The Imperfect Community

kewlmom · Slightly Flawed Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Posts: 4

Never thought I'd feel this way, but I'm so frustrated.
Trying to get the kids to do the basics (brush teeth, eat breakfast, etc.). I've tried everything from reward charts to taking away privileges, you name it! Nothing is working.

I've done it over the years.
They are 9 and 12 years old now and should be catching on by mow.

It was all right when they were younger, but they know better now,

In general they are very good kids, well behaved and caring.

But when it comes to doing the basics they just don't do it.

It has come to the point that on Saturdays, I don't do the fun stuff we usually do together. Because I don't feel it's right to reward them for not doing what is expected of them.

But I don't like the current situation with not being able to do fun things with them. HALP!

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 9:44 pm Post subject:

I have an 8 y.o. and a 13 y.o. and well, I dunno...I remind them to brush their teeth but I don't check up on it, I assume they do it, and what's the deal with breakfast? If they don't eat breakfast then they're hungry?

These are ages way too old for rewards charts and the like. Why not just let it go? These are behaviors to be worried about with much younger kids. Maybe you need to back off instead of being so involved in it at this point?

kewlmom · Slightly Flawed Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Posts: 4

I sort of have backed off the past few weeks... letting my husband do the nagging for a change.

Problem is that if they don't eat breakfast, they can't pay attention well in school and their grades suffer. It's also not healthy.

If they don't brush their teeth ... Mom & Dad pay the $600 dentist bill for cavities.

No skin off their back, ya know. They could care less.

So do I continue to take away priviledges .. no TV, no games, no beach on the weekend, stay home and stare at the four walls?

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 3:26 pm Post subject:

I wouldn't. At this point, really, they need to be taking care of their own bodies without your intervention. I'd remind them to do the basics, but then I'd leave it up to them.

My kids don't eat breakfast. My son has to get up at 6 and leave for his bus before 7. It's dark when he leaves. He drinks a carnation instant milkshake or he takes a banana with him to eat while he waits for the bus (or not, I don't know what happens to that banana when it leaves the house).

My 8 y.o. drinks OJ and will sometimes have a banana or a waffle, but often, just the OJ does it. She has mid-morning snack at school.

I can't make them eat, and it isn't worth it to me in the morning. I can't control what they eat for lunch either. I pack lunches, and make suggestions that they eat the fruit and carrot sticks, but I'm not there, so I don't know what happens. I can make them eat their vegetables at dinner and control their snack foods.

Brushing teeth, well, we haven't had any cavaties here (knock on wood). We do have insurance, but they're the ones who have to have the shot and the drill. I think that's enough of a deterrent.

I wouldn't punish for those things though, that seems really age inappropriate.

julymom · Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 7:15 pm Post subject:

Well, I'm going to disagree with PP. They SHOULD be doing these things. Basic hygiene is a big deal IMO. And breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so they should be eating.
I agree charts are not age appropriate, but I think taking stuff away is. If they can't take care of themselves, then they can't have the things they love.
Did you make them do these things when they were young or did you let it slide? The reason I ask is that if you didn't, then it's kind of unfair to say "Well, you're 12 now, so you need to take care of brushing your teeth." My ds is 5, but we are very strict about brushing his teeth twice a day and he now does it automatically. I usually put the toothpaste on for him (because he makes a big mess) and if I get busy and forget, he'll remind me because we've already established that it's important and needs to happen every day.
If I were you, I'd treat them like little kids (walk them into the bathroom, put the toothpaste on the brush and sit in there while they brush) until they catch on and can prove to you that they can do this on their own.
I know a lot of adults who don't have good teeth because they didn't take care of them as children. Taking care of your teeth (insurance or not) is important.
Breakfast is a whole other thing, because there are ways around that, like breakfast drinks or bars, a piece of fruit or even a granola bar, but I would make sure they're eating something.

kewlmom · Slightly Flawed Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Posts: 4

Yes, this is something we've been working on since preschool (with my 9YO). I've established that routine with them, consistently. We've had our sit-downs about these things as well. They're good for a week or so, then fall back into the slacker routine.

I work full-time so I don't have time in the morning to babysit them at this age. They've had ample instruction and guideance over the years.

The drill isn't a deterrent for brushing ... They have one of those "kinder gentler dentists" so it's not like back in the old days where you were terrified of the dentist!!

Guess I had thought that them loosing their TV privileges, no beach time on Saturday, no video games, no more movie night, etc. All that is gone. You'd think it would sink in that I mean business.

Still .. this morning Ms. Thing is in her room doing who knows what and I'm in the car waiting. Sure enough .. same routine of her lagging behind. 12YO son is on school break and staying home with Dad who is off today so he was not an issue.

I feel hopeless.

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:27 pm Post subject:

mammaX3_MOD · Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:27 am Post subject:

kewlmom · Slightly Flawed Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Posts: 4

Thanks everyone for your input. It has helped to get some perspective.

I have backed off and am happier not dealing with the same issues day in and day out. Letting hubby take care of that.

Standing my ground on the other things ... they are not allowed to watch TV, their games have been taken away, and I get up and do my own thing on Saturday mornings (husband works that day) - they stay home at stare at the four walls.

They've been told that until they shape up, none of the privileges will be returned.

It's been three weeks and some minor improvement but still general disrespect for the house, our rules as parents and their own hygiene.

This is the pits, but I can't come up with any other way to get them to catch on! Grrr.

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 3:38 pm Post subject:

I don't know...if taking away all their fun isn't working, maybe you could beat them? Have you tried that? Give them a sound whipping with a belt or wooden spoon? If on the butt doesn't work, maybe try whacking their heads?

Honestly. What you're doing is serious overkill and if it isn't working, then why keep doing it? Kids are kids and some things are just the way the ages work. I could rip my hair out because my two year old gets food on herself when she eats--maybe take away all her toys and stop reading to her until she can eat neatly with her fork and spoon? Let her sit at home all day and stare at the four walls until she gets it? Or...I can realize that expecting that would be too much and lower the expectation to what's normal for that age. That's not to say you should stop reminding them or abandon the whole thing--they're kids, they need guidance and pushing, but what you're talking about is just ridiculous.

Good luck with it though, lol.

ExCareerGal · Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:26 pm Post subject:

Though my kids are younger, I get further with honey than vinegar. I usually do a combination. I reward good behavior and only give punishments that do not punish me. I love time with my family so family outings would never be on the punishment list.

So have a list of rewards. For each day they brush their teeth they get a little reward for the day and build up toward a bigger one for the weekend. Rewards need to be something that the child really wants for it to reinforce behavior. you can change the schedule of reinforcement to be intermittent eventually once personal hygiene becomes more of a habit. But for now make it immediate and you will have immediate results.

I also like giving rewards to my kids rather than punishments like you describe. The punishments are often that they lose a reward- not that I do anything bad to them. I have completely different reinforcers for each kid. They have different likes and values. By the way the rewards are not costly (dinner at McDonalds, an extra dessert, stay up 15 minutes late to play computers). they also get paid an allowance for their chores. If they do not do their chore and I do it, they pay me for my services. I have not been paid in months!

I hope this helps.

Janna