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Motherhood: The New Competitive Sport |
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| August 20, 2009
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One of the advantages to working from home is that I am able to spend more quality time with my son, Dawson. One of the disadvantages to working from home is that I often spend too much time with my son. With my husband working outside the home 40+ hours a week, he doesn't have as much time to spend with his "mini-me," aside from a few hours here and there when he's not fulfilling the many demands of his pregnant wife (taking the garbage out, lifting heavy things, opening jars, re-carpeting the spare bedroom, the list goes on). Dawson and I do lots of fun things together; trips to the park, the library, Adventure Alley at the YMCA, and lots of play dates, too. But, sometimes Mom needs a night out, and last month I took advantage of 2 hours away from all motherly and wifely duties. A few months ago I joined a moms' group to meet other local mothers and their children. Dawson and I have made some great friends, and I truly enjoy my time out with these new friends. I love having the support network, and when I'm stuck at home for days on end, it's nice to know I can call one of my mom-friends for adult conversation. For the recent Moms' Night Out (MNO) we went to dinner at a local hot spot; just me and six other moms. We talked about the new school year which is fast approaching, which teachers our children had and how much money we spent on Back To School necessities. After talking to the newest member of the group for a fair amount of time, I realized I was conversing with one of those moms. You know the type. The mom who has her children involved in seven different sports, dance classes and other extra-curricular activities. My husband calls them "CompetiMoms" and the title rightly fits. This woman was very sweet and friendly, and she spoke of her children with a glint in her eye. She was proud of her kids' accomplishments, and loved telling me how skilled they were in sports, how involved they were in charitable organizations, etc. Her three children, ages 13, 11 and 8 are involved in 3 sports each (soccer, football, hockey, volleyball, softball, gymnastics, karate and tennis), one has dance class, one has piano & clarinet lessons, and the other takes art classes at the local Art Village. My head was spinning just thinking of all the hours my friend spends in the car, driving each of her children from one activity to the next. It's almost as time consuming as a full-time job. Where does she find the time? I didn't ask what her schedule was like from day to day, but as a stay-at-home mom, I imagine she has the time to run her children all over town, in between laundry, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and other household duties. But are these activities spread out on different days of the week? Don't some of these activities overlap? My curiosity got the best of me, so I asked. "Oh, Julie has dance on Thursdays, and soccer on Tuesdays, Andrea has piano on Mondays and Fridays, and softball and volleyball on Wednesday and Friday. Adam has hockey on Tuesday and Soccer on Thursday..." My head was spinning. I cannot imagine doing all of these things all week long. Where does she find time for herself? Does she find time for herself? My friend asked me what activities Dawson was involved in. I thought her head was going to explode when I said, "He's not in any activities just yet." The expression on her face was priceless. I think she thought I was the crazy one. I felt like I was being judged for not having my son in sports or any classes, but seriously, the boy isn't even five years old yet. When did motherhood become a competitive sport? I know being a parent is a full-time job, but I don't remember reading anything about being a full-time taxi driver in the job description. I couldn't help but wonder if my friend has over-scheduled her children. Do her kids enjoy these activities? Was it their decision to join every single one? How much influence did their parents have in making these decisions? How expensive is it to be involved in each one of these sports and classes? I can't help but wonder if this mother is living vicariously through her children, or if she just wants them to experience many different things? What are the advantages of being involved in several different activities? What are the disadvantages? I mean really, all these activities on top of school work? And earning their keep with household chores? Are today's parents trying to raise Super Kids? I know parents want what's best for their children. We want to provide for them and offer them opportunities to do things they love. But at what point are we pushing our children too hard? At what point are they too involved? When did childhood become a full time job? When I compare my son to these Super Kids, I start to think I'm not doing enough or encouraging him enough. He's not enrolled in soccer (although he has mentioned he'd like to learn to play this year), I haven't signed him up for gymnastics at the YMCA, I'm not pushing him into piano lessons either. In all honesty, my son is just happy to play with his Legos, hang out at the park with his best friends, and he loves when his parents read to him before bed. Isn't that enough? At what age should I introduce new opportunities, whether it be sports or music lessons? I'll never be able to compete with the CompetiMoms, and that's all right with me. | ||
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16 Responses to "Motherhood: The New Competitive Sport"Leave a comment: | ||
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1. Lisa
Aug 20, 2009 18:34
Why do you consider this woman a CompetiMom? It sounds like she's doing what she thinks is best for her children, not trying to dazzle you with her super-momness. Do you look down your nose at her because she's happy? Because she spends a lot of time for and with her family and doesn't seem resentful of that time? I'm sorry, Dana, but you just come across as petty and jealous, and just a little bit holier-than-thou. If you were secure in your motherhood and the choices you've made and will make for your family, this woman's dedication to her children's activities wouldn't even have warranted a blip on your radar.2. Dana
Aug 20, 2009 18:47
I'm sorry to hear you think I'm petty and jealous. I can assure you that's not the case. I don't believe I'm trying to come across as holier-than-thou, I'm merely asking questions about the fact that these three kids appear to be over-scheduled. Nor was I looking my nose down at my friend. It's true, I was judgmental at first, but I was also being judged for my choices as well.Thankfully, I'm very secure in my parenting choices and do not feel the need to book Dawson into 7 different activities each week. Obviously my friend has the time and resources to do so.
