Mominatrix

Sex for One.

By Kristen Chase
As a person who’s been in and out of relationships like a revolving door, I admit to not being much of a masturbator. Call me lazy or just plain crazy, but I have to say that sometimes it’s way easier to just have someone else do it for you then try to do it yourself.

Keep in mind that I’m a mother. Finding time to shower alone and uninterrupted for longer than five minutes is a miracle -- let alone a good twenty for a little self-pleasure.

When it comes to masturbation, clearly men have the advantage. Granted most of us don’t have to deal with the disposing of large amounts of fluids into shower drains or socks, but for women, there’s just a bit more involved than a Big Jugs magazine, a bottle of lotion, and a commercial break.

Clearly, we require a bit of ambience. And I’m not talking about candlelight, a bottle of wine, and Johnny Depp. I’m talking about the pacifiers, diapers, and um, babies off on your bed. I can assure you that a screaming snot-nosed child has never entered one of my sexual fantasies, thus the presence of one, no matter how cute he might be, instantly kills any inkling of motivation to masturbate that might randomly strike me during the day.

While many women are quite dexterous, I require a bit of battery operated assistance – and, well, that requires some privacy. I imagine some of the sex toys I’ve acquired might serve to occupy my teething son but that’s just really hard to explain to child services. And while soothing sounds of the Cone might be just the way to lull him to sleep, it’s probably not the best parenting decision – mainly because with my luck, my kid will require seal-like grunts to fall asleep every night. I just don’t think they sell those on CD.

And, unless you’re a Level 4 High Wizard Black Belt Masturbator Champion, it take can take a little bit of time to lose the mommy persona, including those baby food stained pajama pants, and get down and dirty with Brad. And George. At the same time. I mean, they both will need to have their way with me. And that’s way longer than my son’s current non-nap.

So if you are able to find a bit of time to pleasure yourself, I bet you, like many women, decide to use the time for other more pressing issues, like laundry, dishes, or the always popular toilet scrubbing. Don’t roll your eyes. I’m almost certain that many of you would rather clean your floor than your clock if you had an extra few minutes during your day. And sadly, after having my way with the Method omop on our hardwood, I never underestimate the power of a sparkly clean floor.

But really, I’m betting that most moms would choose a big fat nap over a big fat orgasm any day. And it’s certainly not because we don’t want a mid-day mindblower or seven. But the chance to sleep a few extra hours is like good foreplay.

And a full night’s sleep might just be better than coming.

So until you’re able to make a lengthy stop at masturbation station, don’t let your prized sex toy waste away in your nightstand drawer. Instead, I suggest loading it up with fresh batteries and setting it up against your child’s crib. Look, if you can’t get off, the least you can do is get some fucking sleep.

Wow. I almost had an orgasm just thinking about it.


You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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