Home -> Columnists -> Mominatrix | ||
 |
||
What happened to my husband's sex drive? |
||
| |
||
|
Dear Mominatrix, I would LOVE to see a column devoted to women who have higher sex drives than their husbands. The fact that such a dynamic is rarely (ever?) addressed in the articles I read makes me feel like a complete freak of nature. In all the books and advice websites, it's always the woman who isn't in the mood, who has the headache, who'd rather cuddle. Before I offer my thoughts on your libido-less husband, let’s just establish that you’ve exhausted all your options – you know, done your fair share of lingerie wearing, ball grabbing, and crotch straddling all of which are met with the standard, “Not tonight honey, maybe later, and could you please get your hand off my penis.” With that out of the way, chances are you’ve asked yourself, “Is it me?” It’s a logical reaction – to look inward in times of stress and sexlessness, but let’s be frank. You are clearly not a freak. Look at the true freaks who do get laid in this world. Roseanne Barr has biological children and my own mother-in-law probably still gets it every now and then. Put plainly, men are not known for being picky. A mouth is a mouth, and when jailed for longer than a four year sentence, an asshole is even apparently a decent substitute for a vagina. Keeping that in mind, I have to believe that unless you answer “yes” to any of the below criteria, you are not the problem, and honestly, even then, I’d have to say that you still would have a chance to get some from someone, albeit yourself (which isn’t such a bad deciding factor or option in your current situation): Do you require large farm equipment to remove you from a bed? Do you have a disfiguring and rancid case of genital herpes? Have you threatened your spouse with dangerous kitchen utensils so that he should fear for his life? No's across the board, right? Good. So, I’m going to take a wild guess and say it’s not you, so it has got to be your husband. Statistics show that most men who are cheating show hypersexual behavior, so you can probably rule that one out. And while stress and sleep deprivation can certainly affect sexual desire and performance, I’ve got to think that if you’re up for it after your long days as a mother (working out of home or not), then long days at the job that do not involve chasing around little brats and putting them in time out are no excuse. So, let’s look at a few other possibilities: He’s all used up from all those dirty whores in college. Not so far off considering men hit their sexual prime at around 17. He’s old and crusty, although so is Hugh Hefner and he doesn’t seem to have a problem (if you take the three hot blondes and the Viagra into consideration). He’s gay. Quick quiz will answer that – does he religiously watch The Real World, does he know that Jimmy Choo is a shoe designer and not a Chinese chef, and, the kicker, does he perk up when you offer to wear a beard and let him stick you in the ass? But really, chances are he’s been sucked in by the sexed-out housewife club and thinks he’s doing you a favor by letting you sleep, when really he might just need to know it’s a priority for you. I’ve never quite figured out how a spouse can miss the message his naked wife trying to grab his dick is sending, but perhaps you need to take a different approach – a conversation? A lengthy discussion? An email? Also, there’s definitely a bit of weight to the notion that he might be having trouble seeing you as a sexual being since becoming a mother. I’d blame society over you for that, but apparently mothers are highly undesirable unless they’re sporting no visible evidence that they ever had children. Perhaps finding time together that doesn’t involve the kids will help balance that out for him. And if that doesn’t make things clear to him, I suggest the following highly effective techniques (with consideration to your husband’s personality, of course): Be playful. If you don’t go bare down there, shave or wax and give him a little preview. Flash a boob – just make sure to take out the nursing pads first. Be proactive. Masturbate while he’s sleeping next to you and don’t be afraid to wake him up with the buzzing of your dildo. Grab some porn (preferably one without gay men) and enjoy it. A lot. Be desired. Tell him about the hot young guy at the grocery store who gave you a double take. Sure, maybe it was the creepy old dude behind the deli counter, but he doesn’t need to know that. Be anal… I mean, organized. You might have to schedule sex, which sounds incredibly boring and lame, however, if you’re not getting any at all, beggars can’t be choosers. I highly recommend doing it somewhere other than your bedroom – even consider getting a babysitter and a hotel room. This way, you’ll both be able to gear up and get some sleep before the big night, and eliminate a few definite mood killers. Nothing can zap an erection like a screaming snotty-nosed toddler. And when all else fails, there’s never a better time to either declare your bi-sexuality, knock monogamy off its pedestal, or update your “freebie” list. Let's just hope that you didn’t have it laminated. You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential. |
||
| ||
14 Responses to "What happened to my husband's sex drive?"Leave a comment: | ||
| ||
Home -> Columnists -> Mominatrix |
| ||
IMPERFECTION IN YOUR INBOX
 | ||
  | ||
| ||
POPULAR RIGHT NOW
A Supposedly Slim Person I'll Never Be Again It's not as though one day I put away the high heels,... read more » The Mominatrix reviews the OhMiBod Freestyle Sex and music are intimately bound so it's no surprise... read more » |
About The Imperfect Parent | Submission Guidelines | Press | Contact Us | Advertise on The Imperfect Parent | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use
All original content © 2002 - 2010 The Imperfect Parent™ and Tiny Tantrums Media. The Imperfect Parent and Mominatrix are trademarks of Prudentia Communications Group.
