The Imperfect Community

momtofour · Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 5:50 pm Post subject: What to do when DD is clueless

My DD is blonde. I can thank DH for that, and probably my birthfather as well. She's not just blonde, she's BLONDE in every stereotypical sense of the word. Plus, she probably has ADD, although why it hasn't been diagnosed by anyone is beyond me. She got DH's dancing gene as well, which is defective, unless you consider jumping around like your pants are on fire as dancing (think Elaine from Seinfeld).

What does this have to do with anything? She has no friends at school, although there are many girls who are friendly towards her without including her in out-of-school activities. Yet, she was invited to the class party (private, off school grounds). I was thinking that this was a great sign until I saw that she was harassed at the door by the girls who told her that she wasn't welcome. The moms of those girls overruled and invited her in. I dropped off the younglings with grandpa so I could be there as chaperone and turned around and went back to the party.

I got there after dinner had been served, but before the dance contest. And I witnessed first hand what she must go through every day at school. I was told by one of the hosts that she was sitting by herself until they moved her to the girls' table. Then, when the dance contest was announced, DD got it in her head that she was going to enter. None of the other girls would let her join them to plan a routine, so DD announced that she would dance by herself. Did I mention she can't dance? It was painful to watch, especially when I saw so-called upstanding Christians pointing and laughing. These are girls who (until today) were on DD's birthday invitation list.

Throughout it all, DD was irrepressably cheerful and totally clueless that her classmates were making fun of her. And she couldn't understand why she didn't win.

I'm angry for her, but I don't want to fight her battles. With her being so totally clueless, she doesn't even know that she *should* be angry. And with her birthday coming up in 3 weeks, I'm at a loss as to whether I should invite any of these girls anywhere. There's a big difference between coming to a party for a friend and going to a party because it's free eats and treats. I think these girls fall in the latter category.

What would you do?

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 8:06 pm Post subject:

Personally, I wouldn't let those bitches anywhere near my kid on a voluntary basis. What they did is absolutely shitty. So the kid can't dance, who cares? I'm sorry your daughter is suffering from unpopularity, but really, I'd avise you to sympathize with her and advocate for her rather than calling her a dumb blond and flippantly talking about how she might have ADHD.

Actually, my mom talked about me the way you're talking about your daughter. She told a friend of mine that I was "scatterbrained" when I was in 6th grade. That was a hoot. Whether it was true or not, it didn't matter, if you can't count on your family to stick up for you, then who will?

momtofour · Posted: Wed Jun 07, 2006 8:17 pm Post subject:

Gee, it's a good thing I'm imperfect or I might be insulted.

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

How old is your daughter? Is this a new school or situation where she doesnt have any friends yet?

That is really sad, it would break my heart to see my kid treated like that. Crying or Very sad

I would under no circumstances invite those girls to her party. Since she is having some social difficulties now I might make it a year for a "family party" and do something fun with loved ones that care about her instead of snarky girls.

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 6:49 am Post subject:

Jessica · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 7:17 am Post subject:

Momtofour, how awful. It sounds like your daughter has some maturity issues and that's one thing that you can't just fix, it's something that life and experience changes.

Does she have any hobbies? What I've noticed is that if you get kids involved in group who are like-minded (like Holden with those Yi-Gi-Oh tournaments), they can find a sympatico amongst others.

My bet is that she is not as clueless as you might think, that she is holding her shame inside and perhaps is in denial. I think there needs to be a balance between her figuring out and maturing at her own pace and your responsibility to "protect" her. You need to be her advocate.

Just out of curiosity, have you ever had her seriously evaluated for ADHD? (I know you metioned it in jest, but have you seriously considered it?) One of the common signs is blissful, social unawareness. I'm not saying that she has it, but if she demonstrates that behavior a lot, it's something to consider...

momtofour · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 8:35 am Post subject:

DD will be 11 in three weeks. She has gone to school with most of these girls since kindergarden. She marches to her own drummer, though and never connected with anyone. The gap grew wider and wider as she got older, as other girls shared interests in sports and other extracurricular activities. DD was only interested in reading.

Yes, I'm being flippant about her being blonde in the comical sense. Humor is my way of coping, but I don't joke about her being ADD - and that's not ADHD but A D D. She can't concentrate on anything for more than a couple of minutes. She has difficulty with tests that involve analytical thinking because she can't think about anything long enough to analyze it. She doesn't pay attention to what goes on around her and has difficulty sustaining a conversation. She loses nearly everything she's responsible for and forgets to turn in homework to the extent that it affects her grades. Her socialization skills are lacking because of all of the above. I see these things - why don't her teachers? Without an evaluation from a teacher, we can't get a referral to a social worker.

It does break my heart to see what she is subjected to. What could I do differently? Is this somehow my fault? Horrible, imperfect parent that I am... how did I turn her into this? My other (younger) DD is popular and independent; she excels at everything she does, in every way different from her sister.

Anthromomma · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 9:25 am Post subject:

I would seriously advise you to stop worrying about your daughter's popularity. Aside from her other potential/possible problems, being a little socially clueless as a preteen girl is not the worst thing in the world. I was, and in retrospect, I think that it insulated me from a lot of the cruel things that were going on in my peer group.

Jessica's suggestion to get her involved in something she's interested in is a good one-- a good way for her to feel 'normal' and maybe find some friends.

