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Work vs. Motherhood |
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| March 26, 2009
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I'm so happy that I'm expecting, but I seem to have forgotten what it's like to be pregnant. The exhaustion, the food aversions, the food cravings, the weeping, the moodiness... the exhaustion. Sleep is my middle name these days, and it's taking it's toll on me. Being wife, mother, working woman and pregnant all at once is more than a full time job. I thank my lucky stars every morning for the ability to work from home. And I'm very grateful that Dawson is in preschool two mornings a week. The uninterrupted two hours (and 15 minutes!) is wonderful because my day runs a little smoother when I'm not constantly refilling juice cups or putting toys away. I'd like to say that I'm just so busy with other things, and that's why I don't have time to do everything. But the truth is, when I'm not working I'm probably sleeping. Sharing my body with another little being sure is exhausting. And I still have seven months to go! The irony of it all is that when I was pregnant with Dawson, I worked full time outside of the home and never felt like a slacker more than I do now. Is a second (or third? or fourth?) pregnancy really that much harder than the first? If this is true, how in the world has Michelle Duggar endured 18 pregnancies without losing her sanity? (Okay I know she had twins in there somewhere, but I imagine housing two babies is twice as exhausting.) My husband says it's all about balance and knowing how to prioritize, and I understand his point of view, but when he goes to work he goes to work. He isn't working and doing laundry and rearing children. I'm not trying to say that he's got it easy. He works hard to support our family and when he's home he does what he can to help out with the housework. I'm a lucky woman, indeed. The real issue is that working men and working women are bound to different expectations. Perhaps society still thinks of men as the primary breadwinners, even though more and more women are in the workforce, many of which bring home the bacon while their partners stay home with the kids. Maybe it's the way our culture pins women to motherhood as if it's the only role we are capable of. This is a myth and I truly think this is why so many of us suffer the mommy guilt. We want to be successful in our careers and in motherhood, but too often we're made to feel that doing well in one role takes something away from the other. Before I had a child I didn't pay much attention to the way mothers are treated in the workforce. Soon after Dawson was born I realized that my colleagues and my boss saw me differently. No longer was I the woman who managed to get her job done efficiently. Instead, I was the new mother who needed to be cut a little slack. It was as though management believed that childbirth had stolen my brain, and I was given a pass because I had a baby. With this pregnancy, I'm not working the 9 to 5 in an office downtown. I won't have a manager making me feel inadequate simply because I've birthed a child, but so many women in the workforce are made to feel this way and it's unacceptable. As I process these thoughts, I realize I began this post whining about my own feelings of inadequacy as far as motherhood and my work are concerned. Perhaps I was hoping to get a pass simply because I'm growing a child in my womb. But now I realize how that notion perpetuates the stereotype I despise. What are your thoughts? Can working women escape these stereotypes? How do we handle careers and motherhood successfully. Does it really come down to balancing priorities? | ||
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1. Kanu
Mar 26, 2009 10:19
Dana,Congratulations and best wishes for a smooth and safe pregnancy.
Coming to your questions about stereotyping a working mother. What I have experienced is not so much external prejudice/stereotyping as much as my own inability to balance with both work and home. I would like to excel at both, climb the corpoaret ladder just like my male or child free female peers, but each time I try, I feel like I am negelcting my home and my kids. Having an equally if not more ambitious spouse does not help. I really dont think it is humanly possible for anyone to play two competing roles, atleast in terms of demands on your time and focus, and excel at both.
2. Samantha
Mar 27, 2009 13:04
Congratulations on the little one. I hope for your (and his or her) continued good health.I'm a working mother of two. I have a 9 year old and an almost 2 year old. And it is a constant struggle. "Balance" is never achieved. The question is just where my focus is at a particular moment.
9 years ago, when I joined the ranks of "parent," my balance shifted. My work was no longer my life, but just the way I paid for my life. I still love my work, but it's not my life. Adding a second child has only made that more the case. I stopped being that go-getter at work who impressed everyone with the extra mile she would go.
I still do good work. In fact, I was nominated for teacher of the year this year, but I spend only 8 hours a day on "work," with rare exceptions. 10 years ago, before children, I probably spent 12-14 hours a day on the work I am paid for in dollars.
If anything, I wish I could afford to work less than 8 hours a day--and have more time for my children.
3. Susan Burris
Mar 29, 2009 00:44
Excuse me, can you please tell me why you’re entitled to praise because you have a child? It isn’t like you have a disease and have bravely fought it .You made the decision, now live with it.I am child-free and think mothers get to much given to them in the work force. When children are sick, it is mom who has to stay home with them. I have had many times to cover for some mom who has had to stay home, yet again, with her kid. I have had to work holidays even though I have had sonority at work because moms have to be with their children. I have been in companies where child care was a perk. Where was my perk since I wasn’t costing the company a dime? I have also had to sit in a cubicle next to a mom who couldn’t find daycare so she had to drag a kid along and expected everyone to take baby sitting duty while she was trying to get her work done. Or the endless phone calls home to see if the baby was ok. And then these women think they are to be applauded by society for the simple act of having a child.
Men are viewed differently in the work force because most of them don’t bring the “I am a mommy” syndrome with them. They don’t expect a free pass to get to come in late, stay out of work, or go home early. They don’t have to make it a point of going to everyone and talking about their darling, even when you don’t care. One of my male co-workers just had a baby yet I don’t have to be reminded on a daily basis. He doesn’t come by with a daily report on his darling and about her body functions. I don’t have to see 50 new pictures a day and I don’t have to wonder why the phone is ringing off the hook, only to look over and see him on the phone every 5 minutes,
I am also tired of moms, especially single moms, who think they are entitled to everything because they are a mom. I am a travel agent and I am sick of people who seem to think I am obligated to give them a champagne vacation on their kool aid budget. They expect the world and when I can’t help them they ask me “well what am I supposed to tell my children, I promised them we could go to Disney”. As if they expect me to pay the rest out of my pocket to make them happy.
Granted it is a good thing not everyone feels about parenting and children the way I do. But I wish more women would think about what happens after the baby comes before you have one. Producing a child doesn’t make you special or entitled in life.
4. Dana
Mar 29, 2009 11:09
Hi Susan,First, you have every right to voice your opinion.
Second, you're right. Having children is a choice, one that I'm happy I made. I love my child (soon to be children) dearly and wouldn't trade this life for anything.
Third, if you read my words again, you'll see that I wasn't asking for a pass or special treatment -- because it is that very thing that I can't stand.
However, am I not welcome to vent and voice my opinions in the same manner you have?
It really is a controversial subject because in so many ways, moms are treated differently. Mothers who are not in the workforce aren't given any credit for the work they are doing at home. They are raising the future of this country.
On the contrary, mothers in the workforce are often treated like they are no longer valued members of society because they birthed a child.
I understand that because you don't have children, you see it differently.
But think of those single mothers who need to work to put food on the table, the ones who didn't choose for life to be as difficult it as might be for them. Should they be punished?
Before you make snap judgments, try to put yourself in that woman's shoes.
You are right, you don't have to worry about daycare or sick children, but some parents do, and a little understanding can go a long way.
Now I realize there are some parents who might abuse the system, but not all parents -- so please don't paint us all into the same corner.