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Sex and the single mom.
By Kristen Chase |
May 4, 2007
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Read more: mominatrix, online dating, single moms, sex advice, relationships
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Even though we’ve got at least one person (baby, teenager, hell, even our husbands) attached to our hip, most moms would say that motherhood can be a very lonely existence. But when it comes down to it, most of us have a shoulder to cry on and someone that won’t decide to break up with us because we have kids.
Ok, here's a toughie... How's a single mom, with tons of married friends who only seem to know other married people, supposed to meet a nice single guy? Or really at this point, any single guy? Hit the bars by myself? Hit myself with a bar, in the hopes the ER doctor will be cute and single?
Ah. Where to find a man? This is the plight of many single moms everywhere, or least with the few I have spoken with at length about this topic. It’s one thing to be dating post-college with hordes of boys doing keg dives at your fingertips, but it’s a whole other ball game when the only boys at your fingertips are your own sons. No matter how you came to being single, there’s one thing that rings true when it comes to be being a single mom.
It’s hard.
I will say that at times I’m somewhat envious of your situation. Sure, I’ve got a husband whose full-time work week allows me to eat bon-bons and watch “$100,000 Pyramid” reruns while the kids entertain themselves with electrical wires. But, I wonder if the bickering about diaper changes, the bartering for time away from the kids, and the bitching about my plethora of shoes not being put away in alphabetical order by designer really worth it?
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I imagine even folks with the most pristine of marriages have considered taking up the single life just as a means to be able to do things their own way. Being married or what I now call “until you piss me off one last time”(legally or otherwise) is difficult, especially when parenting is involved. And sometimes a few of us might love to trade in the shoulder to cry on and warm body in our bed just to be able to do things on our own, the way we want to do them, without having to ask, check, or double check with someone else.
And if that’s not the case, chances are you’re having way more sex than I am, and you don’t have to worry about feeding him breakfast in the morning or listen to him fart.
In all seriousness, your desire to meet men and enjoy a social life of your own is warranted. But from what I’ve come to understand, finding the time as well as the venue to meet men that are not single due to imprisonment is extremely difficult, not to mention the constant “It’ll happen when you least expect it” bullshit that every single person in the world wants to shove back into the mouth of every married person who says it.
Point blank, finding men as grown single women, let alone mothers, is a tough task. You’re spending countless hours at work where you probably don’t want to date anyone, and then the extra time you do have left over, you’d like to be able to be with your kids. So really, that leaves you just enough time to hire an escort for a quickie in the backseat of your car while it’s parked in your garage. And really, who has the money for escorts these days?
I suggest some serious brainstorming about what kind of men you are looking for and where you might find them. Think of it like shoe shopping – if you’re looking for a great pair of shoes, you could go to one of those gigantic warehouses where you might get lucky on a very good day but you’re probably better off hitting Bloomies so you can score fairly easily without having to try on all the crap.
So, where would the Bloomies of single men interested in single mothers be (and I don’t suggest actually looking in the Bloomies shoe section because I’m thinking those dudes are on the prowl someone more like, um, your ex)? Church? Synagogue? Sporting Events? Upscale bars? I say grab a single female friend, or get a cool married girlfriend to go out with you and explore different male venues. They’ll enjoy playing single for the evening. Trust me.
The “set-up” is always a great option, and while many folks might have to dig deep to find a single guy friend for you, it’s worth a try. Sometimes just letting people know that you’re interested in dating is the first step. While it might seem obvious that you’d prefer not to sit alone folding socks and watching infomercials alone on a Saturday night, you’d be surprised at how clueless some people can be. Put the word out on the street that you’re on the prowl.
And while it might seem odd to pay for a dating service, I’ve talked to countless single moms who have found amazing men via online dating. Yahoo, Match, and e-Harmony are a few services that people either love or hate. The prices vary as do the reviews, but I encourage you to check them out. You can definitely limit the searches by age, appearance, height, location, job, and maybe even personality. And quite frankly, some of us could have done well by searching with some of those limits (can you eliminate “jerks” and “small penis”?).
And while I suggest keeping an optimistic attitude when it comes to dating, I would never settle. If you are able to manage your life in its current situation, then you want someone who’s coming to complement that and make your life even better. Plus with the scores of fantastic almost lifelike dildos they’re making now, you might just be better off buying a few batteries and enjoying a quiet evening all by yourself.
You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.
Mominatrix logo by Karen Rani
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