The Imperfect Community

[Robin Matteri]

Imperfect or not....the intention is to raise well-adjusted, happy, responsible and productive children, right?

OK, here's the source of my aggrevation:

I read an article in the Modesto Bee on Tuesday, April 17th about a shooting in Ceres, California. In a nutshell, some dumb ass mother fucker shot 2 people in an apartment over some dumb ass disagreement. The article went on to talk about the loss of these 2 great people and obviously covered the details of the events that brought the tragedy to head.

In the LAST two paragrahs the reporter (kudos to him) printed a statement that was made by the shooters father about the dumb ass shooter.

And I quote, "....[he] had a difficult childhood and he lacked a strong male role model. It always starts with your upbringing." Speaking of himself in third person, he added, "His dad had other things to do. I was one of those fathers."

Can you fucking believe that in today's society a person actually took responsibility for his own failures as a parent? I was shocked.

Bottom line....and this is merely my opinion.....everything we do as parents affects the outcome of our children as adults. I understand that at some point we are all able to determine right from wrong BUT many times fucked up parents and traumatic experiences trump all common sense.

Let's band together as self-proclaimed imperfect parents to raise our children so they don't become mass murderers. Understandably, our imperfections only add character and we aren't perfect. DUH! It's the little things in life that make the biggest differences!

Hat's off to all the imperfect parents trying to give it all. Our children will be greatful!

[TreeMom]

At the same time I often gringe when people hide behind their bad childhood for their bad behavior. Don't get me wrong, I know it affects you in ways for the rest of your life. But as an adult you continue to make bad choices.

Kelly

[Petulant Pixie]

[Jessica]

While agree that parents needs to take more respsonsibility, I also see a pattern of disturbed or emotionally scarred adults having children and passing on, either their psychosis or their abusive treatment creates these monsters.

The problem is, the parents who are already disturbed, either organically or by environment, aren't going take responsibility regardless.

The father in the OP's post did take some responsibility, but we don't know him. We have no idea if that has always been his game -- to be sincere to the public while brutally taking out his frustrations on his kid.

It's all very complicated, IMO.

[TreeMom]

PP - look we agree! I think it is really hard to break your kids. None of this stuff we stress out about breaks kids. Even the stuff that I think is wrong doesn't break kids.

Kelly

[Petulant Pixie]

TM, I'm really suspecting that you and I agree on most things and that we just got off on the wrong foot with that only child thread

[Robin Matteri]

Based on my observation of the group here at IP, I feel it is safe to say that in general this is a group of parents who have the best interest of their children at the forefront at all times. I was in no way pointing fingers at this group, I was just hoping to share this piece of information that I found to be quite enlightening.

However....I do not believe that our actions and behaviors as parents should NOT be sugar coated. I think that true education comes from honest feedback and criticism. I can hardly imagine expecting a pat on the back and an "ahhh, it's OK Robin. This isn't going to scar your children for life" when I've done something that in all truthfullness MAY. I expect to be schooled by a person who has more knowledge than me, I expect to figure out what I may need to do to defuse the situation and to correct any wrong I may have done.

Of course our intentions as parents are good, but how do we know what is going to mess our children up. My point is this:

We can love too much, not love enough; worry too much, not worry enough; give too much, not give enough and in the end we just hope we did the right thing. Hate to break it to ya but chances are highly likely that something we've done will trigger an emotional breakdown in our kids. My point is to just be coherent in their lives and active in their lives in order to implement damage control if need be. The mental health industry is booming and will continue to......guess why?

I can hear my kid now in 15 years...."Life was great until my parents divorced. Then, my mom wouldn't buy me that PSP and I was an outcast at school. I knew she never loved me!" Who knows how kids think and what carries over into adulthood. Here's another line my 10 year old son uses,"Mom, you worry too much. You're making me crazy!" Can you imagine the trauma I've caused by concerning myself with this child not breaking any body parts! Holy shit....I'm fucked!

