The Imperfect Community

[Petulant Pixie]

Alex is 13 (just turned 13 in November). He's been doing tae kwon do at this studio since the end of Feb 05, so almost 3 years. He got his black belt the end of July, so he's far exceeded our expectations in this sport and now he wants to quit.

A little history--When we first signed up, there was this incredible instructor, M. He was young (still in college, so like 22ish), and really energetic and inspired the kids to push themselves. He was so talented, he was invited to try out for a part in a movie, he got the part (still hasn't been released in the US though) and then decided he wanted to pursue a career in Hollywood, so he and the second instructor (whom he married last spring) moved to LA in June.

The replacement instructor was M's instructor when he first started. He's an old retired marine. In his 50's, I'd guess. He is the black to M's white, he is the Ying to M's Yang, he is the Sean Hannity to M's Jon Stewart. It hasn't been an easy transition.

To make the transition worse, right before he started phasing himself out, M approved Alex to test for 1st degree black belt in February and the new instructor implemented a rule that people testing for black belts could only test at official black belt testings (in May and December), so Alex literally had that pulled out from under his feet. He was ready to test, he had all his stripes, he had the testing form signed with M's approval and then he was told at literally the last minute he couldn't do it because of a technicality in the new rules, made up by the new instructor. Then that Feb testing ended up being really controversial, too, because the same thing happened to another kid but the kid showed up and tested anyway and passed and got their belt and M took the public fall for it. I have no idea really what all went on, whether they blamed him for that since he was leaving anyway or what. But, it was a totally tainted testing and poor Alex really felt cheated by the whole thing and that's the incident that caused him to really falter in his faith in that school.

Then Alex tested in the official bb testing in May and failed. He didn't break one of his boards. He was so gracious about it though, even posed for pictures with his friends and went out to dinner to celebrate his best friend passing. But, he still insisted that had be been able to test in May, he would have passed. And, given a bunch of other surrounding circumstances, we think so too.

But, he tested in July or August and passed. After all that though, he didn't want to really "train" for a while. He wanted to just kind of go to classes for the exercise and the challenge of them and not even think about second degree black belt for a while. I couldn't blame him. He had been in serious "training" to test for 1st degree since January, so that was like 6 months of really pushing himself to succeed, he deserved a little break from that. But, the new instructor is very goal oriented and really pushes the students and rather than pushing them with praise, he pushes them with....well, he doesn't really like YELL at them, but it's definitely more aggressive. His style has not been well received by a LOT of students' parents. I don't really have a problem with it per se, but for some kids, it's just not the right kind of encouragement. But, again I figured at black belt, these students shouldn't NEED M showering them with praise all the time, that the drive to achieve should be from within. So, *I* thought that the transition from M to this guy over the black belt course was a good time for it to happen. But, then he is making everything very competitive, having races for everything and awarding "winners" for everything. It's just his style.

So, Alex hates it. He's hated it for a couple of months and he begs to quit. Which brings me to the problem.

I'd let him quit, but I know from myself and others that really there could be a lesson here, that quitting at the first sign of trouble isn't the right way to do things. A lot of times if you work though your dislike of something that you've put years of effort into, you reach something on the other side. It might not be the same kind of enjoyment you had before, it might be better even, but definitely "different." I'd like to see him experience that. Maybe if he works through this, he will find he likes it again.

Or, because he's already got the tainted relationship with this instructor and everything about it is so different from when he started, he'll stick with it for the expected amount of time (I'd like to see him stick with it six months) and then hate it even more and the lesson he'll go away with is--Yes, you should quit at the first whisper of discomfort because it will only grow inside you and waste your time. Quit! Quit! Quit!

So, should I let him quit? I have decided that I want him to stick with it until Katie gets her black belt (which she should be testing for in March), just because it would make things smoother if he waited until then. We also have told him long ago that when he does quit, HE needs to explain to the owner why he's choosing to stop. He does have a contract, but it lets you out at any time for any reason with a one month penalty fee, so we'd need to cover that. But, we feel that at his age and at his belt level, he should be able to explain why he's choosing to quit. He's not the kind of kid to get disrespectful or snotty at adults, so we have zero concern about him whining that he hates it, it's no fun, etc., we figure he'll have some pretty good points to bring up about how the tone and the instruction has changed (which is also why we'd like to see Katie get her bb before Alex drops the boom). And, until then I've told him he needs to pick three classes a week to attend and that's all he needs to do. He's chosen two leadership classes and one black belt class (that's the class he hates the most) and even those classes get met with groans.

So, it seems obvious the easiest thing would be to let him quit. But, then what? I've offered to look into other martial arts studios and he doesn't want me to. He says he just doesn't want to do martial arts any more, he hates it. So, the whole thing backfired. He's worked for almost three years and enjoyed the hugest portion of it, but now it's ruined for him forever? That's what I have a problem with and am therefore tempted to make him stick it out longer to see if some of that enjoyment returns. It's so clouded. I would expect him to go through this at some point, it's totally natural for a person devoted to anything for a long time (a sport, a musical instrument, college, whatever) to go through a period of wanting to quit, but you work through the tough times and come through it a better person. But, there's so much extra stuff shadowing this, I honestly do not know what to do in his best interest here. Let him quit, or hope that if he works through this it'll get better in 6 months or so?

