The Imperfect Community

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 12:48 pm Post subject: Need to ramble

My mom got her biopsy results yesterday and yes, it is lung cancer. We don't know whether it's the cancer from her pancreas that has spread or just a different cancer. But it is treated with radiation and not chemo, so she'll be doing both--the radiation for the lung cancer and the chemo for the pancreas/liver cancer.

They found this--6 cm--mass on her lung when they did the CT to see how the chemo was working on the pancreas and liver. She'd had a chest X-ray in March and that was clear. So, her doctor ordered another chest X-ray to compare them and this second one came back clear, too, which is scary, because that means that apparently chest X-rays are totally ineffective in detecting lung cancer!

Anyway, the oncologist who looked at her CT weeks ago said he was sure it was cancer, but wanted the biopsy to be sure. So, we had a head's up, we had warning that this was likely what it was.

But, I swear it's hit me almost as hard as her first diagnosis with the pancreas. I just feel like my heart has a two ton brick in it. It just feels so fucking heavy.

She's not doing well, either. The definitive diagnoses of the lung cancer has done a number on her mindset. She had decided when she first got the CT results that if it is cancer, she was going to continue with the recommended therapy for it and the pancreas/liver until Thanksgiving and then stop treatment. She's having a lot of pain, and fevers and chills in the evenings and some delirium from the cancer and the chemo and the morphine. It's typical and what's expected. But, she's having more hard days now.

So, Thanksgiving is the goal. A huge spotlight is on this holiday, a little less than 90 days away. When I visited in July, I had suggested that we just not have a formal Thanksgiving, that when we're all there, we could just have a celebration and enjoy each other's company and not worry about tradition. But, that's not what she wants....she wants my sister and me to make all the old family recipes and she wants it to be a very formal, traditional Thanksgiving. It's her last holiday, of course if that's what she wants, that's what we're going to do. I haven't mentioned anything to the contrary. But, I do feel like with this much emphasis put on this one holiday and everyone knowing it's going to be her LAST holiday, that it's like we've just about set a place at the table for the Grim Reaper. Nobody's going to talk about it, but the shadow of it is going to be enormous. And, with it being this way, every Thanksgiving for the rest of my life is going to be reminiscent of this one, this last time I'll see my mother. Maybe I will get to the point where I'll appreciate this, where making all the old recipes and having the familiar settings will bring me comfort when I think about this, but right now, it's just too fucking sad. I'm trying to work through it all now, so I'm not just bawling during the whole trip, because it all just feels so sharp, you know?

The thing is, I hope that she can make it. Nobody can tell whether Thanksgiving is even a realistic goal at this point. And if it is, and she does hold out until then and then stops the medication, it will be a matter of weeks. So, I am looking at a very hard holiday season regardless. Maybe she'll live to Thanksgiving and if she does, she won't likely live to Christmas. A whole new spin on the whole thing, huh?

becky2005 · Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 6:03 pm Post subject:

PP...I can't think of anything to say other than this whole thing sucks and send you and your family some hugs.

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

PP- I am sorry that she is now dealing with another form of cancer. Even if you have McDonalds on Thanksgiving, you will still be thinking that it may be the last Thanksgiving you will spend with your mom. You might as well make things the way she wants them, then at least you will know that you were able to do something that she wanted you do do, KWIM?

I spent last Thanksgiving in a hospital room with my mom and she died 2 weeks later. It was so hard to get through the holidays when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. But we all sucked it up and put on a happy face on Christmas, for the kids. My dad was so out of it that he went to IKEA and bought everyone salad spinners and white paper napkins for Christmas gifts. It was so surreal.

Anyway, what I am saying is that the holidays are most likely going to SUCK if your mom is in bad shape or of she doesn't make it that long. I know exactly what that feels like and feel free to vent here about it or PM me if you want to talk. Not to be morbid but I started preparing for Christmas early last year (bought and wrapped all kids stuff in early Nov) because I didnt want to have to deal with that shit if I was an emotional wreck. I guess that sometimes being prepared for the worst is a way of coming to grips with the inevitable, you know?

ExCareerGal · Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:00 pm Post subject:

I cannot imagine . . . though I guess it is going to happen to us all. I am so sorry . . .
Janna

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 8:21 am Post subject:

Yeah, you are so right, Annie. I should get my shit together and shop early. I hadn't thought of that. I am sooo not an early Christmas prep person, but yeah, that makes a lot of sense looking at the time frame we're dealing with.

I still have no idea what my dad's plans are. I guess he doesn't either. When I was there, I brought it up in an indirect way in the car once. We were on the topic of my mom and her prognosis and then I said, "And dad, people keep asking me what you're going to do...after..." and he didn't say anything, just kept looking ahead, driving, so I added, "And I tell them I don't know what you're going to do." And he didn't say anything, he just kept looking ahead, driving. Then after a little while he adjusted the a/c and asked if I was cold enough. So, that topic had been gone over! angry7

I am guessing he just doesn't even know and isn't even thinking about it. I'm guessing he doesn't want to busy his mind with pondering the technicalities of what will happen after, when there's so much to be concerned about while she's still here. And I can understand that, and respect that, but, they live really far away, so it would be good to have just some basic plan, you know? But, I'm leaving that up to him to bring up. Maybe when I'm there at Thanksgiving, if I have a chance alone with him again, I might try to bring it up again in a roundabout way. Maybe he's just waiting until really close to the end.

It does just suck ass. It is the worst thing. It is so hard. Physically so hard. Thursday and yesterday, I just felt so physically weak, and last night I just couldn't focus on anything. It's just surprising to me how it just literally drains you, like you yourself have some illness.

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

My dad has not even decided what he is going to do really. We really want him to move here to Ohio since my brother, sister and I are all here as well as our entire extended family. I think he will do that eventually but it's just too many changes in a short timespan for him to think of now. He's going to do some traveling and has been keeping himself really busy with his hobbies but I guess he will have to get good and lonely in his house in Chicago before he decides to put it on the market and move here.

You might just want to let your dad know that you will be there for him whatever he decides to do in the upcoming months. He probably does have too much to think about now to even being planning for life without your mom. And might be in some denial too, I know that even towards the end with my mom when she was clearly not going to recover, my dad was still holding out hope.

I will be thinking of your family. Keep us posted on things.

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 11:19 am Post subject:

Yeah, there's definately some denial going on with him. He seems to think that if he keeps planning things in the future that she'll be there for them. She has said she's stopping treatment after Thanksgiving though, so the last time he did this--mentioned us all getting together in the spring again, she was just quiet. He went on and on about it, and she just didn't say a word.

mammaX3_MOD · Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 5:36 pm Post subject:

So sorry to hear about all of this. I don't want to even pretend I know what you're going through right now. I just hope you and your family find a way to cope with this the best and most comfortable way possible.
As for the holidays, I believe they would be difficult no matter when or how someone has passed. My single-dad friend had a hard time with the holidays after his wife died in the summer 3 years ago. At Christams time, he hid his camp trailer to "wrap his kids' presents" but I'm sure he got some much-needed alone time in there...

Jessica · Posted: Sat Sep 01, 2007 8:23 pm Post subject:

I am also very sorry to hear the unfavorable news of your mother's health. Cancer is so evil.

mommy2three · Imperfect Parent Joined: 20 Dec 2002 Posts: 1674

PP so sorry to see this post; very rough journey you are on, celebrations are the hardest and yet in some ways after they become sweet.