How many children do you have, Lisa? How many activities are they involved in? Do you have any advice to offer instead of a scathing comment? If so, I'd love to hear it.
3. Lisa
Aug 20, 2009 19:26
Dana,I didn't say you were petty and jealous. I said you came across as petty and jealous, because you did. And my words weren't meant as scathing, more as an assessment of the tone of your article. You didn't seem as if you were genuinely questioning how this woman and her family do what they do, or whether the number and frequency of the activities was appropriate. You seemed, instead, to be questioning why they would choose to take part in such a *ridiculous* number of activities. The number of activities seemingly works for that family, so your need to question their choices seems like barely concealed jealousy. This is solely my opinion - maybe other readers will see it differently.
As for the number of children I have, the answer is two. Both my children take part in two activities apiece, generally during the school year, which encompass several days a week. I am a stay at home mother, too, so I have the time and ability to commit to my children's activities. I do not feel that two activiites per child is too much, but that's what works for my family. I make no presumptions about what might work for anyone else's family. Maybe when your children are older, you'll have the time (and desire?) to commit to activities without feeling overwhelmed or like you're sacrificing too much "you" time.
4. Dana
Aug 20, 2009 21:04
Thanks for clarifying, Lisa. Just as you were "reading" my implied tone, I too, was "reading" yours.My question for you is, what number of activities per child do you deem as too many? Two? Three? Seven?
My friends children are in six to seven activities each, every week. In my opinion (and many parents will not agree with me) that seems like an overwhelming amount. I'm impressed that these young kids, at their ages, are able to be committed to each and every one of them. Does one activity eventually take away from another, especially in that large number?
5. Lisa
Aug 21, 2009 00:43
As I mentioned, "I do not feel that two activiites per child is too much, but that's what works for my family. I make no presumptions about what might work for anyone else's family."I still do not see why you refer to your friend as a 'CompetiMom' or why the title of your post claims motherhood is a competitive sport. From the way you told the story, your friend did not seem to be trying to one-up you in the activities department, especially since you readily admitted your child doesn't take part in any activities. In what way was your friend being competitive?
Also, I fully believe your friend's 13-year-old and 11-year-old are old enough to know if they're over-scheduled, and likely wouldn't be afraid to make their opinions known.
And to answer the final question in your original post, I think now is the right time to involve your son in sports. At age 5, he's old enough to grasp a basic understanding of his sport of choice, and he'll spend a an hour or so a couple times a week burning up energy. Of course, as the parent, YOU have to decide how his activities will affect the family, and whether or not the time and effort are worth it.
6. Dana
Aug 21, 2009 10:46
Thanks, Lisa! I'm sorry my post offends you, or makes you feel defensive. I appreciate your comments.7. Lisa
Aug 21, 2009 22:53
You're welcome! However, you never answered my question about the title of the post and the term 'CompetitMom.' HOW was your friend being competitive? Where was the one-upmanship? Did something competitive take place that you did not detail in the post? Did you mis-title your post? Thanks!8. Dana
Aug 22, 2009 12:42
I was explaining that motherhood has become a competitive sport, that if you don't have your children in all the "right" activities or sports or academic endeavors you're looked down upon. Just like my friend looked shocked and appalled that I didn't have Dawson in sports yet.Perhaps you're one of the lucky ones who lives in a community where these things do not take place.
