I’m all for equal rights, particularly when it comes to the bedroom, but I must say I’m perfectly fine with my fairly uneventful orgasm. And by uneventful I’m not referring to boring or even quiet. I’m talking about clean.
For the most part, I could have an orgasm anywhere I want without the assistance of some type of receptacle. I figure I have to endure a period every month, so the last thing I need is to have to deal with another bodily fluid leaking from me at a terribly inopportune time.
But apparently I was mistaken because I recently learned that men aren’t the only ones with bodily fluids shooting out of them during climax. Given the right situation, females can also ejaculate.
Now there’s a score of scientific explanations for exactly how and why a female can ejaculate. But in my humble opinion, I bet it was created by a female doctor who decided she needed a way to explain post-partum incontinence for scores of new moms everywhere.
You’re not peeing yourself, ladies. You’re coming.
Prior to female ejaculation being pinpointed as a true phenomenon, it was actually thought that women were just peeing themselves. It’s not so far fetched considering I’m pretty sure my urethra was just as much a casualty as my perineum thanks to my son’s large head. And because I can barely hold my pee in standing straight up, it’s more than likely that something is going to leak out with me bouncing up and down on top of my husband.
And let’s face it. Once you have a baby, “pee-your-pants” funny takes on a whole new, and sadly literal meaning.
But after a series of in-depth scientific tests that I hope included men having female ejaculate shot into their mouth with no choice but to swallow, it was determined that women can and do actually ejaculate.
Similar to male ejaculate, the woman’s version is high in sugar, protein, and urine; unfortunately not the greatest supplement for those of you on South Beach. But unlike the frequent presence of male ejaculate in the bedroom (at least with straight couples), the female alternative is a bit harder to come by, mainly because it involves some form of G-spot stimulation. And considering my husband can barely find his own underpants, I’m pretty sure trying to find my G-spot will be like searching for a Holy Grail.
When I first learned about female ejaculation, I felt a bit threatened. As a woman, I enjoy my mysterious orgasms. And while as a breastfeeding mother it can be hard to hide the shooting breast milk, for the most part, unless your partner is one with your vaginal spasms, the female orgasm can pass with only a moan or screech, depending on how intense your experience (or your acting performance).
But then I figured that I might be able to use this to my advantage. Considering female ejaculation can be achieved through clitoral stimulation as well, I’m thinking I may have cornered the market on guaranteed foreplay. And since my husband refuses to stop for directions but rather chooses to drive around in circles until he figures it out on his own, I could be in for long bouts of adventurous and determined female-oriented sex.
And if it never actually happens, you could always fake it. But then that could open up a whole other can of worms.
Golden showers, anyone?
Speaking of female orgasms, that's the subject of the next Mominatrix Radio show on Friday, September 28. We know you don't want to miss it so go here to subscribe and listen to past shows.
What's the Matter With Mommy?
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