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Kickin' It Old School. |
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Except you’re pregnant and can only do shots of juice. Now, I realize that many women have some kind of magical, sexual awakening thanks to a combination of that first-trimester freedom and an incredible surge of hormones. But for many, that release and surge is quickly dashed by unsatisfying sex, thus lending itself to some pretty frustrated pregnant women or rabid dogs. Yes, it’s true. A little known side effect to the beloved 2nd trimester is the marked beginning of uncomfortable sex. Your belly starts to noticeably grow, your back begins to ache, and intercourse starts to feel like someone is trying to break through your cervix with a sledgehammer. Granted, the 2nd trimester sex is clearly 15,000 times better than whatever you call those sorry attempts at sex during the 3rd trimester. At least when you’re still moderately pregnant, you don’t feel like your spouse is humping a beached whale out of complete and utter pity, or I suppose, in some cases, desperation. All this does not mean, however, that you should resolve yourself to a sexless pregnancy. You’ve already been forced off the bottle, so do not deprive yourself of another pleasure. It just means that you might need to get creative, or kick it “old school.” Now “old school” sex is what you did back in “the day,” you know when you could actually get away with saying “back in the day” without sounding like a complete idiot. I’m talking about college, high school, or hell, junior high if you were extremely advanced. Seriously though, the old school sex is what you did before actual intercourse was on the menu. It might be hard to remember, but before that fun stuff you used to do to get off got relegated to “foreplay,” that’s all you actually used to do. And what I’ve discovered is that with a few handy, battery-operated adaptations, going “retro” in the 2nd trimester bedroom can work wonders for both parties involved. I’ve never really been a fan of the dry hump, but if you happened to come from a conservative background, my guess is that you are the master. I am by no means supporting that you engage in a literal dry hump, but a little grabbing, licking, and even biting through the clothes can be super hot. Unlike the olden days, I do suggest allowing this particularly activity to lead to something else or add a sex toy or two into the mix. The last thing you need along with stretch marks is dry hump burn. If the dry hump brings back too many bad memories, the “everything but” or the “pseudo-virgin” can also be mutually satisfying. Just make sure to start slowly and breathe. Blow jobs and pregnancy can be pretty damn difficult, particularly if you’re suffering from pregnancy induced rhinitis. Invest in an oxygen mask or breathe out the side like a swimmer. Conversely, your business has probably undergone a bit of a change as well, so spruce up “your girl” while you can. Keep in mind that this isn’t supposed to lead to anything (think of your reputation! Heh), so work every angle thoroughly. And finally, “just the head” can be extremely titillating, particularly as a grand finish to either of the other techniques. It provides both you and your partner with some penetrative satisfaction without you having to worry about a bruised cervix in the morning. Just consider offering some manual stimulation at the same time. When all else fails, consider getting your spouse a shower gift of his very own. You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential. |
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1. Ottawa Mom
May 24, 2008 21:33
Great article, and a good reminder. When I was pregnant (nearly 9 years ago now) I remember the unending advice and commentary. It seems to be an uncontrollable urge. As I head into my attempt at a second child, I will remember that it's not just me that's getting this advice, but all poor pregnant women across the globe. And I will remember to keep my advice to myself. ;)