The Imperfect Community

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 6:58 pm Post subject: My update

Things suck. I don't even want to go into details. My mom tried chemo and had a life-threatening side effect, so she's trying another kid. Everything is just waaay fucked up with my family--the communication is just really hard. My coping skills are just pushed to the max. I was having panic attacks a couple of weeks ago, but now I'm on wellbutrin and things seem to be better. It's just a really hard situation that just keeps getting harder every week. I just feel like I've stepped into someone else's life and just when I get a grip on the current crisis, a new one pops up.

The kids have their last week of school this week. I've signed them up for a couple of camps each, but other than that, we don't really have anything planned.

ExCareerGal · Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 7:44 pm Post subject:

PP- so sorry to hear about it. It seems that when it rain it pours. I felt that way most of last year and I swear to you it will get better eventually. But it sounds like you have a hard road ahead with your mom. I hope you get some sort of break this summer when the kids are at camp. In the meantime, try to take good care of yourself. I hope your health problems are mostly in the past. taking care of myself was the only thing that held me together when things were rough last Fall.
Hugs,
Janna

Scout · Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 11:46 pm Post subject:

PP, I'm sorry everything is so hard right now. I can't imagine how stressful that is for you. I hope things get better soon and that the new chemo works for your mom.

Jessica · Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 8:07 am Post subject:

I'm so sorry PP. You have so much shit to deal with right now. I can't even imagine how hard that's got to be. I have never had to deal with immediate family being sick and I don't think anybody can fully understand unless they've been in your shoes.

Has your mom asked her oncologist about chemo sensitivity testing to find out what is going to work before trying it out? Chemo is some harsh stuff.

You might want to take a look at http://www.cancercare.org/
They have professional counselors on staff to help loved ones cope and deal with the demands of having a family member with cancer.

Good luck to you. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 1:18 pm Post subject:

I am sooooo not involved with the day-to-day issues with her chemo, Jess. That is a boundary I have put up and kept up, because that's one of my mom's big things, is the pushing and pulling and it's exhausting. She'll pull you in real close when she needs to vent to you or needs you to give her sympathy and comfort, and then totally push you away (cruelly) when she just doesn't feel like talking to you. And, the medical issues were a big catalyst for that, pulling me in to lean on me when she was afraid or in pain and then pushing me away (actually threatening not to talk to me ever again Rolling Eyes

when you say something "unsuportive" (like hey mom, have you considered a second opinion? That literally was the cause of her threatening to never speak to me again). Soooo, all I do is say, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, OK, sounds good" to whatever she says about her treatment.

Jessica · Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 1:58 pm Post subject:

Well then, PP, there is nothing you can do. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves and it is completely outrageous that she would threaten you simply because you asked her if she has considered another opinion. You are only one person and can only take so much. It's just an unfortunate situation for sure. I can't believe that she would talk to you that way and threaten you when that threat would wind up screwing herself in the end. It just isn't fair.

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 3:26 pm Post subject:

OMG, I could go on and on with enough writing to make it to the moon and back with what's unfair Laughing

I just can't even begin to describe to you how absolutely fucked up this entire situation is, but the sitution I detailed before is just one in about ten bazillion.

I actually made an appointment with a therapist for the 19th, because I need some outside help and I can't allow this issue to destroy all my friendships and my marriage because I'm taxing everyone else so much leaning on them. And, I've had to have a lovely talk with Alex and Katie, describing what "depression" is so they aren't so freaked out by my drop-of-a-hat crying fits.

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

PP- I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes with the "mom with cancer" situation. I wish I had some great advice but I don't. It just sucks beyond anything I had ever imagined and all I could do was be there for my mom and dad in whatever way they needed me to be. (((((((((hugs))))))) You can always PM me if you want to talk about it.

MainstreamMom · Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 11:14 am Post subject:

I am so sorry PP. I don't meant to sound trite but I sincerely am praying for a miracle for your mom.

Anthromomma · Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2007 1:52 pm Post subject:

I'm so sorry, PP. Hang in there.

mommy2three · Imperfect Parent Joined: 20 Dec 2002 Posts: 1674

OH SHIT!!!!

PP I'm so sorry, I'm being flung out the back end of this shit, pm me anytime....really!

