Granted, it might not be the most quality of time, especially when you’d much rather be bonding over a beer at your favorite pub, or a dinner at your favorite local Cuban joint, but the truth of the matter is, when you’re a parent of even just one child, the short chats over your kid’s screams add up.
But when you’re talking to your spouse for 15 minutes a night at best, and most of that time is spent with him trying to connect with the kids, your relationship can become stagnant. You’re unable to say anything more than a passing “Miss you” if even that with your kids grabbing at you and the phone, and your own personal needs, those very important needs, get lost.
And when he comes home and you’re fighting the urge to not jump his bones -- that is after you’ve gotten some extra sleep and have been relieved from all diaper changing duties, you feel as though something is missing. And what manifests as possible sexual dysfunction, or what I call “Where Oh Where Has My Orgasm Gone?,” is really just an issue of plain old intimacy.
The only problem is that when you’ve got to cram a week’s worth of lost time together into two days, the snuggles, cuddles, and face time get traded in for cleaning the house, spending time with the kids, and the favorite pastime for work separated couples, fighting.
It’s not to say that a couple of sex toys might help solve your problem, but quite frankly, the answer will probably just require a bit more time, and way less batteries.
Point blank, you and your husband have got to spend time alone. Clearly, that’s going to take extra effort, and in some cases, extra money. You might have to convince him to hire someone to mow the lawn or paint your daughter’s room. And you might have to hire a babysitter every weekend for a few hours so you can grab a quick meal and stare at each other lovingly without having to stop your conversation to break up wrestling matches between your children.
And instead of jumping right into the sack like crazed animals, you should probably consider taking it slowly and providing each other with just a little love and support before you dive head first into the hot monkey sex. Clearly, the presence of another person, namely your significant other, should most definitely enhance your sexual experience and bring you closer together as a couple and as parents, and not have you watching the clock and reaching for your trusty vibrator after he falls asleep.
You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.
Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.
