The Imperfect Community

[Anthromomma]

This girl has become the bane of my existence. I feel kind of bad for her-- her family is a total train wreck and because of this, she's living with her grandmother, my neighbor. The kids are so excited about having a friend that lives nearby (most of the kids on our block are preteens), but ugh. Ugggghhh.

Almost every afternoon she's at our back gate, asking to come play. Which would be fine, except for the fact that the kids are in the back yard in the late afternoon so they're out of my hair while I cook dinner-- I can see the whole backyard from the kitchen, so they're not out there unsupervised, but this kid needs SuperVision. I feel mean sending her home every day, so I'll take dinner prep outside on the patio and let her stay sometimes-- but it always turns out poorly. (oh, and plus, if I say that we're too busy to play, it's guaranteed that she'll come back at least two or three more times that day).

We've got a pretty good setup in the back yard and just two rules: (1) sand stays in the sandbox, and (2) stay out of the side yard-- that's where my container garden, the gate and the hose are. Every time she's here-- and she's S's age, by the way, nearly five-- it's a fight to keep from having sand all over the yard. She will take every single toy out of the storage box within five minutes of being here and then not play with any of them, she sneaks-- she's snuck into the storage shed before, into the side yard to turn the water hose on, into the house-- I've found in her in the laundry room before, just standing there. Yesterday, the three of them were playing hide and seek, and instead of looking for S and A, she ran into the side yard and started picking green tomatoes off my plants.

I don't quite get why the kids like having her over, either. She is very aggressive and rough: grabbing, hitting, throwing things (like, at them). Not because she's angry, either- that's just how she knows how to play. My kids aren't used to that and don't like it at all, but yet they are always excited to see her. We've been working with S and A to get them to resolve conflicts between themselves instead of tattling at every opportunity, and this is NOT helping.

I've tried talking to the grandmother about her being over here all the time, and I've just gotten a vague "Well, if it's not a good time, you can just tell her to go home," with no reduction in the frequency of visits. I don't know how to broach the behavior issues, or if I should even try. And playing is never reciprocal, either, because my neighbors have an unfenced pool in their backyard and I frankly don't trust that there's an appropriate level of supervision. And this is just petty, but the poor girl has a really kre8tiv name that is barely pronounceable and it drives me batty to have to say it.



Edited to add: obviously, this is just the highlight reel, but if this girl actually sounds normal and I'm just being a bitch about this, please feel free to berate me accordingly.

[ExCareerGal]

I do not think you are being bitchy. I have a somewhat similar situation. sSorry but I have not come up with any good solutions but I wanted you to know you are not alone!
Janna

[Petulant Pixie]

What sucks is at this age "friendships" are formed by proximity rather than common interests, so good kids will often put up with a lot of shit from bad kids just so they have SOMEONE to call a "friend".

We had a neighborhood nightmare a few years ago. Bad girls down the block (totally unsupervised, no boundaries, no rules, and just plain MEAN) and they liked to play with Katie. Katie totally broke all the rules applied to her when she played with these kids which really, really frustrated me more than anything, because I really was afraid these girls would do dangerous things and they kept luring Katie away from the house. So, for ME, I was able to blame it on Katie when I restricted their play. I told them that Katie did not follow the rules when she played with them, so she was not allowed to play for a while (unspecified amount of time). I called the girls' mother and told her the same thing and asked that she stop allowing the girls to come to our house because I felt it was cruel that I had to keep reminding her that she wasn't allowed to play with them whenever they came by. I increased playdates with other kids, trips to places, kept busy for a good long while until she--and they--got in the habit of not playing with each other.

Of course then the following year, there was the infamous duck incident--mother duck laid eggs in a bush in our front yard and these girls threatened to smash the eggs. One said she was going to run over them with her bike, the other said she wanted to throw them at a tree. The older girl actually sat in the street waiting for Katie (who was hysterical, screaming and crying and red and hyperventillating) to leave the yard (to get me) and then she was going to run in and get the eggs. Poor Katie stood in our front yard screaming like someone was chopping her head off until we rant out to see what the trouble was. The girl insisted it was her legal right to sit in the street in front of our house (she was 7 at the time).

