Mominatrix

Mominatrix answers a reader's question about his wife's fantasies.

By Kristen Chase

Dear Mominatrix:

My wife and I went from an open marriage to almost divorced, but thankfully we managed to repair the damage and get our marriage back on track. No surprise that this set our sex life back a bit, but now she's starting to open up to me and has shared that she's had a fantasy about being with another woman. I think it's hot but she's afraid it is just the first step back down the path we took before.

How do I convince her that her fantasy isn't "wrong" or a bad idea? Even if just once, it would fuel sexual fires in our relationship for a very long time to come. -JR


Given the state of marriage these days, JR, congratulations on being able to pick up the pieces of your relationship and put it back together again. It's no small feat to stay married but to find yourselves back in a place for her to feel comfortable opening up to you again after a breach of trust is pretty rare.

If you haven't already figured this out, women are pretty intuitive, not just about other people, but about themselves as well, and it sounds as though your woman is no exception. Think of her refusal to fulfill her fantasy as a protective wall -- a shield that's keeping what you've rebuilt safe from intruders.

Literally.

And for many women, fantasies are an escape from reality that's sexually satisfying just as an idea or a series of well orchestrated thoughts and absolutely nothing more. In fact many times, the fantasy itself is often better when it's left untouched in a woman's mind rather than recreated in real life. No imperfect body parts or weird sounds, no premature ejaculation or inability to orgasm.

And no guilt or emotional baggage. 

From reading your email, it sounds as though you are more interested in talking her into it than actually helping her remove whatever is blocking her ability to act upon it. Is she the one really aching for it or are you the one aching for her to ache for it?

Big difference.

Chances are, she's happy with the way your renewed sex life and doesn't want to risk permanently wrecking it. And not out of a fear that her being with another woman will somehow bother you. Men don't tend to be the types to say one thing and mean another. It's clear from your salivating tongue, wagging tail, and strategically placed tripod and video camera that you will not be bothered by this one bit. Only hot and bothered.

So if she's not moving on it, then there's something else going on -- perhaps a fear that in being with another woman she might somehow open up a whole other can of worms and awaken something within her that she'd rather just keep in her own head and not for the pleasure of yours.

Now that's not to say this fantasy might never come to fruition.

If you're really determined to make this happen for both of you, because let's be honest, there is no such thing as a "threesome martyr," then you might want to approach the situation as being a part of her sexuality rather than as a completely separate experience. Explain that like using handcuffs or wearing a garter belt, you find this fantasy sexy. And so, instead of giving the third party life -- with tits and a vagina -- you're making her more inanimate, and therefore safer for everyone involved, especially your wife. The special guest isn't actually a person, but rather, a prop to enhance your own sexual relationship.

Truth is, JR, that most women are perfectly happy living their lives without all or even any of their sexual fantasies fulfilled, so enjoy what you have while you have it. For all you know, "another woman" could be cover for "hot neighbor dude next door with the bigger penis."



Read more: mominatrix, sex, marriage

You know you have questions for the Mominatrix -- come on, don't be shy, email them to mominatrix@imperfectparent.com. Identities are kept strictly confidential.


Kristen Chase left a job as a college music professor for her current career as stay-at-home-mother of four. When she's not perusing the local adult bookstores and foot fetish websites, she is the publisher and CEO of Cool Mom Picks and Cool Mom Tech, and writes on her personal blog, Motherhood Uncensored, as well as various other online outlets. Her book, The Mominatrix's Guide to Sex, was published in 2010.

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