I think we'll all agree that the father of the murderer was correct in saying that his actions as a "dad that had better things to do than raise his kid" contributed to the obvious anger issues that made this dumb fuck kill 2 people.

Let's just be active in our kids life! Seems simple. Take it for what it's worth though.....this is coming from a recovering alcoholic....what the fuck do I know.

Robin

[Petulant Pixie]

Welllllllllll......I do think it's important to be active in our kids' lives and of course try at every turn to make good choices. But, kids are hardier than that. I am a mental health professional and for what it's worth, I think part of why the mental health industry is booming is because people don't have realistic expectations of what life is.

Yes, there are people (plenty) of people who have bona fide mental health issues. But, there are also people who believe that because their mother didn't breastfeed them or buy them that PSP that they're somehow fucked up. People are stronger than that.

I think that there are things that can definately fuck a person up totally--a lifestyle of abuse and neglect. Kids who are physically/emotionally/sexually abused over the course of their lifetime with no other source of love or nurturing. That's the recipe for damaging someone. IMO, anything else is not going to damage a kid for life. Other situations might not be ideal, but they aren't reason for a kid to turn into a lesser human being and blame their parents.

As far as scarring, well, that's rather vague. Because emotions are like other muscles--how do muscles get stronger? You tear away muscle tissue by applying pressure and then the tissue repairs itself with a larger bulk of tissue. Kinda the same with emotions and mental health, if there is no exercise, no obstacles to overcome, then the psyche will be very weak. So, IMO, it isn't harmful to expose kids to different things and aid them in overcoming them. I'm not saying you should deliberately try to toss things at your kids to overcome, life kind of does that anyway. Nobody is perfect. No parent is perfect, so every parent, every single parent is going to fuck up every once in a while and I don't think that's a bad thing--because parents are people and people aren't perfect. Kids draw their experiences from what they know. If all they know is some stepford mommy who never has a bad day, never emits those "better get away vibes", then they're not very prepared for how to handle things in the real world.

Honestly, Robin, if I might say so, I'm just reading some feelings of guilt into your previous posts and given the history you've shared with us, I think that the best advice is to maybe give yourself a break. Yes, we all need to look over the mistakes we've made in the past and come up with a plan to avoid them in the future. The best thing to do when you fuck up with your kids is acknowledge it as soon as possible, talk it over with the kid, and come up with a plan so it's less likely to happen again. but I swear to you, that unless you've committed heinous acts or allowed heinous acts to be done to your kids on a regular basis, then you have not damaged them. Seriously.

I wonder what your opinion on this Alec Baldwin thing is? I heard it and my immediate reaction (as the mother of a 12 y.o.) is, "Oh my God, that must be soooo embarrassing for him! I would totally DIE if anyone released a tape of me yelling at my kid like that!" It was not stellar parenting. It was not his shining moment, I'm sure, but it also sure as hell wasn't anything close to abuse. And I'm also very sure that precious little Ireland isn't damaged for life because of it

[Robin Matteri]

I guess what I was really trying to point out is how important it is to spend adequate time with our children.

My intentions were never to point fingers at this group. I am fully aware that this is a group of devoted parents who take pride in the fact that trying as hard as possible will eventually result in a glorious pay off. And.......for all of us PERFECT parents frontin' as "imperfect" the rewards will be bountiful!! We know that imperfection breeds creativity, brilliance and authenticity. What more can you ask for?

I have awesome parents. I do NOT blame my parents for my failures but I do believe that the foundation they laid molded me into the person I am today. If we as parents take responsibility for the greatness of our children then at some point we have to also take the imperfections. That's life.

I do parent with the intentions of establishing productive, respectful and beautiful children. I'm also realistic in the fact that I'm not perfect. I choose to live, learn and be present in their lives. Truthfully, who benefits more, me or them?

I just found the article interesting. It has made me a believer! The man who didn't have time to teach his son has taught me that there are NEVER more important moments in life than those spent with the one's who value, love and cherish it the most. My kids. Bless their souls.

Robin