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Sex and the single mom. |
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Ok, here's a toughie... How's a single mom, with tons of married friends who only seem to know other married people, supposed to meet a nice single guy? Or really at this point, any single guy? Hit the bars by myself? Hit myself with a bar, in the hopes the ER doctor will be cute and single? Ah. Where to find a man? This is the plight of many single moms everywhere, or least with the few I have spoken with at length about this topic. It’s one thing to be dating post-college with hordes of boys doing keg dives at your fingertips, but it’s a whole other ball game when the only boys at your fingertips are your own sons. No matter how you came to being single, there’s one thing that rings true when it comes to be being a single mom. It’s hard. I will say that at times I’m somewhat envious of your situation. Sure, I’ve got a husband whose full-time work week allows me to eat bon-bons and watch “$100,000 Pyramid” reruns while the kids entertain themselves with electrical wires. But, I wonder if the bickering about diaper changes, the bartering for time away from the kids, and the bitching about my plethora of shoes not being put away in alphabetical order by designer really worth it? And if that’s not the case, chances are you’re having way more sex than I am, and you don’t have to worry about feeding him breakfast in the morning or listen to him fart. In all seriousness, your desire to meet men and enjoy a social life of your own is warranted. But from what I’ve come to understand, finding the time as well as the venue to meet men that are not single due to imprisonment is extremely difficult, not to mention the constant “It’ll happen when you least expect it” bullshit that every single person in the world wants to shove back into the mouth of every married person who says it. Point blank, finding men as grown single women, let alone mothers, is a tough task. You’re spending countless hours at work where you probably don’t want to date anyone, and then the extra time you do have left over, you’d like to be able to be with your kids. So really, that leaves you just enough time to hire an escort for a quickie in the backseat of your car while it’s parked in your garage. And really, who has the money for escorts these days? I suggest some serious brainstorming about what kind of men you are looking for and where you might find them. Think of it like shoe shopping – if you’re looking for a great pair of shoes, you could go to one of those gigantic warehouses where you might get lucky on a very good day but you’re probably better off hitting Bloomies so you can score fairly easily without having to try on all the crap. So, where would the Bloomies of single men interested in single mothers be (and I don’t suggest actually looking in the Bloomies shoe section because I’m thinking those dudes are on the prowl someone more like, um, your ex)? Church? Synagogue? Sporting Events? Upscale bars? I say grab a single female friend, or get a cool married girlfriend to go out with you and explore different male venues. They’ll enjoy playing single for the evening. Trust me. The “set-up” is always a great option, and while many folks might have to dig deep to find a single guy friend for you, it’s worth a try. Sometimes just letting people know that you’re interested in dating is the first step. While it might seem obvious that you’d prefer not to sit alone folding socks and watching infomercials alone on a Saturday night, you’d be surprised at how clueless some people can be. Put the word out on the street that you’re on the prowl. And while it might seem odd to pay for a dating service, I’ve talked to countless single moms who have found amazing men via online dating. Yahoo, Match, and e-Harmony are a few services that people either love or hate. The prices vary as do the reviews, but I encourage you to check them out. You can definitely limit the searches by age, appearance, height, location, job, and maybe even personality. And quite frankly, some of us could have done well by searching with some of those limits (can you eliminate “jerks” and “small penis”?). And while I suggest keeping an optimistic attitude when it comes to dating, I would never settle. If you are able to manage your life in its current situation, then you want someone who’s coming to complement that and make your life even better. Plus with the scores of fantastic almost lifelike dildos they’re making now, you might just be better off buying a few batteries and enjoying a quiet evening all by yourself. You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential. |
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1. Amy
May 04, 2007 06:42
I met a lot of great guys, and am now in a wonderful relationship with a guy I met through an online dating service. Honestly, here in NYC, it's pretty impossible otherwise.The thing with being divorced, is you *do* have time to date - as the X has the kids every other weekend. Free time that I NEVER had when I was married! (It's really one of those unspoken perks!)
The only real downside I found with online dating, though, is that it drills you down to your most basic parts. While I look young, am still (kinda) hip, and have the kids at my X's every other weekend... on an online dating site I all of a sudden became this FORTY YEAR OLD MOM OF TWO KIDS WHO LIVES IN THE OUTER BOROUGHS.
Now that I'm in a great relationship, with a "normal" guy I realize everything that I was missing being single and being in such a dysfunctional marriage... For me, no matter how I slice it - it's better now. Beyond the sex, there is the support, the extra pair of hands, sombody to bounce things off of, and yesterday - when I had to go to a scary Dr's appointment - he offered to take off work and go with me. So cool.
2. d-
May 04, 2007 14:08
i second online dating - i yell it loud and proud - i am a single mother. i think it weeds out *some* of the losers. i've had some great conversations, first dates, and now am in a great relationship with someone that i do have a lot in common with.maybe online dating narrows you down to a few characteristics, but at least you have the opportunity to define those.
i will add though, that as a mom who doesn't have a dad in the picture to take kidlet for a night, the sex issue is fairly tricky.
3. K
May 04, 2007 19:05
I'm also a single mom with 2 kids and no dad in the picture, meaning absolutely zero free time without kids. While the "idea" of a guy in my life sounds um, nice, I can't imagine how this would work, logistically. Online dating might take care of the "meeting", but where do I find the time and ENERGY to actually get to know them and build a relationship? C'mon, I have a full time job that pays the bills and then a full time job parenting. Call me exhausted. I dare say, it would take one hell of a special guy to capture much more than a fantasy from me. But keep the fantasies coming - it's somewhat sustaining!4. Susan
May 20, 2007 00:13
I can certainly relate to the wanting to shove the "it's just not your time / when you least expect it" bits back into well-meaning friends' mouths. I agree with my fellow single moms here that online dating is a great way to meet people, although it takes a lot of time and energy, even for someone who does have the benefit of an involved father. I also think some online dating sites selection processes are overhyped; no one can truly assess compatibility except for you. Speed dating and doing activities you like also open up doors...at least I hope so for my own sake! To D and K, don't give up. Finding a good babysitter or swapping sitting duties with a fellow parent may help, but I agree...things don't ever seem to be easy as a single mom.Mominatrix, good article and enjoying your column.
5. WOMEN TOYS
Feb 24, 2010 12:19
everything always is possible!!6. DIGITAL DRUGS
Feb 24, 2010 12:20
I had the same situation....