The Imperfect Community

[hezmo]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to the board and I need to vent. I'm a stay-at-home mom, mostly--I work three mornings a week teaching Music Together; the rest of the time I am at home with my four-year-old daughter (who attends preschool five mornings a week) and my two-year-old son (who attends preschool two mornings a week while I'm teaching--the third morning, his father takes flextime to watch him).

I'm chasing the illusion of a perfect day.

By a perfect day I mean a day on which I'm a perfect parent, not a parent of perfect children. I don't expect perfection of them. Here's what being a perfect parent means to me:

Allowing my children to watch only the AAP-approved two hours or less of quality children's programming per day.

Cooking two healthful, nutritious meals per day.

Getting the kids to preschool on time (and then getting to my classes on time).

Planning at least one brain-stimulating activity for each child each afternoon.

Reading to each child a half an hour per day.

Making sure, on a weekly basis, that I get the three cans of stinky trash and the recycling out in time for the township to pick them up.

Making sure, on a weekly basis, that the bills are paid and nothing bounces.

Making sure the refrigerator and pantry are stocked with the ingredients I need to cook the aforementioned healthy meals.

Achieving daily reasonable standards of personal hygiene including shower and minimum of two toothbrushings, and not necessarily including blow-dry or leg-shaving.

Achieving clean dishes, if not a reasonably clean house, by the time my late-working husband rolls in at 9 p.m.

Mustering enthusiasm for sex with husband at least two of those nights per week (two out of seven doesn't actually garner me perfect-wife status around these parts, but it's generally all I can manage).

Letting the house go to h*ll in a handbasket while I play with a little girl who requires constant social stimulation and hates playing by herself; not resenting said little girl for the abysmal condition of my house.

Accomplishing all of the above without once losing my temper at anyone or locking myself in the bathroom to sob quietly.

I have to be honest. I almost never have a day which looks like this. If you knew how much television I let my children watch, you would revile me. It seems to be the only way I can get everything else on the list done without losing my temper. I'm feeling desperate, and I'd watch Desperate Housewives to see what the fuss is about, but the fact is that the TV around here blares PBS and Nick Jr. and Noggin and NOTHING else, EVER. By the time I rassle the kids into bed singlehandedly at 8:30 p.m. the only electronically produced sound I'm in the mood for is my white noise machine. I put it on, meditate for ten minutes, scrape the bananas off the high chair mat with my fingernails, spend a half hour prepping for the next day's classes, turn a blind eye towards the mess, crawl in between the sheets, and pray that nobody's "in the mood" that night because even my husband's utter charm is no match for my sheer exhaustion.

What am I doing wrong? I only have two kids and a teeny little job. What fatal error am I making?

You'd think that with a husband who's never home till 9 p.m. I'd have enough money to hire domestic help. Nope. I guess the forty-hour workweek is simply a thing of the past. He works fifty, sixty hours just to keep a mid-level position as a software engineer, a job he's lucky to have because half the workers in his company have been laid off in the last five years. When he's not working, he's taking two night courses a week so his skill set doesn't become obsolete, just in case his job becomes the latest to be shipped overseas to some nice, equally hardworking Indian guy.

Maybe I should downscale my expectations. How about one or two perfect events per day? Or perhaps one or two perfect days per week?

Can anyone relate?

[honeybee]

I don't mean to laugh at you, but I am LMAO at your post!!!

I love ya already and I think you've come to the right place!

[hezmo]

Thanks so much for the welcome! If I can make somebody laugh it almost makes it all worthwhile...

BTW: While I was typing that post, my son made dinner-plate sized scribblings all over his yellow walls with a red crayon. My daughter swears that she did not participate, but the crude princess drawing with googly eyes, unileg, and teeth as big and pointy as the princess's crown (Princess of the Damned, perhaps?) gives her the lie.

I find a paste of baking soda and warm water applied vigorously with a scrubbing brush almost as effective and less smelly than WD-40, don't you?

