The Imperfect Community

giantteeth · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 12:48 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

I have decided that it is my duty, as the newbie here, to dredge up all the old topics and comment on each and every one. Well, maybe just a few.

My daughter is almost 2, but I've got two stepkids, 6 & 8, who/ whom? we have half the time. If it weren't for the stepkids, I'd probably be all knocked up right now. But they are throwing a wrench in things.

I know they aren't the traditional sis/bro to Fen, and I also know I'm trying too hard to label everything. I feel like half of me doesn't want Fen to be an OC, because I can't conceive of growing up withput my sis. And I am so brainwashed by the *only children are lonely* crap.

But then she's not truly an only child, only a part time only child.

My brain swats this one back and forth until my eyes bleed-

Plus I get stressed out easily, so maybe another kid for me isn't the answer.

Now that I've drawn you all into my internal battle, I have to go take a nap. Rolling Eyes

Jessica · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 1:01 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

Jeanette, you are clearly tortured by this decicion. There is only one way to ever, truly know if you're right or wrong. You must procreate again. Only then, will you accept the fact that you should have stuck with just one. The irony is that you'll never truly get it until you're already stuck with child #2 and then there's no going back. Wink

Actually, I was a lot like you, and Scott would/could have been happy with zero kids, so suffice it to say, I won on both arguments, first to have a child to begin with and second, to give him a sibling. I can honestly say that I don't know what life would be like without my second. Holden LOVES him sooooo much. He is his world. One of my best friends once told me, "The greatest gift you can give to a child is giving him a sibling", and I honestly believe that, however, I know plenty of onlies that claim that they were perfectly happy and content. And, of course, there are people that can only have one, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm still glad I took the plunge, even if I am counting down the days until they're 18 and sentenced to a dorm room. Wink

Your step-kids are wonderful for your daughter, but I don't think it's exactly the same thing. I can't explain exactly why I feel this way. I have a 1/2 sister that is only 3 and I just don't feel like we're even realted, but of course, I hardly see her and she's 32 years younger than me, so that's probably why! Laughing

Kids need to have a blook brother or sister to hate or to hold. Whichever, it is a valuable lesson in life, IMO.

Good luck with your decision.

But if you do go ahead, when are you going to have time to shave American Flags in chick's crotches??

honeybee · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 20 Dec 2002 Posts: 3163

I have two older half-sisters. When I was little they lived with us part-time, but by the time I was 7 they stayed with their mom full time (they were both older teenagers by then and busy with their own crap).

I was a very lonely kid and wish to this day that I had a sibling.

I always knew without a doubt that I would have at least two kids. Having an only just wasn't going to be an option for me. If I had had a happier childhood, one not so marked by solitude, I might have felt differently.

giantteeth · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 2:36 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

Wow, thanks, y'all. I actually really appreciate these honest answers. When I've brought up the subject before, all the responses are, "Well, it's a question only you can answer; you'll figure it out in time..... blah blah blah."

Yes, No shit, I just wanted to hear what other people think and what other experiences are. I just know I would have lost my marbles long ago had it not been for my sister, and it's pretty hard to know if the kids are gonna go live with their mom most of the time later on.

Great, so since I'm 34 now, I can work for a couple of years and get to work conceiving at 36-37 I'm thinking.

prescott · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 2:44 pm Post subject: Re: Sort of an only child

Rebecca_R · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 2:54 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

I agree with Scott, do it if you want to, but if you don't want to, then your only child will be fine. If you raise well adjusted kids it doesn't matter if they have a sibling or not. Well, this is coming from someone who does have a close sibling, but I feel my parents are so great I would be who I am no matter what.

That said, I have a friend who is adopted and also an only child, and the only thing she feels sad about is that when her parents die, that is it, she will have no one left of her family growing up. She has a daughter, and that is the big reason why she does want another child, because she doesn't want her daughter to be alone when her and her husband are gone.