The views, opinions and information expressed in articles and blog posts published on imperfectparent.com and all subdomains are those of the authors alone. They do not represent the views or opinions of The Imperfect Parent or its staff, nor do they represent the views or opinions of any entity of, or affiliated with, The Imperfect Parent and Prudentia Communications Group. The Imperfect Parent is designed for entertainment purposes only and is not meant to be a substitute for medical, health, legal, or financial advice from a professional.
Reproduction of material from any of The Imperfect Parent's pages without written permission is strictly prohibited. The Imperfect Parent and Tiny Tantrums are trademarks of Prudentia Communications Group.
1. Dana
Mar 02, 2007 10:01
Awesome article! It was humorous and to the point. Granted my husband isn't libido-less, there are times he acts like he doesn't wish to have sex. I think you're right, these men freak out when their wives become mothers. That's so ridiculous!2. Amanda
Mar 02, 2007 13:45
I adore you for this. I'm not married or a mom, but I do have the higher sex drive in our relationship. I've found that masturbating next to him works. Also, doing to him what you would like him to do to you - shoulder massage, pushing your naked body against his back and gently squeezing his hips at bedtime.A "don't" I have is don't constantly complain to him about it. "Why don't you ever want to have sex? Am I ugly? Do you hate me??" It makes you less attractive. If you want to talk about it, then talk about it, but don't "hint" at it by complaining. He's not going to bring it up. I've found that when I go the happy/playful route, it is MUCH more effective than the whiny route. Whiny is NOT sexy.
And, remember it's not your fault. You can compound the problem (whininess, for example), but the root lies with him. Know what he likes - let him know what you like. Novelty seems to be required for men a lot more than for women - give it to him, try something new. You might find it's fun, too. :) (And, if he doesn't like it sexually, it'll probably at least be good for a laugh, together.)
Kristen - you ROCK my SOCKS. *swoon*
3. abc
Mar 02, 2007 22:10
Serious answer here from a guy:He is probably addicted to internet porn and is pleasuring himself all the time.
I believe this is a common problem and not one that is talked about or admitted to but I'll bet it is the main reason.
4. ravenous
Mar 03, 2007 10:58
I did all the things you suggested. And now I am divorced. Not because of the suggestions, but because of his lack of interest and other issues.No, he wasn't addicted to internet porn. He's not gay. He finally told me that he did not find me attractive anymore. But to be honest, he just flat not interested in sex.
5. Amanda
Mar 03, 2007 16:08
abc - are you serious? Internet porn? Hell, *I'm* addicted to porn and I still want sex. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. If a person who is not interested in sex is also watching a great deal of porn, the porn is probably a symptom and not the problem. For instance, it could be a rare and unfortunate case of loss of attraction... or maybe he's craving novelty (and, rather than go have sex with some 18 year old hottie, he'll just masturbate to one on the computer...) Masturbation also requires less effort (for most people), and so it's a great way to get release when you're just too exhausted to have sex (there are few things worse than finally getting to have sex only to be so tired halfway through that you have to stop).There are lots of reasons why a man could lose interest - but I think it's more likely exhaustion/stress/boredom/trying to be nice/etc than a porn addiction or homosexuality. I'm pretty sure those are extremes.
6. nightstic
Mar 04, 2007 12:07
Very well put Amanda, here i go sticking my foot in my mouth,sometimes men just cant keep there sex swith on 24/7its not you,if he is watching porn and not responding to you try something eles like giving him a nice massage see where it goes from there.7. nightstic
Mar 04, 2007 12:07
Very well put Amanda, here i go sticking my foot in my mouth,sometimes men just cant keep there sex swith on 24/7its not you,if he is watching porn and not responding to you try something eles like giving him a nice massage see where it goes from there.8. Binky
Mar 07, 2007 15:19
ABC--I'm pretty sure that I look a hell of a lot more internet porn than my husband and it hasn't dried me up yet.As for the article and the other comments, it was great to read them. I do admit to becoming pretty embittered by my husband's lack of a sex drive, which doesn't help things at all. Amanda's suggestion to keep that in check is a good one. I wish there was one surefire tactic that could resolve the situation to the liking of both my husband and me, but I guess life doesn't operate that way. Great article!
