The Imperfect Community

TheBean

I'm not trying to conceive yet. Shocked

But could use some support/advice.

So, Anna is already asking when I might have another baby growing in me. Which really makes me sad - as I'm not sure that will ever be possible at the rate I am healing.

But DH and I have been talking in generalities and such. For years I have wanted to do foster care - and we actually did respite foster care for a little boy - which didn't go too hot as DH was home with him all day and well, to be frank....it just didn't work.

So we are talking about foster care again and adopting through foster care . And I have mixed feelings about it. as you can imagine I am incredibely concerned with how such an arrangement might work out, as the majority of kids in foster care have issues to contend with...and I am concerned with how introducing a child with special attention/discipline or therapy related needs (albiet they may be temporary) may impact Anna and her childhood.

I have concerns about Anna's safety and well being -which I think could be addressed through a screening process????? And then I have concerns with Anna adjusting to such an arrangement. She seems too young to ask for "input" on this type of thing - but at the same time it would rock her world so to speak.

But, we did our exchange student for a year and that was an incredibly wonderful experience for our family. Anna adored having an older sister. So I wonder - would foster care be that different from that situation. And I think - well yea you dork! Our exchange student was a 17 year old well adjusted gal that WANTED to come live with us and experience life as a family with us. She didn't really have any emotional issues.

I just perceive the foster care/adoption sitution differently. DH and I were again, just talking about it - and we first thought an older girl or older siblings would be a good fit because then Anna could still be doted on as she is accustomed. Confused

But then I thought a younger child would be better so Anna would be the big sister, as if we had a child of our own naturally.

I'm babbling I know. But, as I said, I have wanted to do foster care a long time and DH just wasn't interested due to our last experience. now that we have lost the baby - he has expressed a desire for Anna to have a sibling, and us to have other kids in the house.

I'de appreciate any comments or insight anyone here has.

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

Eileen,

I don't really know much about foster care but from what I know about you here, it seems like you would have a lot of love to offer a foster child if you decide to do that.

If you do want to try and conceive again, I highy recommend Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. It is great info for any woman to have and has been very valuable to me in conceiving all 3 of my pregnancies.

I feel the same way about wanting another baby/child. I don't think I will stop grieving for this baby until I am pregnant again. Maybe then I wont even be able to stop, but it might help. I am feeling like my period is coming any minute though, so this cycle is probably out. Evil or Very Mad

kathyjm

Hi Eileen...

I think it's awesome of you to even consider foster care. It's takes a very special person to do that!

I think you're on the right track to make sure you would want a child that wouldn't pose any safety issues for you or Anna (violent history directly from the child).

However, if you have a foster child who is challenged in other areas and just needs a little extra love and behavioral therapy, i can see that as turning into a wonderful experience for Anna. Regarding my own daughter and her challenges, I have seen many positive changes with my other children. They are much more tolerant and compassionate little humans than they used to be. They are very accepting of all kids (even the ones who are the 'black sheep' at school). When the going has gotten tough here, two things have happened, we become a stronger family unit AND we are brought a little closer to God and our faith. All good things in my opinion.

Good luck with whatever decision you make. My sister adopted a baby from birth...it's been a wonderful experience for her.

honeybee · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 20 Dec 2002 Posts: 3163

I had a very strong urge to do foster care when dh and I were first married. At the time it was awful timing-- I was in college and working full time. And now, I couldn't do it with my boys being so little. But I think in the future I may look into it more. My best friend was in foster care from age 5. She was shuffled through many homes before landing in a stable one that kept her until she graduated from high school. The stories she has told me of some of her early homes... Crying or Very sad

...if I could keep any child from experiencing that, I would do so in a heartbeat. I think *good* foster parents are like a needle in a haystack, and you could be doing a miraculous thing for another child. But your concerns about Anna are very justified. As much as I would want to do foster care, my boys still come first and I don't think it would be in their best interest right now-- and their safety and well being is my primary responsibility.

Would you consider doing an international adoption?

I would love to adopt a little girl from Asia. It's always been a dream of mine. If dh and I were rich I'd just fill our house up will little ones from all over. Smile

TheBean

Jessica

TheBean

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

My sister did 3 international adoptions! Talk about paying lots of $$! They had infertility issues though. And, they got big-ass tax rebates or refunds or whatever you call them for their international adoptions too, so some of that money came back to them in the end. Not anything close to all of it though!

Jessica

honeybee · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 20 Dec 2002 Posts: 3163

Get Bob to get a job at Home Depot. They will pay for 50% of the adoption costs. Wink

They also match any charity donations by 100%.

It's a great company!

TheBean

[quote="Jessica
Eileen, I am in no way judging you for not wanting to adopt. It is very expensive and I think it's great that you try to live w/o debt. I was just offering my perspective. No one should be guilted into anything, so I hope I didn't come off that way.[/quote]

Oh, I didn't perceive it that way at all. I admire those that decide to go the international adoption route. I have a work acquantance that has adopted 2 girls from Russia. it is a LONG process - fraught with anxiety and waiting...on top of the monetary issues.

I just think it is sad though, that there are so many children that are homeless - but to get them INTo a home - well it costs so much. I imagine there are probably grants or something for those that don't have the money.
But still...it is just sad.

Scout

Depending on where you are, the qualifications for a "special needs" child can be quite loose. Here there is a program called "SNAP" that is an accelerated adoption process for kids with a lower likelihood of being adopted. This can be because of race (even sometimes hispanic children or bi-racial), age, or sibling status. And my understanding is that the state not only pays for it, they also provide the child with healthcare for life.

Reading White Oleander totally made me want to take in foster kids. Crying or Very sad

I worked with a teacher who fostered a little boy from 2 yo and later adopted him, and it has gone very well for them.

Also, my oldest friend from hs was having trouble ttc #2 and had always wanted to do foreign adoption. In the process of getting her homestudy done, I asked her if she had ever considered domestic adoption, and she said they really wanted an infant and she'd heard the horror stories of long waits and disappointments. But she mentioned our conversation to the sw, who told her that in fact she had a 17 yo looking for a family to adopt the baby girl she was pregnant with. The mother was white and the father was half black. One family declined to adopt her for that reason. Rolling Eyes

Anyway, my friend did adopt her. They were there for the birth, roomed in with the mother and everything! She just turned 3. And ironically, she has blond hair and blue eyes. Those other people would feel pretty stupid if they saw the beautiful little girl they rejected.

Princesso

We have pretty much decided to adopt as well and are completely floored by how expensive it is. We need a bigger house though before we do it because my kids are already sharing a room as it is. I'd like to do international adoption because there is a slight chance with domestic that they will change their mind and come back for the baby. Internationally, that isn't really a risk. They both cost about the same. We will probably do foster adopt though, because our county pays all adoption costs. I do worry about getting a child with a ton of problems though, because I want an adoption to enhance our family, and not cause a lot of problems for the children we already have. I have a student in my class though that was an infant foster adopt and he is a real sweetie Smile

I've had more than a few children in my class I wish I could rescue!