My husband has 4 brothers and a sister, but was raised as an only because his mom and dad got divorced and the other brothers and sister come from the other marriages of his mom and dad. So it's weird, he's an only, the middle child (his two brothers from his mom are his older brothers) and his brothers and sister from his dad are younger than him. He lived alone with his mother. So he is the eldest from his father, and the youngest from his mother. I guess that's why he's such a wackie individual, he has no "real" spot for himself in the family and he has all these roles: oldest, youngest, middle and an only. Are you confused yet? He sure is. Laughing

prescott · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 3:50 pm Post subject: Re: Sort of an only child

MainstreamMom · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 3:52 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

Well I think you have the best of both worlds here! It's like having a family of three without having to go through three pregnancies, labors, infant stages, etc. If you decide you want to have another baby right now, I'd see it as having four kids, not two. Even though they are "half," they are still blood siblings and still part of the same family!

giantteeth · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 8:16 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

I guess it's the best of both worlds. I don't ever think I will feel like a *mother* figure to them, though, and I obviously don't have the bond that I have with Fen. I know some stepfolks are better at cultivating that bond with their stepkids.... I sort of don't feel it.

julymom · Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 10:34 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

I think siblings are wonderful if you are inclined to produce them! I wouldnt want to have an only child even though I know many that are perfectly well adjusted. I look at my 2 kids together giggling or, in a rare moment, sharing, and I really like it that they have a bond with someone for life. Jack is kind of confused about the concept of marriage these days and asked dh if he was going to have to marry Molly, LOL!

I think that if you look to the future and see youself regretting not having a sib for your daughter, you should do it! If not then don't sweat it.

Cool

giantteeth · Posted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 3:02 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

DietCokeHead · Queen of Imperfection Joined: 29 Apr 2002 Posts: 3805

Maybe I can get them a nanny so I don't have to actually do the raising; I will be the much beloved and respected matriarch, without having to go through all the nitzy day to day crap. Yeah

I am sure you can get some references for a good nanny from Angelina Jolie, perhaps, or any other Hollywood mom who claims to be superinvolved with her kids while away from them for a month at a time shooting a movie, LOL!

What is your daughter's name again? Is it Fen or is that short for something?

giantteeth · Posted: Fri Dec 10, 2004 10:55 am Post subject: Sort of an only child

Her name is Fen- not short for anything.

We nearly went insane trying to figure out a name we could agree on for her, and finally one night we started sort of brainstorm-thinking. We just wrote down all the words that we liked the sound of, and Fen came out of that.

Yep, it's true. And I know fen means a sort of a swampy area, but that made us like it as a name even more. Poor girl, maybe we shouldn't procreate again. The next one might be named poo, or ant or something. How about Dirt? Laughing

JuneMama · Posted: Wed Jan 05, 2005 9:44 pm Post subject: Sort of an only child

If you're interested, here are some articles on only children. From the advantages, to the disadvantages:

http://geoparent.com/family/techniques/onlies.htm

http://amethystjourney.tripod.com/onlychild.html

http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/9808/07/only.child/

http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content2/only.child.html

http://ok.essortment.com/onlychildren_rsuq.htm

http://www.canoe.ca/LifewiseFamilymatters01/1030_only.html

http://www.acs.ohio-state.edu/researchnews/archive/birthwrk.htm

http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/eischens2.html

IMO, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages of having an only. Dh and I are 500% positive that we do not want another child.

I have siblings. My brother and I didn't get along and barely see each other now. We have nothing in common. I feel I had a lonely childhood. It's not as if I had a sibling I could really talk to or hang out with. My 1/2 sister is 10 years younger than me. We obviously don't have much in common and also don't see each other much.

Having a sibling isn't a gaurantee of anything. I've heard stories of all but 1 siblings dying. Just because you give your child siblings, doesn't mean they will never be lonely, will have a lifelong pal, will always have a sibling. Just as being an only doesn't mean your child will be lonely, selfish, etc.

Joey is definitely not lonely. He goes to pre-school 4 days a week, swimming 1 day a week and has playgroup 1 day a week. We also get together for playdates with other's very often. When he is older, he can bring a friend on vacation with us if he wants. I truly don't think he'll ever say he wished he wasn't an only.

I have no problem with people who want more than 1 child. That is great for them. I have a problem with people telling other's why they shouldn't/can't have only 1 and how it's going to be such an awful, lonely life for that only child. I think people should have another/subsequent child if that is what they want with all their hearts. I don't think it's fair or right to have another "just in case" or because of society pushing it on them. I also disagree that giving your child a sibling is a gift. That's JMHO. Smile