Petulant Pixie · Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 10:49 am Post subject:

Hey, M23, do you have my e-mail address? I know you're not on here much and I check the board all the time, but just don't post much, becuase it's all really overwhelming.

My mom seems to be responding to the oral chemo, at least she's having no side effects and she sounds a lot better on it than she has since before being diagnosed! She has a CT scan next week to check the progress.

I am seeing a therapist next week. I cracked. My cousin was the catalyst, and without going into too much detail (it's just depressing, maddening and infuriating)...I had tried for 2 fucking weeks to call her to tell her my mom was sick (this woman never answers her phone, I mean NEVER, she always has to have you leave a message and she gets back to you), so I left tons of messages for her to call me back. Nothing specific, just to call me. She did once after about 5 messages to call me, and I wasn't home. So, I kept calling again and again, after like 5 more messages I left her, she called and again I wasn't home. So, I finally e-mailed her saying my mom has cancer, and she want ballistic on me. Still didn't call me, lol, just totally ripped me a new one in the e-mail saying (and I do quote) "this is the sort of thing I expect to be left on a voicemail if you can't get ahold of me in a timely manner." Then she went on and on about how she's too upset to talk. Never did call me. I wrote her back, she wrote me back, I left messages and more messages, BEGGING her to call because it's hard to read the tone in e-mails and her messages just kept getting more and more cruel and vicious, until finally, the last one ended with "If you can find it in your infinate wisdom and control to let me know about your parent's health, I'd appreciate that, the rest I can do without." I had told her that she was being really selfish, because everything was about her shock, her feelings of sadness that her aunt is sick, her every damn thing, and I was like, well, it's MY MOM! So, then she tells me that I have deep rooted issues about sharing my mother with my siblings that I'm trying to play out in a sick way with her over this, because I'm discounting HER feelings with my need for her to take care of me.

What the fuck.

At first it just sent me over the edge, because I am just so incredibly weak and vulnerable and reading shitty things said to me, was just unbearable. I mean, really unbearable. Like thinking I'd be better of dead. Like thinking that my kids would be better off without me, such an incompetent weakling for a mother and that Mike could find someone else who could raise my kids right, because what is it in me that attracts this hostility? I was just trying to get a message to my cousin that my mother has cancer and then when she admonished me for the manner in which I did it, I defended myself.

But, I'm on steadier ground now and I have an appointment with a therapist for next week because I need outside help. I can't manage all this insanity by myself. I have had a few people read the e-mails sent back and forth because I honestly wanted to know if I really and truly did say anything to bring out this viciousness. So far the verdict is no. But, I'll have my shrink look them over, too (when we get to that point, lol, there are other things I need to address first).

I just seriously feel like I'm moving earthquake to earthquake right now, just happy for the days when everything stays put.

mammaX3_MOD · Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 11:07 am Post subject:

PP: I am so sorry to hear about the turmoil in your life right now. Please hang in there. I am so glad to hear that you're going to see a therapist who will be well-equipped to help you through this.
As for your cousin: I just gotta say "Families Suck"!!!!!!!!!!! It sounds almost like what my mom went through last year when my Grandma died. But it was my Aunts who waited 2 days to call my mom to tell her Granny died.
Good luck.

mommy2three · Imperfect Parent Joined: 20 Dec 2002 Posts: 1674

Family sucks!

I actually get more support from my cousins then I do from my own sibs, unfortunately my sibs love to create more chaos, whenever one particular sister has involved herself in something I can be assured that I will need to step in and fix whatever it is that she got herself into, it sucks. Twisted Evil

DH was the WORST throughout my Dads' illness, I'm shocked we are still together! My kids on the other hand! WOW!

I'll check my address book for your e-mail, I'm pretty sure I have it somewhere.

Scout · Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 5:15 pm Post subject:

PP, that totally sucks. I'm glad you made an appointment to see a therapist. You need someone you can talk to and work through things with right now. Your cousin's behavior sounds so irrational! Even if she thinks you have control issues, she should know that this is SO not the time to drag that shit out. It's YOUR mom who is sick, and she should recognize that you need support from her right now, not bullshit.

I hope you really know that you are not weak or terrible, and that OF COURSE your kids would not be better off without you. But I know how easy it can be to feel overwhelmed when you have shit crashing down on you in your daily life. Hopefully your therapist will be a good one for helping you stake out some normalcy and security in the midst of everything that's happening. Hugs!