Mominatrix

Good girls have pubes.

By Kristen Chase
I remember the days when I could spend as long as I needed to create the perfect pubic coif. Nothing fancy, mind you, just fairly tamed and perfectly contained within the confines of the underpants.

But now I have kids and I barely have time to wash my crotch let alone trim the trimmings. And while I’m all for au natural, I’m just not up for having to go up an underwear size because my pubic hair makes it look like I have more than a vagina in my pants. Plus, the ability to corn row anything other than the hair on my head is a clear sign that there’s a pubes emergency.

And so I decided that my Phil Spector needed to do a Britney Spears.

The notion of the bald pussy lends itself to various negative connotations. For some reason, lack of pubic hair means you have porn star -- or worse, pre-pubescent girl -- envy. This is closely followed by the insinuation that a woman with a hairless beaver does it because her husband likes it.

C’mon. Isn’t that a wee bit sexist? I mean, unless your husband asks you to do it so he can give you nightly unbridled oral sex and mind blowing multiple orgasms.

Maybe your husband loves your big hairy bush, and doesn’t mind ingesting a mouthful of hair during cunnilingus. And I imagine you’re stopping the hordes of germs (and small woodland animals) that might be trying to make their way into your vagina. But let’s be frank. Do you really feel sexy knowing that your pubic hair could be donated to Locks for Love? I mean nothing says “sexy” like stray pubic hairs creeping down your thighs and poking through your panties.

And so, could it be that moms just do it because it makes them feel hot and sexy?

Now I understand the methods of hair removal may seem more complicated and time consuming than actually leaving it there. But I assure you that there are several options that might just be the ticket to your sexual awakening.

Shaving: While an ominous task at first, shaving is a viable option for moms who are afraid of the scary Russian woman and her big pot of wax. The initial shave could take longer than the labor of your first child, so be prepared. Get a babysitter, rent a shop vac, and take your time. Most moms just shave every single time they’re in the shower; do your legs and just keep going up – with the grain of the hair, of course. And make sure you’ve got a good shaving gel, a handy mirror, a set of scissors, and some clippers around. Depending on your skill level, you might want to enlist the help of your spouse (who might find this incredibly titillating).

I have to say I was instantly turned on during the initial shave, but considering the smoothness only lasted for a good 6 hours, it was pretty short lived. I’m all for a 5 o’clock shadow – on Brad Pitt, that is. And tired mommy with sharp razor and sensitive labial folds in a dark bathroom with a screaming baby in his crib might not be the best equation.  So, if you’re not a frequent shower taker or shaver, this might not be the right method for you. 

Hair Removal Lotions: I must admit that any stinky chemical that melts away hair and includes a shopping list long warning label and time limit before “skin will become red and raw” is enough to make me grab a razor. Add my crotch into the mix and I’d rather pull out my hair with tweezers. My opinion: Just say no.

Waxing:
If you have had a kid, epidural or not, then you can endure a wax. Now I know the thought of some woman in white ripping your very precious pubic hairs out with large gobs of wax seems a bit disconcerting, just keep in mind that you let some doctor and about 14 nurses feel around in there. And sure, you got a kid out of the mix, but think about how pretty and smooth your peach will be. It’s almost just as good.

Find a legitimate establishment -- or better, a personal recommendation -- and make sure you’ve got at least a quarter-inch of hair, but not too long; if you can braid your bush, you should trim before you go. Rumor has it a mild pain reliever prior to the visit will help. If you’re not comfy getting everything ripped out (or too afraid), just go for the outer lips and have her leave a little landing strip. If you’re feeling brave, or you’re engrossed in a conversation about your cute waxer’s two bull dogs like me, then try the inner lips. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was not nearly as bad as I thought. You know, for all your crotch hair getting ripped out and all. And it was almost worth it just to be sans kids and totally focused on me for a full 45 minutes.

If you’re still completely unconvinced, I challenge you to a Mominatrix crotch makeover. Try it for a few weeks and tell me what you think. Sure your crotch might get a little cold at night and those pubic gnomes might need to find a new home. But it could be the difference between sex and crazy passionate love making.

And these days, I’d be willing to lose more than my pubic hair for some of that.


You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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"Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways." -- Samuel McChord Crothers