I had to call the mother to get her kids, and she was all huffy about how her children would never hurt a living thing. Whatever. In the end (which I think is the epitome of irony), it is obvious that the girls have been instructed by their parents to stay away from us--like we're the problem, yeah, not their kids who want to smash duck eggs. I know this because whenever I see the girls (which is frequent, they live three houses down and go to Katie's school), the physically recoil from me like I'm going to put them in an oven and eat them. Which of course brings out the bad in me, so like at say, the Scholastic book fair, when I was volunteering and I saw the older girl there, I was very friendly walking around the book stands with her asking her what kind of books she likes, while she was bug-eyed and silent, totally afraid to say anything to me.

So....if it were me, I'd find a way to stop the play immediately. Our life has been so much better since those girls don't play with Katie anymore. After the duck incident, she's never asked to play with them, either, she was so traumatized by the idea that anyone could be so cruel. But, just find a way to stop it now.

[DietCokeHead]

I wanna know what the kre8tiv name is!

[becky2005]

me too! Is it a word spelled backwards? I heard that's become really popular.

Ug. This whole scenario makes me dread when Michael and Katie will grow up and have friends. I don't think I'll be good at dealing with OPK.

[Scout]

I will not hesitate to let kids know that their behavior at my house must comply with my rules, or they will not be able to come over. The next time she comes, I'd say "Well, Shanaynay, here's the deal. The reason I always tell you it's not a good time is because you won't follow the rules while you're here. If I let you come play, I need you to do X, Y, and z. I'm willing to give you another chance, but if you break my rules I can't have you at my house, and I'll have to ask you to leave and not come back. Is that a deal?" Then I'd ask her to repeat the rules back to me. I am totally serious!

[Petulant Pixie]

I'd do that, too, Scout, except for the fear of a neighborhood coup. Ugh. The thing is, you LIVE there next to these people forever, and I took the wuss direction basically because I didn't want a reputation on our block for being a bitch that wouldn't let these little kids over to play. For some reason, in my life, that's the pattern, lol, so I thought I'd try to wise up and sneak around it. Then the duck thing happened, and we're the bad guys anyway. So, I guess it didn't matter,

But, yeah, Anthro, the direct approach is definately available, if you don't have a problem with enforcing it. At THIS point in my life, that's actually what I would do, since I just don't care what anyone thinks anymore.

[Jessica]

You've had some good advice here.

Personally, I would rather nip it in the bud, rather than be a prisoner to this child, which is sounds like you're on the verge of becoming.

This child sounds like a bully and that she runs around without boundaries. I would explain to your children why her behavior is inappropriate and that just because she lives next door, doesn't mean that she is a good influence.

I like Scout's recommendation. I would totally go with that.

[Anthromomma]

Neighborhood coup is exactly what I'm afraid of. Our neighborhood is a mostly a mixture of grad students/med students/residents, young families, and older (retirement age) blue collar, the ones who have lived here forever. From one side of my house to the end of the block is this little enclave of the latter and they're all good friends-- barbecues at each other's houses, know each other's business, etc. I'm afraid if I piss the grandma off, I'll piss off the whole end of the street. We'll probably be here only for another year, but we're planning to keep this place as a rental so I don't want the neighbors to hate us.

Gah. I already feel held hostage by the situation. I've started walking around the block when we go to the park, keeping the kids in the house in the afternoons, spending extra time out of the house. The main selling point of this house for us was the yard (the house itself is pretty much a crackerjack box) and we're barely using it anymore. I'm supposed to be working at home this summer-- writing my thesis proposal, studying for the GRE, getting my ducks in a row for grad school-- and I've gotten nothing done so far. I can't push it off until fall, either, because my advisor is leaving for China in mid-August.

Ok, I'm going to stop being a sissy about this. If she comes over this afternoon, I'm going to take her back home and talk to the grandma. It's supposed to rain for the next couple of days so I might get a bit of a reprieve. I'll update once something happens.

[mammaX3_MOD]

I like Scout's suggestion. Or maybe you could talk directly to Grandma. If she says "Oh, no. Not my precious little angel...." then maybe you could have her over for tea while the kids play, she can hear you recite the rules, and she can see how many times you have to tell the girl she's breaking them.

P.S. You said she comes from a bad home and that's why she lives with Grandma, maybe she has serious issues (drug baby, witnessed domestic abuse, molestaion victim.......) Maybe she needs medical/psycological help, but sometimes seniors are too stubborn to cave in to "modern day help".

[Scout]

I do understand the neighborhood coup fear, but since it sounded like the grandmother is so lackadaisical, it wouldn't be a big deal.