9. Joel
Jul 24, 2007 10:45
One statistic that I heard several years ago that I thought was very telling was this, most men who use escort services do not use them for sex. They simply want to talk. That goes against the stereotypical view of male sexuality but men need conversation as much as women. If there is a chronic problem with a couple's sex life, there is usually a problem with the relationship as a whole. To supercharge your sex life, you need to devote 15 hours a week to giving your spouse your undivided attention. No, I'm not talking about 15 hours of sex. Just 15 hours of time to do what ever it is that you both enjoy doing.If you invest the time in the relationship, the sex will follow.10. Cinderella
Jan 15, 2010 14:43
My husband and I have been married for nearly 20 years and our sex life has remained strong until recently. Over the last few months it seems like he has no sex drive. That being said, if I instigate sex, wear sexy nighties etc, he seems to \"rise\" to the occasion. Here\'s the problem. I don\'t want to instigate anymore. I shouldn\'t have to. I want him to be a man and take me. I want him to want me. I\'m probably going to regret being childish, but I\'ve decided to see just how long we will go without sex if I don\'t instigate...we\'re on two weeks and counting. Every night he rolls over and starts snoring, and I lay there silently crying...feeling ugly and unwanted.11. Hard times
Jan 18, 2010 15:00
I am almost 32 and I have been married for 11 years, i love my wife and my 3 boys more than anything in the world. After becoming a Dad my Libido just has gone to crap, not to be inappropriate but I was a crazy horn dog when I was younger. I try to get into it but I just feel like I have shut off, I still can physically function but I fear my worries and stress from the day stay with me and it effects my libido. At the same time my wife is always giving me crap about it so her frustration makes it more like a chore than something enjoyable and then I get the privilege of her friends telling me I need to put out and seriously after taking crap all day at the office the last thing I need to hear is that, it has become emasculating. One thing that does help though is when my wife is less blunt and crazy it\\\'s more fun and it kind of brings back the hunt, instead of being attacked by some sex crazed lady(yes that used to be nice, but the novelty has worn off). I don\'t know if this helps but I wonder if this is how your husband is feeling.12. Hard times
Jan 18, 2010 15:34
I am almost 32 and I have been married for 11 years, i love my wife and my 3 boys more than anything in the world. After becoming a Dad my Libido just has gone to crap, not to be inappropriate but I was a crazy horn dog when I was younger. I try to get into it but I just feel like I have shut off, I still can physically function but I fear my worries and stress from the day stay with me and it effects my libido. At the same time my wife is always giving me crap about it so her frustration makes it more like a chore than something enjoyable and then I get the privilege of her friends telling me I need to put out and seriously after taking crap all day at the office the last thing I need to hear is that, it has become emasculating. One thing that does help though is when my wife is less blunt and crazy it\\\'s more fun and it kind of brings back the hunt, instead of being attacked by some sex crazed lady(yes that used to be nice, but the novelty has worn off). I don\'t know if this helps but I wonder if this is how your husband is feeling.13. Not Prince Charming
Jan 24, 2010 05:51
Cinderella, I hope you read this. Maybe - unlike ravenous - there is still time to save your marriage. I've been married for a little more than 20 years, I LOVE my wife, but we haven't had sex in years, and haven't had satisfying sex for me in twice that time. Why? There are many factors, but what Hard Times said (especially in this economy) and the fact that my wife has the same attitude that you do, are major factors. Do you not understand that both you and your husband are 20 years older than when you first got together? And the sex drives of men and women operate differently. My wife thinks that she shouldn't have to do anything and that I should just be a man and take her - but she doesn't recognize that 20 years ago my sex drive was strong enough that I almost would have had sex with a knot hole in a tree trunk. Now I'm 47 and stress and age have taken away the aspect of getting excited at the drop of a hat and staying excited for long enough to enjoy getting (or giving) pleasure. To summarize what Joel said, she no longer spends a significant amount of time each week giving me her undivided attention. When she speaks to me at all, it is only about her interests, not mine. I can't speak for all men, but I need to be excited in order to WANT sex, in order to ENJOY sex. And at 53, her skin doesn't have the glow that once excited me, (without her having to do anything), her body doesn't have the muscle/skin tone that it once had (without her having to do anything), her breath is awful when once it was sweet. And these days, she dresses more like her mother dressed when I first met her than like she dressed when I first met her. In short, if you want a man to just take you, get involved with a boy just out of high school. Otherwise, you need to find out what excites your spouse and do it. Find out what turns your spouse off and don't do it (or as in the case of my wife's bad breath, at least try to do something about it.) And in case I'm not being clear here, this doesn't just apply to women. Men need to do the exact same things for their wife.14. Ugly stepsister
Feb 01, 2010 13:09
Cinderella, you've nearly taken the words right off my keyboard - there's only action when I start it... For us, it's been nearly 26 years and four kids. Neither of us has been "fixed" and it's always been up to me to "take care of things" but this month I asked him to protect himself (in addition to avoiding the fertile days using NFP). He passive/aggressively refused - simply didn't go out and buy anything basically - and eventually told me he really didn't find them comfortable, spontaneous, and experience-enhancing for him. As if the products I used were comfortable, spontaneous, and experience-enhancing for me all these years (not going into it here)! Add to this his foot fetish and how we were "managing" his urges during my most fertile times of the month... and suddenly I am truly feeling like the ugly step-sister - is that the only part of me that turns him on ???!!!! Frankly, this only dawned on me recently; yes, I am slow sometimes. :]Gentleman, I am in better shape now than I was when we were married; I take better care of myself than I did before. As for him, Cialis has proven beneficial for him.
It is him and not me. I don't want to end up like ravenous, but I'm tired of letting somebody make me feel ugly by neglect or ignorance. Whenever we try to talk about it, he's the victim: "What did I do wrong now?" e_e
I'll keep working on this, but he's going to have to work too. We're getting out of this rut *together*, whether he likes it or not.
Good column, Kristen.