Touch Me, Baby

Share your knowledge and make money doing it -- become an Imperfect Parent Tipster today! Apply here

Home -> Columnists -> Mominatrix

By Kristen Chase

Read more: marriage, sex advice, mominatrix

When you’ve been stuck for however many hours a day being bugged, badgered, and bothered by little hands grabbing at you from every direction, chances are the last thing that you want is to be groped by your well-meaning spouse. I’m not quite sure what possesses the dad-species to believe that any woman, particularly when she just spent a large part of the day staring at her own kid’s butt, would want to be grabbed upon hers. I mean, I’m the first to admit that my tired, cheerio-crumb covered ass, covered in pants that could grab back on their very own are hardly grope material. In fact, my own father-in-law gave me a smack-grope. It’s clear that I’m far from attracting the right sort of people. .

And yet, our spousal units insist on the ass smacks, the boob grabs, and every mom’s favorite, the crotch claw.

Now when I was a young singleton with a taut crotch and an ass that didn’t require regular maintenance, I loved the not-so-tender touches from my partner. Like a kid in a candy store, how could my partner walk by my tasty treats without reaching into the jar?

But I’m the first admit that since having two children, my treats are not always so tasty. In fact, on most nights, they require quite a bit of extra seasoning. It has less to do with my spouse being uninterested in my new post-motherhood body, and more to do with me accepting the change and realizing what it is that I need.

There’s part of me that wants to be treated like nothing ever changed -- like I’m still the young hot thing that could stand on my head during sex and give four-hour blow jobs. And maybe I still can do those things. Except now when I stand on my head I’m hit in the face with belly rolls before losing consciousness. And the blow jobs are interrupted by a screaming baby and power naps.

But then there’s this other part of me that knows things are most certainly not the same and quite frankly, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging it. Actually, many of us do; I tend to think it’s our spouses that are in denial.

Maybe they think we don’t want to be treated any differently, that we want to know that our stretch-marked covered bellies still give them the same erection that our mostly taut stomachs did just a few years back. No woman really wants to hear that her body just isn’t as attractive to her spouse any more. But I’m pretty sure we all know that the post-partum body isn’t going to have the same “wow” effect that our bodies might have had prior to having kids.

My boobs certainly scare the shit out of me every time I hop out of the shower and catch a peek.

The truth is, it’s not just our bodies that have changed. Our sexual needs have too. When our bodies are like a 24-hour diner and jungle gym for our children, we need the parts that have pretty much stayed the same to be acknowledged and touched. After a long day with the kids, I long for my spouse to cup my face in his hand, for him to stroke my somewhat greasy, but still pretty soft hair, or put his arm around my waist. I’d love for him to hold my hand while we’re sitting on the couch or just kiss me softly while we’re lying in bed.

And while that’s not to say I enjoy being treated as the sexual being that I am and always will be, sometimes a tender touch and a soft subtle stroke are exactly what will turn me on and make me believe, if only for a moment, that my flapping arms and saddle bags are just a figment of my imagination.

You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.

Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of three. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she maintains several weblogs, including Motherhood Uncensored, Cool Mom Picks, and Parent Bloggers Network.

3 Responses to "Touch Me, Baby"

1. KMama-o-2

Mar 19, 2008 17:24

Man! I hear this kinda' thing all the time and I have to tell you, it makes me sad. Not all women and not all men fall into the two sweeping generalizations presented in this article. Next time you turn down your husband, please remember that there are lots of us mommies out there who WISH our hubbies had some kind of decent sex drive. And it's not because I don't take care of myself. I'm a size 6. I have fewer stretch marks than my husband has. *SIGH*

2. metaphyzxx

May 14, 2008 16:43

Thanks for the advice. It's little things like this, that I'd DONE at one point and sorta slipped out of that I needed to be reminded of. On a side note, the Missus is a bit more... desirous lately. Any clue as to how that happened?

3. christy

Feb 16, 2010 04:51

I always tell my man that grabs and slaps to my boobs, butt and crotch equal random grabs to the scrotum and his gut! not so fun then. ha ha!!

Leave a comment:

More Columnists:

Not Your Average Fairy Tale
Beating My Head Against a Wall; Or, Whatever Happened to the Separation of Church and State?
By Melissa Doak

Growing Pains
Take a Parent, Add Politics and Mix
By Elizabeth Thompson

Growing Pains
Humanizing under the influence of children
By Elizabeth Thompson

Mominatrix
Kickin' It Old School.
By Kristen Chase

Home/Office
Work is a Four Letter Word. So is Jose.
By Dana Tuszke

Mominatrix
Those cheatin' hearts.
By Kristen Chase

Mominatrix
Blow Off Your Duty
By Kristen Chase

Mama and More Mama
The only thing that matters is love and respect.
By Gabriel Constans

Mominatrix
Talk dirty to me.
By Kristen Chase

The Imperfect Parent

Web

Home -> Columnists -> Mominatrix

Share your knowledge and make money doing it. Become an Imperfect Parent Tipster.

IMPERFECTION IN YOUR INBOX

Our supporters:

Julie Matlin
Working Parents Tipster

Homework tutors

POPULAR RIGHT NOW

Coffee or Tea, Which One is for Me? When I registered as an Independent, I did so because... read more »

The Ides and Crooked Teeth of March According to the old saying, the month of March usually... read more »

"Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault." -- Dr. David M. Burns

The views, opinions and information expressed in articles and blog posts published on imperfectparent.com and all subdomains are those of the authors alone. They do not represent the views or opinions of The Imperfect Parent or its staff, nor do they represent the views or opinions of any entity of, or affiliated with, The Imperfect Parent and Prudentia Communications Group. The Imperfect Parent is designed for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to be a substitute for medical, health, legal, or financial advice from a professional.

Reproduction of material from any of The Imperfect Parent's pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. The Imperfect Parent and Tiny Tantrums are trademarks of Prudentia Communications Group.

Tweet Blendergreat free widgetsWidgetboxMore info