Mominatrix

Mominatrix comes in a plain brown wrapper.

By Kristen Chase
I've read the complaints about the internet when it comes to opening up the sex world like a Pandora's box and truly, there's something to be said about the local porn addict having 24-hour access to way more than your typical old hard core group band DVD collection. Certainly the internet does not help curb the obsessions of the over sexualized nut balls. It does, however, make life as a sexually active parent interested in watching something more than the Top Gun sex scene on a Saturday night much easier and clearly less embarrassing.

I'm a bit timid in public and have a hard time buying birth control, for some reason especially when I have my 4 year old daughter with me. Where do I go to buy condoms online, and not get spammed ten times worse than I already do?

I’ve never quite understood the difficulty folks have with buying condoms. I imagine it’s hard to peruse the offerings behind the glass case with your preschooler picking up the douches and lubes, and no one really loves to hand over a box of rubbers to some 16-year-old kid with a Mohawk and lip ring.

But let’s face it. If you have a child, chances are your secret is out – offspring is a clear indication that you are having sex, or at least, I hope you are. And frankly, I’d much rather purchase a box of condoms than a tube of Preparation H any day; at least with condoms people know you are going to go have fun. Butt soothing cream is a clear indication that you have a growth the size of small woodland animal hanging off your asshole.

So, if you’re not willing endure the wrath of your own embarrassment, then do what most people are doing these days and continue to carelessly populate the Earth, or just go to Drugstore.com and buy in bulk. Of course, then instead of some kid snickering you could be dealing with some weirdo who has your name, address, and credit card number.

If you’re in the market for more than just condoms, then I suggest perusing a couple of my favorite online sex toy purveyors. If you think shopping for condoms at the local drugstore is bad, try taking a toddler and a baby into a no -window white-washed cement building with a flashing “ADULTS ONLY” light to find a few fun side dishes to your main course.

Online sex shops, particularly those aimed at women, are a far cry from the dirty hole-in-the-walls we all drive by with a mix of curiosity and disgust. On the contrary, they’re well organized and chock full of everything you’d find in the shop – just without the skeeviness attached to it. You’ll find thorough descriptions, personal recommendations, and helpful instructions – all of which you can explore in the privacy of your own home without having to worry about your child asking you what the pretty beads are for.

Toys in Babeland is clearly the one stop shop for anything sex related – except for actual partners. Started by two women in Seattle, they’ve got the best selection of dildos and vibrators (yes, there is a difference) I’ve seen, and their “sex-savvy staff” offers advice in case you have absolutely no idea where to start.

My other favorite shop, The Naughty Bag, has the best selection of pasties around. And while you may need a bit more than pasties to dress up those post-breastfeeding boobs, it’s not a bad start and it’s a creative and fairly effective way to prevent the milk shooting. They also offer an awesome selection of toys and accessories, all of which you can put together into a fun gift bag for yourself or a friend.

So don’t let the kids prevent you from enjoying safe, exciting sex. And when all else fails, I suggest leveraging sex with condom buying. Just don’t be surprised if your spouse comes home with a ten-pack of extra large Magnums.


You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways." -- Samuel McChord Crothers