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A Stigmatism |
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| November 15, 2007
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My mother was the main culprit. She loved to tell me that I shouldn't wait too long because my kids wouldn't be close or have anything in common. I dismissed her advice and told her, "I'm just not ready yet." At that time in my life I wasn't ready to bring another child into the world. I had finally caught up at work, I had managed to get our house back in order, and our parenting routine had finally been established. I couldn't imagine unraveling the organization that had been so carefully weaved. As the months went by and my son grew older, I began to feel that familiar tick-tock of the biological clock. I wondered if it was time to start trying for baby number two. I worried about the spacing between children and I remember someone telling me that two years was ideal, three years was okay, and four years was too many. Every baby magazine I read gave testimonials from mothers with children a year and a half to two years apart. They believed that having children close together was best. The truth is, I was afraid. The first time I got pregnant I missed several weeks of work as the result of bed rest due to pre-eclampsia. When I returned from maternity leave 10 weeks later, my job was the same, but the way I was treated by my boss and co-workers changed. I was no longer treated like a competent Insurance Rep.; instead I was labeled as the "tired new mommy". People were friendly to my face, but behind my back words like "breeder", "mommy brain" and "breastfeeding nazi" were thrown around negatively. I was no longer invited to office lunch dates because it was assumed I'd be pumping for an hour straight and wouldn't be interested in eating at a nice restaurant with adults. My boss had chosen co-workers for special projects because there was less risk the employee without children would call in sick. My productivity goals were lowered when I returned to work because my manager believed I wouldn't be as efficient as I was before giving birth. It took nearly a year to prove them all wrong. I was still an excellent worker. I was still able to meet my goals and get the job done. I didn't want to jeopardize that by having another baby. In the end, I left that company because of the way I was treated. Promotions and advancement opportunities weren't being offered to mothers. Moms were often penalized for having the audacity to push a baby out of their vaginas, as if we lost our intelligence during labor. Dads were slapped on the pack for "slipping one past the goalie" and given a corner office with a view. I told myself when the timing was right I would be fortunate to have another child, but I was making excuses to avoid talking about it. I tried to convince myself I was not ready. I told everyone I had other things to tackle before getting pregnant again. Now two years later, babies are all I can think about. I've been working hard at my current job for almost a year, and I've become very successful. My son is three years old and it's become a little easier to care for him. The planets have aligned! I'm confident that I'm physically and emotionally ready to bring another baby into the world. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a few months, but so far nothing has worked. I'm starting to wonder if a higher power is at work. Maybe we're not supposed to have another baby yet. Maybe there are other things in store for us. Perhaps our jobs will become more demanding. Maybe we have to tackle other tasks first. As disappointing as it can be to see a negative pink line on a pregnancy test, I sometimes feel relieved. I'm still afraid of damaging all that I've worked for in my career. I worry that my employer will change his opinion of me when I do become pregnant and have to tell him I'd be on maternity leave for 8 weeks. In the field of Audiology we deal with the stigma associated with hearing aids. Several patients worry about the physical appearance of hearing instruments. They believe that others will think there is something wrong with them because they wear a hearing instrument to improve their hearing. I sometimes wonder if there is a stigma associated with motherhood. I worry about the physical appearance of my "mommy tummy". I've witnessed the exasperated looks that childless people have given me when I mention I have a son. Nothing is worse than the eye roll I get when I say I can't make it to "Friday Night Happy Hour" because I have to pick up my kid from daycare. When will mothers be respected for their commitment to their career and their children? Why is it so awful to believe that a woman can be a devoted mother and a productive employee? I've asked myself those questions a thousand times. I realized it starts with me. If I don't believe I'm capable of raising children and being a successful career woman, no one else will either. And perhaps once I believe it, I'll have no trouble getting pregnant... and telling my boss the good news. | ||
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1. PT-LawMom
Nov 15, 2007 15:32
Two years? Try four years. My son (4 1/2) is now literally begging us for siblings. Specifically a sister and a brother, in that order. He even saves toys to open "when his sister arrives." Gawd! My issue is that pregnancy was so very hard on me physically and having to come back at 6 weeks was also difficult. Until I'm physically and emotionally ready, even though I feel bad for my son, I just won't get pregnant again. It sucks. :(Good luck with your conception!! Hope it happens soon and that your new employer is much more receptive. :)
2. Dana
Nov 15, 2007 15:40
PT-LawMom, I understand how you feel. If I were to conceive tomorrow, there would be a little under four years between children. And while my own mother scoffs at that age gap, I think it's kind of perfect. I can hope my son would be potty-trained by then. Considering his reluctance these days, it's not looking good!Thanks for the good luck wishes!
3. Liz
Nov 15, 2007 16:36
Oh, Dana [heavy sigh] I can almost hear mothers across the internets breathing a collective, "Sing it, sistah!"Breeders, non-breeders, one-armed, three-eyed, purple people eaters...whatever...at the end of the day...I just wish that we could learn to give each other the breathing space we ALL deserve!
Of course, you guys will be needing a LOT more.
Sending all good breeding vibes your way - good luck ;o)
4. PT-LawMom
Nov 15, 2007 16:39
If it gives you any hope, my son wasn't trained at 3 and then by 3 1/4 he just was. No big effort on our part, he just decided he was ready.5. Dana
Nov 15, 2007 17:02
Liz, I hear you! I'm tellin' ya....breathing room would be superb.PT-LawMom...thanks for the good advice. I've been miserable, thinking my son will never go on the potty!
6. Michelle
Dec 07, 2007 12:20
I personally don't believe in a "higher power" myself, but I would urge you to consider the possibility of Secondary Infertility if you haven't conceived after 6 months.People always seem to think they know what's best for you. It's like they're saying they can make your family better than you can. What's wrong with one child if that's what you want? What's wrong with your children being 7 years apart in age? What works for one mother may be completely horrible for you. People in your life need to realize that.
They also need to mind their own f**king business. It's almost as offensive as asking the sexual positions used to conceive your child. "Will you be adding anymore children to your family?" "Will you be using the missionary or female-superior positions?" "How's your cervical mucus looking these days?"
People are so insecure in their own lives that they are worried you will judge them by not taking their advice. You space your children farther apart than they did? They see it as a judgment on their decision. They need to leave you alone and see a shrink.
7. Dana
Dec 07, 2007 19:10
Thanks for the great advice Michelle! I'm going to have to grow some balls and tell them all to kiss my hinder! :)