Alex's attitude is also affecting Katie. Katie is her own person, but she a lot of times tends to parrot Alex on things (as younger siblings will do). Katie has a lot of talent in this sport. I mean, like a LOT of talent, where she could very well go on and compete nationally and hold her own. Alex is a very solid and sturdy martial artist, but Katie makes it look like a dance, she just has that extra dimension that some people have that goes beyond skill into real talent. Whatever happens with Alex, she isn't allowed to quit because that would be doing her an incredible disservice, And, we also really don't want to change schools for her because her thing is the extreme martial arts and even with M having left, his replacements (these two 17 y.o. kids, one boy and one girl) are the best in the nation for XMA, so she's at the best school for that. And I don't know whether it's best for HER to have Alex just quit and take his attitude somewhere else, or if it's best to make him stay and maybe have him turn his attitude around. There are so many things to consider.

[mammaX3_MOD]

My personal opinion is to have him stick with it a little longer. Definitely after Katie gets her black belt. You said that M and the older instructor are complete opposites. Maybe the older guy was hard on M and that's what made him friendly and lax. Maybe you could tell Alex that if he does enjoy the sport, but not the school or instructor, that maybe he could grown into an instuctor of kids himself. Then he could choose to be a hard-ass or a friend to the students. If only there was a way to talk to M. Maybe he had feelings of quitting under the direction of the older guy, and that sticking through something so hard made him appreciate it all the more.
As for the issue between him and Katie, you should let him know that no matter what he feels, he'd really be robbing Katie of her own enjoyment in the sport if he keeps an attitude about it. Let him know that whether he quits or stays, he needs to be positive around her.
Good luck.

[Jessica]

When will Katie get her blackbelt? If it's soon, then I would tell him to stick it out. If it's going to be a year or longer, I think he's old enough to make that decision for himself. It's not as if he's a "quitter". He has been committed to this sport for many years.

I'm of the camp that as long as it isn't a pattern, the child should have the ultimate say in the matter. JMO.

[ExCareerGal]

Sounds like a tough situation. I agree with Jessica but I also think you should discuss it with the new guy. Our teachers in the past has done some things that really hurt my daughter's feelings and made her want to quit TaeKwonDo. Since Jessie was so young when it happened I spoke to the teacher and got to see her perspective and why she was harsh at times (usually for saftey!!).

By telling the teacher she then initiated discussions with Jessie on why she was so tough on her. It gave the teacher a chance to explain her actions and get to know my daughter on a more personal level. It also gave Jessie a chance to see how much her teacher did care about her and believed in her abilities. The bottom line for me was that it was up to the teacher to "win" my daughter over to continue in TaeKwonDo. She did a great job and we are still there.

(In fact Jessie just tested for her red belt and is now a red belt second level. She should go up for a black belt sometime next year.)

So I think having your son discuss his situation with the new teacher gives the teacher an option to mend fences. If he does not, then let him quit after Katie tests. I think you already got most of the benefits of TaeKwonDo for your son. I would not insist he continue but I do insist that my kids pick something physical to do. My son is taking a break from TaeKwonDo to do basketball now. He got a little overwhelmed with Soccer and TaeKwonDo in the Fall. But I will try and encourage him back to it soon.

Good luck!
Janna

[mammaX3_MOD]

Pixie, just wondering if Alex is feeling any better toward Karate or his new instructor......

[Petulant Pixie]

Yes, it's interesting, I got a lot of different advice from different areas. I had originally decided to make him stick it out until Katie tests for her black belt in March and then see if he still wants to quit, but then his bitching and moaning was so bad that I told him if he wanted to quit now, he could. Then he and I had a big discussion (not our first, by far, but for some reason this one went differently) about HIS approach vs his instructor's approach and something clicked and it all made sense to him. I love it when that happens, lol, how just all of a sudden his eyes lit up and he started talking about how he was independent of the instructor and his own goals were HIS and not anyone else's and so on, and that just all of a sudden made a HUGE difference in his attitude towards it and everything. Now he says that he's planning to mid-term in March for his 2nd degree black belt. He can mid-term in March, then test for 2nd degree recommended in June and then test for 2nd degree black belt in September. Who knows! It certainly wasn't the direction I thought it would go, and it could change. But, like I said, something just clicked during our talk and he had a totally different perspective, one where he was in charge of his training, or choosing to lay off of training, not his instructor, and that made him rally and not want to quit at all. He still doesn't like this guy, or this guy's style, but he doesn't want to change to a different school either because there are other people here he does like.

But, see, this again reinforces my philosophy that sometimes it is good to coax kids over hurdles rather than just let them make their own decisions. I've been through rough times with things, so I know that sometimes things get better, or the environment changes or the perspective changes, and sometimes it doesn't and it's best to bail. But, a kid doesn't know that, they haven't had the life experience to realize that six or nine months sometimes is NOT a long time to wait things out when the payoff is really big--when it's something they have a lot invested in and would be giving up a lot by walking away. So, sometimes they need pushing, guiding, coaxing to wait it out until something changes or doesn't and then they can quit, but quit with no later regrets. It's a hard line to walk, for sure.

Another thing that may or may not have influenced him was that I told him of my intention to start up in the adult classes in March It may be more like April. My 1 year post-op is March 19th and I want to get checked out by my doctor before I start up. But, I do want to get back into class. A friend of mine in Canada who has her black belt said that in her school this is the age with the highest drop-out rate. Age 12-15 drop outs are huge, and a lot of them come back when they're 15 or 16, but the best predictor of keeping the kids in the school through those years is parental involvement. The parents who are in classes have kids who don't quit during those years. So, maybe my being there influenced him, too? I don't know. You'd think the opposite would happen, that he'd be humiliated by the idea of his MOM working out there and he'd want to flee for the hills. Who knows?

[ExCareerGal]

Great news! I am proud of him and of you! I have toyed with the idea of joining my kids in class too.
Janna