As far as inviting those girls to her birthday party, shouldn't that be up to her? What does she think about it?

Erika

MedeaNJ · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 10:28 am Post subject:

Agreed with our distinguished posters. Do not invite those snarky girls to the party. If your DD protests, sit her down and have a gentle talk as to why she wants to invite them. If there are a couple of girls even though they are civil to her but not very close, maybe. Remember it could be an image issue on their part that if the civil girl comes to your DDs party, word could (or more likely will) get out on the snarks, as I like to call them, and the tables can turn on them. I highly recommend the book Queen Bees & Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman.

DD might be putting up a front. Then again she is might be very much aware of how she feels, how she is being treated, and where she stands in the pecking order in girl circles. I was exactly like your DD, only back then I was labeled as a problem kid, not a kid with possible ADD/ADHD as there was no diagnosis at the time.

Jessica brought up the theory of a possible maturity issue. I am no psychologist but one thing was pointed out to me when I was late in my teens, which helped enormously in my later years. Even today, I would say that my 'maturity age' is about 2 years behind my actual age... I do not know the age of your DD, but for the sake of argument, let's just say she is about 10. Subtract the maturity level by 2 and your DDs base age in the eyes of her peers is 8. That is a huge difference! She may be looked upon as a 'little girl' or even a baby. I am 38, subtract by 2, I am in my peers' eyes 36. 38/36, no big deal. 10/8, big deal.

If you suspect that your DD might have ADD, get it evaluated. You may be able to do it through your school system. Or you may do it privately through a pediatrician's recommendation (my personal preference). I have toddler twins so I am not up to date on the Child Study Team situation these days, in addition I have had some VERY bad expereinces with them growing up; So admittedly I am biased in this area.

There are two stand-out positive things about ADD kids. One, they are incredibly bright. Two, they are incredibly creative. OK, so your daughter may not have the Ginger Rogers feet. Neither do I, but I still want to get out on the dance floor, and yes, I look like a total doofus. Have you considered letting her take dance lessons? We are not talking about ballet, rather Jazz or Modern, or some other improvisational method? If not dance, then perhaps some other creative activity (Art, singing/choir, theatre, musical instrument)? I find that kids in general who are creative or come from a creative background have a tendency to look at people from the inside. This is a group that your DD might fare well.

I say good for DD, for getting up and entering the contest, despite the snickers and the giggles. wav

The fact that in her own way she stood up to those girls who attempted to push her out of an activity (and put her in her place) showed some real courage. She might have been upset that she lost the contest, but she needs to constantly know that one has already won in some respects by simply participating or playing the game.

In the end, it is not about popularity, it is simply making sure your DD is happy and content in being herself.

Sewingsiren · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 11:24 am Post subject:

M24, Your daughter sounds really charming. Be thankful that she didn't realize (or care?) they were making fun of her. As far as inviting the girls in question to her party. I wouldn't invite them at all, have a family party like one of the PP suggested.

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

Mom2Four- Does your daughter go to public school? If so, you should be able to request an evaluation as a parent. They would at least give you and her teacher checklists to fill out, then evaluate those to decide if further testing is warranted. It's not always the teachers that request these things, a lot of times it is parent-driven.

If the school does not cooperate for whatever reason, you can also get an eval by a pediatrician or specialist in ADHD.

I think it's ok to worry about popularity in the sense that you just want your kid to have some friends. Any friends as long as they are nice kids. I dont care if my kids are in the "in crowd" or whatever, but I don't want them to be excluded and lonely.

MedeaNJ · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 12:17 pm Post subject:

[quote="DietCokeHead"] I think it's ok to worry about popularity in the sense that you just want your kid to have some friends. Any friends as long as they are nice kids. I dont care if my kids are in the "in crowd" or whatever, but I don't want them to be excluded and lonely.[/quote]

Good point. The though of a need for friends did cross my mind...after I posted... Embarassed

Anthromomma · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 12:34 pm Post subject:

DCH, you're totally right about this:

ExCareerGal · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 5:50 pm Post subject:

[quote="momtofour"]Yes, I'm being flippant about her being blonde in the comical sense. Humor is my way of coping, but I don't joke about her being ADD - and that's not ADHD but A D D. She can't concentrate on anything for more than a couple of minutes. She has difficulty with tests that involve analytical thinking because she can't think about anything long enough to analyze it. She doesn't pay attention to what goes on around her and has difficulty sustaining a conversation. She loses nearly everything she's responsible for and forgets to turn in homework to the extent that it affects her grades. Her socialization skills are lacking because of all of the above. I see these things - why don't her teachers? Without an evaluation from a teacher, we can't get a referral to a social worker.

[/quote]

By law (IDEA) the referral can be made by a parent. You do not need a social worker for a referral. The only problem is that the evaluation usually completed is filled out by the parent and teacher. If the syptoms are not in both settings then it is not considered ADD.

My heart does break for you - though you were being humorous in you original post I could hear your worries and fears. If you can love her for who she is and support her, I promise you, she will turn out fine. Make sure to find out her gifts, for her sake and yours. Then you will see her "deficits" are really inconsequential in the long run.

Good luck!
Janna

Jessica · Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 7:32 pm Post subject:

Unfortunately, most people think kids with ADD/ADHD are plain weird and they are unfairly judgemental of their parents. It's the sad reality.

I'll shoot you a PM. I've been there. I know what you're going through.