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Sex after childbirth. |
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Q. I like sex, or I used to like sex with my husband. Then I got pregnant and the oral stopped. Then I started nursing and found the meaning of painful and dry. Lube hasn't helped and quite frankly neither has the pause for non-hormonal birth control. I'm uncertain of how I'm going to react given the less than wonderful experiences in the past. Ideas? Q. I have had almost zero sex drive since my 7 month old DD was born. I am EPing (exclusively pumping) so I am wondering if maybe my sex drive will come back after I stop lactating. Is it normal to have no sex drive while lactating -- will my drive come back after I wean from the pump? I understand that no matter how many times people tell you it never seems to set in but you need to realize that biology is clearly working against you right now. Of course, considering we are the ones that must lug around a child in our uterus and shoot it out our whoo-ha, I guess you could say biology was never really on our side. But basically, your hormones are on crack right now and in order for you to feed your child, your body is suppressing your progesterone levels; any and all fluids you might have had are either being sucked out of you by your tiny baby or leaking into your terribly sexy nursing bra and the only wetness you are feeling is when you accidentally piss yourself because you never did those kegels. So, you’re dry. Those lips are chapped. But that’s not the only problem. No matter how much sleep you think you’re getting, chances are you are not getting enough. You can gauge the level of your sleep by the number of dreams. If you’re not having any dreams or you’re being awoken in the middle of hot steamy sex with Johnny Depp, then you’re probably not getting REM at all. And that’s the sleep that actually gives your brain a break. And top that off with a screaming baby that doesn’t seem to understand that the vibrating bouncy seat is the best seat in the house, your waistline that doesn’t seem to want to accommodate anything but a large potato sack, and your vacillating feelings of love, confusion, and total bitterness for what the new moniker of “mom” brings, it’s no wonder that your vagina feels like a bad case of cotton mouth. And to add insult to injury, your spousal unit is one horny bastard and doesn’t get why you don’t want to seduce him with your big old leaky boobies and bloody underpants. So quite simply, there’s little you can do to combat biology except buy stock in Astroglide and hand towels. So make a trip to the lube section of your local drugstore and be done with it. Then focus on letting go of any guilt you might have about preferring sleep over anything having to do with sex. You’ll have enough chances to experience mind crippling guilt over the next 75 years, so give yourself a break. Buy your husband a playboy and some Vaseline, paste your picture over all the faces, and go to sleep. If he wants to have sex that involves your vagina as opposed to his hand, he’ll let you sleep, and he’ll do whatever it takes to get you in the mood. And I’m not just talking about the 3-hour hand job. I’m talking about giving you support, encouragement, and help. I get wet just thinking about my husband playing with the kids and folding laundry while I get to put my feet up and relax. If you’ve gotten some rest and feel a tinge of sexual desire, take it slow and make sure your spousal unit gets that. Be resigned to the fact that you will need lube and your boobs will leak, so living room couch sex is probably not in the cards. Try to set the mood – Lord knows seeing your floppy post-partum belly while trying to keep your nursing bra from opening up in the bright day light only adds insult to injury; pitch black darkness combined with a few glasses of Merlot makes anyone look hot. And nothing says “instant turn off” like a screaming baby, so don’t feel bad or disappointed if your lovemaking is interrupted by your new bundle of joy. Just keep trying – at some point you’ll just get over the crying, your baby will fall asleep, or you will learn to love the quickies. Once the breastfeeding is over, chances are pretty good that your sex drive and self-lubrication will return. That is until you realize how much of a mood killer having a toddler can be. It’ll take much more than lube and sleep to cure that. You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential. |
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1. Nicki
Apr 10, 2007 16:03
Finally, someone who is willing to talk about the sticky problems after having kids. We are all so clueless about what comes after we birth those 8lbs. I love this blog.2. Iseth Rae
May 26, 2007 15:06
Thank you so much for this article. I have been researching the topic all morning and although many of the other articles were informative, none made me laugh so hard (which is hard to do when faced with this depressing topic). Your sense of humor is deeply appreciated.3. Amanda
Apr 30, 2008 22:44
Oh how I wish someone would give me hope! I understand that its not going to be all strawberries and whipped cream but I find myself astounded by the fact that any couple has more than one child when reading about sex after childbirth...or sex when you have an infant...or a toddler...or a teenager. What do the women that like to have sex do? I have no desire to join a convent for the next fifteen years of my life!4. Mary
Aug 12, 2008 12:16
Interestingly, breastfeeding never really changed my "moisture level." It didn't take away my libido either. (Lack of sleep, OTOH, certainly did!) It's different for everyone. I'm still nursing, and we have a great sex life, now that I caught up on sleep!5. misty
Nov 03, 2008 11:04
this was very helpful to read this morning having had an emotional discussion with my husband last night. our baby boy turned 3 months today and our sex life has been virtually non-existent when before baby i wanted it 3-5 times a week. my husband was really down in the dumps, saying "i knew this would happen, just like everyone told me it would"--referring to after you get married and have kids the sex stops. i told him it will get better and i really don't have an answer to why i don't ever even think about sex anymore! my mind is all about what the baby needs or trying to get some sleep. so thanks for the article, i feel better now!6. Seth
Jan 17, 2009 23:47
Sounds simple to me. Why doesn't the wife introduce the husband to a girl...that way she doesnt have to worry about a sore butthole, leaky boobs or dry cooter.7. Jaiya
May 27, 2009 20:44
I just had my first baby and came across this article. Thank you for being a sexy mom and for the work that you are doing. I am a sex educator and am learning from my own experience postpartum that sex is so different now. Not only is my pelvic floor different, but how do you find the time? I am lucky that I have no issues with Libido or dryness even though I am breast feeding. I feel the opposite I want more touch and more sex for sure!8. Kate
Jan 22, 2010 11:27
Thanks for this! Makes me feel like less of a freak, for sure.Also, thank you for not giving the advice, "Sure, you may not be in the mood for sex, but you can give lots and lots of head until you feel better." I seem to get this a lot. Oh yeah, nothing puts me in the mood for sucking penis like cracked nipples on engorged, leaky breasts, exhaustion, and a sore vagina.
Thanks for the laughs and the advice!