Aside from the recommended date nights that married parents are sick of hearing about, sex therapists seem to be jumping on the porn wagon.
When in doubt, go watch porn.
I don’t really have a problem with porn for the most part, and it can certainly be the key to turning on a switch that’s been off for a very long time.
But let’s face it. For the most part, dads aren’t the ones with the "headaches". And having your husband suggest watching some dude bone a hot, big-boobed, lipo-bellied woman -- or better, two lusciously gorgeous women who haven’t had anyone under the age of 22 suck on their boobs -- go at it doesn’t do much for the tired post partum mom except make her want to vomit.
Now I understand that believing porn is aimed solely at men is misguided. Then again, I’m fairly certain it’s not the bleary-eyed nursing mother racking up $200-per-night bills from live sex chat rooms at 2 a.m., although a few orgasms courtesy of “bigdick79” might make up for the early morning feedings.
But while there’s clearly no shortage of all-anal chat rooms, speculatively speaking of course, for the most part the female porn market is growing by leaps and bounds. Perhaps it’s because women figured out that the best way to guarantee foreplay was to watch it happen instead of rely on an actual human to provide it for them.
Even so, lady porn is still porn. And as parents, stopping over at your local adult bookstore on the way back from Target is probably not the best learning field trip. And while the internet has opened the proverbial porn floodgates, keeping your slew of DVDs and videos out of the grubby little hands of nosy little babies and toddlers can be quite the challenge. With my luck, I’d pop “Dora the Bi-curious Explorer” into the wrong case and child services would be knocking on my door before I could say, “Map.”
That’s not to say that watching two, three, or twenty-nine people go at it isn’t the quick fix that some couples need to get the love juices flowing again.
But as most women will probably tell you, it has little to do with lighting and breast size, and more with the story line and believability. I mean, chances are I’m not going to be part of a gang-bang anytime soon.
So instead of forking over way too much money on extremely predictable movies like “Forrest Hump” and trying to keep “Mommy and Daddy Shows” out of the hands of your children, I’ve found a few cable options that can put me in the mood almost instantly -- no brown paper wrapper required.
Sex and the City reruns
I realize you might have to pay your spouse in blow jobs to get him to watch it with you, but I have to say that specific episodes, like the “Carrie meets hot short-haired Aidan again at his bar opening” will have me putting out in no time.
Top Gun Sex Scene
Even though Tom Cruise is clearly a season pass holder on the crazy train, the five-minute scene where he seduces Kelly McGillis is hot. And you can’t beat a movie where 95% of the guys are in uniform.
HBO Real Sex & Pornucopia
While often times featuring the quirky and truly bizarre, these shows are parent porn in the guise of a “documentary.” The new season starts tomorrow and it’s definitely worth checking out.
Clearly parents are still people; if hard-pounding porn is what you need, then more power to you. But I say if you’re already paying out the nose for your cable bill, you might as well get as much bang for your buck.
Have your own "parent porn" option? Please share! Leave a comment below.
Speaking of "more bang for the buck", join the Mominatrix live tonight as she discusses the female orgasm and how to make the most out of yours with one of the premiere experts on the subject, Lou Paget.
What's the Matter With Mommy?
All original content © 2002 - 2015 Imperfect Parent®. Imperfect Parent and Mominatrix are registered trademarks.
The views, opinions and information expressed in articles and blog posts published on imperfectparent.com and all subdomains are those of the authors alone. They do not represent the views or opinions of The Imperfect Parent or its staff, nor do they represent the views or opinions of any entity of, or affiliated with, Imperfect Parent. The Imperfect Parent is designed for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to be a substitute for medical, health, legal, or financial advice from a professional.
Reproduction of material from any of Imperfect Parent's pages without written permission is strictly prohibited.