Mominatrix

Pleasure is just around the corner.

By Kristen Chase
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not just porn stars, ass men, and that ambiguously gay college boyfriend of yours who just so happened to own every single Cher album that like the butt play.

Regular old moms like the butt action too.

Granted, the post-baby butt can be a bit more complicated to enjoy, particularly when even you need a map to insert your own hemorrhoid suppositories and the thought of your poor bedraggled asshole makes you fear your daily bowel movement.

But when all the other obvious spots on your post partum body have otherwise been dulled by the joys of childbirth, the butt can be an extremely sensitive and arousing area.

That is if you can get around the whole poop thing.

I suppose if you deal with poop on a regular basis, like most of us do or have done at one time or another, in theory it shouldn’t be a big deal. But truthfully, I don’t know too many people who actually enjoy the smell of fresh shit on their finger, or better, wafting in the air mixed with sweat during a massive lovemaking feast.

Hell, my husband can barely change a diaper without puking. No matter how much he’s excited about taking his boat down the chocolate river, the smell of poop will most definitely change his mind.

And along with having to deal with the shit scent, there’s always the prospect of accidentally pooping, which if it elicits total mortification for laboring women, I’m pretty sure they’d feel the same way if it happened in the bedroom.

With all that said, if you’re ready to put the dirty back into your sex life, then there are a few things you should know -- first and foremost that the butt is not the cleanest spot on your body. So if you want someone to play with it, or you’re offering it up as a new tunnel of love, you might consider cleaning it. This can involve everything from just taking a shower to giving yourself an enema. This also eliminates (heh) the accidental pooping scenario as well.

Once you’ve cleaned, there are a few things you can enjoy that have absolutely nothing to do with a large penis or penis shaped apparatus being inserted in your butt (or hey, vice versa). You most certainly do not need to have full on anal sex to enjoy the pleasure the ass can offer you. Many people enjoy just a finger tip in their ass just prior to and during their orgasm. Others enjoy analingus, or other forms of tongue to butt pleasure. And some utilize sex toys like anal beads or butt plugs, either during sex or on their own time.

If you’re worried that you’re entering freakdom when it comes to your sexual appetite, these are all fairly typical aspects of healthy sexual lives. Discuss with your spouse, send him/her the message (clean ass in the air tends to get the point across), and shop around for toys that seem interesting and safe to both of you. Even the Grand Canyon would squeeze shut at the sight of some of those dildos.

Now if you’re going for the big guns, keep in mind that butts do not self lubricate, so you must be extra prepared. Regardless of whether you are using a condom or not (on your finger, over a sex toy, or a penis), you must use lube. Must. And while this might seem fairly obvious, you should never switch back and forth from vaginal to anal sex. That just has really bad things written all over it and you’ve got enough keeping you awake for way too many hours of the night. You don’t want to be nodding in agreement with the actors on those sexual disease commercials in your free time.

The most important point that should be clear to your partner is that it’s imperative that you are super turned on. Enjoy lots of foreplay and whatever you utilize to relax yourself, and take it slowly. Clearly it can’t be any worse than having a speculum inserted and 14 random people on the labor and delivery unit examine you. And perhaps you’ll find that out that not only is your spouse an ass man, but you’re an ass mama.

Read more: mominatrix, sex advice

You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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"We all suffer from the preoccupation that there exists... in the loved one, perfection." -- Sidney Poitier