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Does One Label Fit All? |
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Technically, the label fits. I’m just not sure I’m wearing it the way it was meant to be worn. About two years ago I noticed that I was starting to pull what I would call “the single mother card.” I had resisted referring to myself in this way for a long time because I’ve never liked being lumped into a specific category, and I didn’t want anyone to treat me differently from before. I certainly didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable or sorry for me. But I discovered that telling others about my situation often helped me explain why I was so tired some days, or couldn’t go to an event after work or travel out of town on a particular night. I could tell by the “Oh, okay” responses that people “got it” then. What they were “getting” out of this label was another matter. First and most common were those who had suffered through (or caused) bitter and evil divorces, complete with sharks dressed up as attorneys, and morally bankrupt characters clear out of an episode of Dynasty. On the other end of the spectrum were the widows and widowers who had experienced the tragic, untimely death of a spouse. It was a given in my naïve and romance-saturated mind that these sad souls would learn to move on one day and find true love again. Next, came the unwed, teenage mothers. These girls were a lot like me except for the choices they made -- bad, unfortunate choices… like the fourteen year-old girl a grade ahead of me in school found out. She left school one fall to go live with cousins in Florida under a cloud of pregnancy suspicion. More mystery! I had also heard of suburban wives abandoned by their husbands, leaving these mothers confused and angry – but also resilient in raising their children (even future presidential candidates) on their own. Finally, I knew welfare mothers were single moms – in fact, when I was younger, this was the single mother scenario I imagined first when I heard the term. Stereotypes aside, it was clear to me even back then that few of these mothers had the resources to pursue happiness like in the movies; they were just getting by each day. Of course, many single parents find themselves in these exact situations today. In my book, they’ve earned their stripes. I, on the other hand, became single after leaving my marriage on relatively peaceful, low key terms. (Note: peaceful divorces are still painful.) The Ex and I were able to work out our divorce and custody arrangements ourselves, and managed most days to put our children above the fray. Today, we co-parent, splitting duties and time, and share responsibility for our son’s and daughter’s well-being and upbringing. During my separation and divorce, I also had as strong network of family and friends to comfort and support me, even when they didn’t always agree with my decisions. I had a stable job and was able to support myself financially from the beginning. I only had to work one job, unlike so many women I hear about having to hold down two or more. Some days are a struggle to pay the bills on-time, to put the kids in clean underwear and to keep the house clean (enough), but I get by. I more than get by. While it’s not all sunshine and roses, I have more time to focus on these things – and myself – than many married folk I know. I’m doing okay on my own. I’m doing better than many other parents, regardless of their marital status. So what gives? This isn’t a misery-loves-company competition. I didn’t miss the new “CSM” (Certified Single Mother) degree program – did I? Am I suffering a case of cushy single mom’s guilt? Maybe. I don’t feel a need to apologize for being who or where I am; in fact, I am grateful for the skills, support, and luck I’ve been given to help me through this phase of my life. So when I wonder why other parents have had a more difficult or different journey than mine, or whether I should describe myself as a single mom, I will try to focus not on the “whys” but the “hows” – how can I give back time and resources to those who haven’t been as fortunate? How can I be a better mom? | ||
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1. Liz C
Sep 23, 2008 11:09
I am so with you... I feel like I can't call myself a single mom because The Ex is certainly holding up his end of the co-parenting deal. I am in no way raising my son alone. Although I have been known to play the card on occasion, and I always feel bad about it. Unfortunately, it just takes too long to explain that yeah, I'm single and I have a son, but my Ex is a really good dad and we're co-parenting....Thanks for putting it out there. I thought I was the only one in this particular boat.
2. Tonya
Sep 23, 2008 17:10
I like this because I too struggle with the term "single mom". The term is such an oxymoron in my eyes because each word means something completely different!!I try not to play that card either unless I want pity from my kid's teacher for not doing an elaborate assignment (that my kid shouldn't be expected to do at their age anyway... but that's a whole other topic). Other than that, yeah, its one of those things where I may not have it as bad as others. But for some reason, we all feel that we have to define ourselves as something, right? So society knows what to do with us? Me? I just try to be happy, no matter what.
3. Susan
Sep 23, 2008 22:24
Liz and Tonya, thanks for sharing your thoughts on what "single mom" means to you. It's been on my mind lately because I keep hearing women using this term. (Well, you know except for women who aren't moms and aren't single!) It's kind of disconcerting to hear celebs or the "Real Housewives" bemoaning the fact that they're single moms -- I mean how hard is it when you have a maid, a nutritionist, nanny? But then I started to think that I've had a lot of luxuries that many moms, single or not, don't.4. Kathy
Sep 24, 2008 09:05
Maybe you're just a mom and a single woman? Although I'm married I am convinced that many kids, like yours, are not in any way at a disadvantage because their dad isn't around. Indeed some are at a disadvantage because they ARE.Thank you for the great post Susan.
5. dadshouse
Sep 24, 2008 15:13
My situation is similar to yours - my ex and I split amicably, have 50% legal and physical custody, co-parent, put the kids first.I didn't start using the "single dad" label until I entered the blogosphere. I know single parents come in all shapes and sizes. I'm single. I'm a dad. I'm deeply involved in my kids' lives. I seek out adult relationships of both the casual and fulfilling kind.
I know that my issues as a "single parent" are totally different than a full time single mom of a toddler whose ex occasionally wanders into her life. But that doesn't make me or my story any less relevant. In fact, I find that married people can totally relate to my situation, and see their own lives through a different light by looking at me.
Don't feel guilty.
6. Single Mom Seeking
Sep 25, 2008 12:34
I've thought a lot about this one, too. Thanks for letting us into your mind.For a while, I used to call myself a "solo mom." I'm on my own -- no ex in the picture.
So, I do see myself in a different boat than single parents who have split custody... on the other hand, I have an amazing support of family and friends nearby.
Indeed, the label doesn't fit all.
7. Susan
Sep 25, 2008 13:13
Kathy, I appreciate you chiming in on this, and Dadshouse and Single Mom Seeking, you're right: no need for guilt...although isn't that what parenting's all about??!SMS: I like the "solo mom" concept, similar to what Kathy wrote above.
8. Paula
Oct 11, 2008 22:23
I'm a little behind on my blogreading, so this comment is kind of late. I became a single mother a couple of months ago when my husband passed away. I have a hard time referring to myself as a single parent because I don't want to have to explain the situation. When I have mentioned it, most people say something about divorce because they assume that's why I'm single. No one assumes that I would be a widow at 38. And, like you, I don't have a lot of the struggles often identified with single moms. We are doing well financially. I only work one job that affords me a great deal of flexibility. I can afford to send my children to parochial school and still have some extra treats. I have a lot of support from my family to help out with the kids when I need it. So it is kind of weird for me for that reason, too. Since I know that term conjures up a lot of stereotypical images in people that I don't feel apply to me.9. Susan
Oct 12, 2008 22:47
Paula, thanks for your comment and I'm sorry for your loss. You're right that, most often, divorce is the first thing that comes to my mind when I think "single parent" -- but, like anything, I've learned the hard way that assumptions aren't worth a ton, especially being on the other side of one! I guess in the end, regardless of how we got here, we're all trying to to do the same thing as our married or coupled up counterparts: raise our kids the best we can.Now, if someone can just tell me how to prep for my daughter's teenage years, I'll be golden...!