In my community, there's a lot of "one- upping" going on, and I refuse to partake in that. My son is happy and healthy and for me that's most important. I'm sure that some day he'll want to play a sport, but I'm not going to push him.
9. Darcie
Sep 01, 2009 11:36
Dana, I think your initial post was not any more judgemental than any other mom may have been...admit it we are all a bit judgemental from time to time. But the spirit of your questions are good intentioned - I believe.To answer your questions:
Like you said, most activities do cost money and not everyone has the resources to do so. By the age five it doesn't hurt, as long as your son is asking to try soccer, to go ahead and try.
I have 2 girls, one is 3 1/2 and the other is just 1 year. The older has been taking tumblin/gymnastics classes for 2 years. My original goal was not to make her an olympic athelete but to get her used to listening to directions, wait her turn, play with other kids and to see if she liked it. She LOVES to go I think it gives her a real sense of accomplishment and she is so proud of herself when she can finally do something she has been practicing for a while. I ask her every so often if she still wants to go. If she wants to stop I will.
I think every family has to set limits for their kids and each child is going to be different (personality, interests).
On the other hand my daughter sees her babysitter's daughters take dance classes and they keep "asking" her if she is going to dance. I feel they are pressuring her, and she looks up to them so she says yes. It's not something I want to guide my daughter towards so I am not doing it. If one day, in a few years when I feel she is old enough to make up her own mind, she asks me for dance lessons then I will have to try it for her sake, not mine.
And yes, I agree with you that there are way too many kids that are over extended with activities. What is their parents' goal? Kids need down time to learn how to entertain themselves and enjoy spending time with their family.
As with every parenting decision you need to do what you feel is right for you and your son.
10. Dana
Sep 01, 2009 12:16
Thanks, Darcie!I am so glad to read your comment, especially about setting limits. And the pressure! I sometimes wonder who feels it the most, the parent or the child?
I did sign up Dawson for soccer, but I chose to do it at our YMCA. We're members, so it was free. But in a few years, if my son likes it enough to keep playing, he'll have to join a local youth soccer group and the fee is a little more than I expected.
11. been there, done that
Sep 07, 2009 15:00
Calm down, Dana. You're doing great. My kids are older and I wish I could have all the money and time back that I spent on activities for kids who were truly too little to enjoy or learn from activities (particularly Gymboree, and particularly in this economy). I'm an introvert and two of my kids are and I think mostly I just upset them as three year olds when I dragged them out to gymnastics and the like. And I didn't really enjoy the socializing with other moms either. Just do what works for your family. And honestly, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if your child plays nine or ten years of soccer as a child? Are any of our children actually going to be professional athletes? Highly unlikely. Save your money and your sanity. You're doing great. If you must, find something fun that you both enjoy and reevaluate a couple of times a year.12. Dana
Sep 07, 2009 21:34
Thanks BT,DT! Great advice. I figure if he wants to play fine, but I'm not going to push him. Or spend more money than a car payment. :)13. Cindy La Ferle
Oct 05, 2009 17:54
Your essay brought back lots of memories! I stayed home to write and raise my son, and encountered many of the competitive moms you talked about here. Keep doing what you're doing -- you've got the right attitude. My son was allowed to have a real childhood -- not a professional childhood -- and he did just fine. (His favorite pastime was hanging out with kids in the neighborhood, making forts out of cardboard appliance boxes and playing in the park.) He graduated with honors from an ivy league school and got a great job.14. Dana
Oct 05, 2009 20:39
Cindy, thank you for weighing in. I'm happy to hear from other, more experienced moms who've been in my shoes. It makes me realize that I'm doing just fine. :)15. Carley Knobloch
Oct 14, 2009 00:11
Thanks for sharing your take on this issue. I think it's every mom's inalienable right to enroll her kids in as few-- or as many-- activities as she wants. Good for you for not rushing your son, and great for her for giving her's so many opportunities. It's so hard to take in someone else's parenting decision and let it have NO bearing on your own-- most of us immediately launch into self-inquiry, self-judgment and guilt. I think it's okay that we're all on our own paths with this stuff: I have one child who, at age 4, was perfectly happy staying home all day. My other one who is now 4, demands to go places and do stuff constantly. Kids are all so different, and so are mome. :)16. Lisa
Dec 31, 2009 21:58
So, Dana, how is the mother-of-two thing going?