[honeybee]

I find a paste of baking soda and warm water applied vigorously with a scrubbing brush almost as effective and less smelly than WD-40, don't you?

Hell no!! Woman, get yourself a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser immediately!!

[prescott]

Welcome, hezmo!

Your description of home life sounds vaguely familiar...

[DietCokeHead]

f you knew how much television I let my children watch, you would revile me.

I think you are my new best friend! My kids watch a lot of tv.

Welcome!! And good luck with that perfect day thing.... lemme know if it ever works out for ya.

[Rebecca_R]

Can anyone relate?

Uh yea!

My house is a disaster right now. I'm not stressing, even though my parents are coming for the weekend which means tonight after I finish MORE homework (I woke up at 6 am to get my kids to daycare/preschool to be at the library by 8am) I'll be vacuuming and doing the dishes. My husband is also working, he has the luxury of working from home, but he cannot help clean tonight because he will be on the phone through 1am with "server changes" whatever those are?!

My 4 year old son just knocked over a basket of folded laundry off my bed while I was typing this message. It was an accident, but the funny thing, I started this message kind of calm, and now I'm actually kind of pissed. Let me go refold my laundry. :arrow:

[TheBean]

Mustering enthusiasm for sex with husband at least two of those nights per week (two out of seven doesn't actually garner me perfect-wife status around these parts, but it's generally all I can manage).


HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

[DietCokeHead]

Two nights a week? Wow! Don't tell my dh that some people get it that often, LOL! He's learned to get by with bi-weekly servicing.

[hezmo]

which Woody Allen movie, is it Manhattan or Annie Hall? The scene where they're cutting back and forth between the man and the woman at their respective therapists' office and the guy is like "Sex? Hardly ever! Twice a week, tops" and the woman is answering, to the same question, "Oh, god, he wants it ALL THE TIME! Like twice a week..."

I have this male friend from college who is the funniest person I know. Several months ago I was confiding in him about a really long dry spell that my husband and I were going through and I said something about all these mag articles I kept reading about how 2-3x a week was the norm for people age 21 to 38 or whatever. He has three preschool age children himself and he had the funniest take on it. He just said, "Yeah, well suppose Bill Gates goes into a homeless shelter. At that moment, you could, in truth, say that the average personal wealth in that building is something like several million dollars per person... see, here's the thing... it's all those wild unmarried cohabitating people with no children that are driving the numbers up! Why don't those articles get real and inform the reading public that married couples with small children have absolutely no sex, EVER? Why don't they tell us that???"

LOL!

--Heather

[hezmo]

& BTW Melissa, those Magic Erasers?

I just tried them out and they are just fabbo. They're unreal. The only problem is that I can't decide whether they're a borderline OCD sufferer's wet dream or worst nightmare. I started with the crayon and then began to buff ancient scuff marks off my baseboards... PB and J smears off the walls... unsightly stains off my cat...

Is it possible to become addicted to a cleaning product?

I'm worried about myself.

--Heather

[honeybee]

LOL, Heather, yep. The first time I used one I went around the house cleaning everything in sight. Then I still had one left in the box and was having cold sweats so I went to my mother in laws house and cleaned her stuff. lol

[Scout]

Lol! I think we can all relate to pretty much all of what you said. I think your expectations are pretty high, actually, which is admirable. But really, if aiming for even some small measure of perfection is making you crazy, it can't be a good thing. I find that trying not to plan anything during the time we're at home works best. And we do end up reading together, playing games, chatting about the cartoon that's on or what happened at preschool. And then since they have gotten some time with me, they will gradually drift off to entertain themselves and each other, and I can get things done. Ok well, mostly I sit on the couch and read, but if I wanted to get something done, that would be the time. My main chore is cooking. But then, my dh is home around 6:00, in time to do the laundry and most of the dishes. 9:00 would be really tough.