It's the Final Countdown.

By Kristen Chase
I’m not sure I remember exactly when my husband and I had the dreaded sexual history conversation. It’s not like one of us kept count of our past conquests in some spiral bound Garfield notebook or anything.

Who does that?

And while I know we’re all virgins when it comes to sexual encounters with our new partners, there’s something slightly disconcerting when your spousal unit needs a few hours to go tally his conquests.

I suppose it could be worse; you could be counting them up so you can let your past partners know that they might have gotten some venereal disease from you.

Or you could be married to Gene Simmons.

But the “final countdown,” as I like to call it, is one of those awkward situations that cannot be made easier with large amounts of alcohol in many small glasses.

And that’s saying something.

When it comes to counting sexual partners, there are actually two numbers to consider. Of course, there’s the number of actual humans that they’ve had sexual relations with, and then there’s the number of actual times they’ve had sex.

I’ve never actually figured out which number is more difficult to pony up -- having a low number of partners that you had a lot of sex with, or having a high number of partners that is equal to the number of times you’ve had sex.

Basically, is it easier to imagine your spouse boning 100 people over the last 10 years, or do you prefer thinking about him or her having sex 300 times a year with 8 different people?

I suppose there are pros and cons in each situation.

With the lotsasexer, chances are you’re getting someone who is highly skilled in the art of sex. I mean, when you’re with someone for longer than a few months (or a few days, for some of you), the “I’m naked, hop on for a ride” line doesn’t really work anymore, and you might actually have to do something other than the three-minute-bang. So they’re able to keep you satiated even after the newness wears off.

But on the other hand, being with the lotsasexer means that they might have had a chance to do some pretty kinky stuff to keep the love alive and kicking after the three-month honeymoon period. The longer the time they were together with a person, particularly if they were not married, the higher the chance of threesomes, rubber body suits, and karma sutra love weekends.

So I’m sorry to say that your amazing talent of almost being able to suck your own nipple might only get you past the first round of “auditions.”

Now a one-hit wonder, regardless of how many one-hits he or she has had might initially cause a bit of discomfort, particularly when they are counting on their fingers, toes, and other appendages, and then grabbing yours in order to continue adding. Let’s just say if they ask for a calculator, it might be cause for concern.

But the one-hit wonders tend to be just that -- a whole heck of a lot of show up front, but not so much stamina and longevity in the sex department once the initial performance is over. Regardless of how many people they did the nasty with, it’s usually the same old thing over and over again, without ever having to develop their skills of foreplay and the art of seduction. Basically, they work with the “You’re hot, I’m drunk, let’s do it” mantra.

And we all know that it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to have hot drunk sex. It’s the totally sober, brightly lit, stinky breath sex that takes real prowess.

But regardless of whether you’re partnered with a lotsasexer or a one-hit-wonder (or are one yourself), it’s the sex that you create together that matters most. Because what worked for one person (or 1,000), doesn’t mean it’s going to work for your partner. And hopefully, you’ll get lots and lots of practice together to figure it out.

So, what’s your number?

Read more: sex, marriage, mominatrix

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Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.


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"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways." -- Samuel McChord Crothers