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Love in an Elevator? Try Skipping the Bed for Once
By Kristen Chase |
August 17, 2007
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Read more: mominatrix, sex, marriage
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As a college student, the bed was the last place I thought about using for sexual purposes. It cradled my body after a few drunken escapades, but as far as the horizontal mambo, the bed equated old married people with kids. So I saw my fair share of interesting locales, including the library, the art gallery, and a music school practice room.
Perhaps it was a desire to avoid the dreaded roommate walk-in, even with the leopard print scrunchy placed strategically on the door knob, or that my boyfriend’s bed sheets could seriously have gotten up and opened the door for us. But either way, sex lying down on a bed was the death of any relationship.
So while every psychologist in the country is trying to figure out why marriages are collapsing at Mach speed, maybe we should just try having sex somewhere else other than in our beds.
Now I’m not so naïve to think that hopping over to the local JCPenney to find an abandoned menswear dressing room and fuck is going to save a marriage. But it can certainly bring back a level of attention and excitement that you (and JCPenney) probably haven’t seen in a really long time.
It’s no secret that bedtime in general causes anxiety in many parents, particularly if you’ve got a child that thinks sleep is not a requirement for survival. You can barely lay your head down to sleep let alone have any type of hot sex without jerking up at any small squawk or cry.
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And if you’ve got a child who sleeps with you, sex in your bed is nearly impossible. Nothing says instant turn off like looking over at your sweetly sleeping baby while your husband is fucking you with your legs high in your air. I think that might even dry Jenna Jameson right up.
To be clear, I’m not telling you to jump on the nearest park bench and scrump like monkeys in front of half the neighborhood. While you might be able to get a better night’s sleep in the slammer, I only know a few people who can sit comfortably on a park bench, let alone screw on one.
But what I am encouraging you to do is to take a look around your house and figure out what might be a titillating place to get it on. I use it as a way to make cleaning my house a little more enjoyable; I stake out the good spots and make certain that my husband won’t be eating goldfish crumbs out of my pubic hair later that evening.
In all practicality, having kids can kill any type of adventurous around the house sex. Unless you’re a design genius, toys are everywhere, and if you’re not careful, your daring romp could get you a Lego in the ass; clearly there are way better choices than a square building toy for that sort of thing.
The thought of screwing on the juice stained couch that your kids watch television on might also be a hard sell. While it might be a great cover for your grape flavored lubricant, the thought of your kid’s head lying on a spot where your naked butts were slapping together in the heat of passion is a sure fire erection killer.
But that doesn’t mean you have to give up and return to the dreaded silent bed sex. It might just mean you’ll have to get a bit more creative, not only with the locale but with your positions.
With that in mind, I offer you the Mominatrix’s Top 5 Everyday Home Sex Locations for Boring Parents:
5) The walk-in closet. (Dark enclosed small spaces can be very hot. Just make sure to move the shoes or better, wear them).
4) Over the bathroom sink. (The mirror can be your friend. If not, breathe hard.)
3) The shower. (Turn off the water after awhile. No need to get a cold or worse, a chafed vagina.)
2) The kitchen. (Receiving oral with your ass on the counter can be quite memorable. Just make sure the stove is off.)
1) The floor. (No weight or size restriction. And you’ve got lots of room to move around.)
And if change of venue doesn’t bring excitement back to your marriage, at least you can take back the bed for its original purpose.
Masturbation.
 The Mominatrix decided to sexify the new blog aggregate Alltop, and her super hot badge has made it to the finals. Go vote every day (look for "The only spot for me is Alltop") and help her win this damn thing.
You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.
Mominatrix logo by Karen Rani
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