The Imperfect Community

[TheBean]

This is the thread to share the stupid things people have said to you.

So far...I've heard:

"The paperwork actually takes longer than the procedure." This from the insensitive intake nurse at the hospital. I did respond to her with a, "That is the most insensitive thing to say to a woman that just lost a baby and has to have surgery!" And then I started sobbing. I hope she felt like shit afterwards.

"So, are you going to try for another baby?" My response:, "Uh, I think at this point I just need to focus on getting through the surgery procedure tommorrow, and deal with the grief of losing this baby before I even begin to think about any other children."

"Let pray for a miracle, and that the baby will be raised from the dead" (I think there might have been others IN the hospital that were still ALIVE that might have had a little better chance, and less miracle power)

Then there was the doctor on the phone that asked me how I was feeling and then proceed to talk to me for 10 minute telling me how he had a child with Downs Syndrome, that developed lukemia (spelling), was cured of that, then got mono and died at 3 years old. Like this is helpful to me???

And let us not forget the stranger at the pharmacy that said, "You need to get happy! Its Christmas!" To which I replied, 'Uh, my baby just died, and I am here to pick up my antibiotic from the surgery I had 2 hours ago...and I do NOT need to get happy, so piss off."

I'm sure I'll have others to add to the list. After all, only 2 days have passed.

Oh, and how about the ladies on my Due date board, that are sending condolences out to another girl who had to put her dog to sleep this weekend. WTF??? I would be totally embarrasssed to post something like that if another board member posted they just lost their baby!!!!!!!!

[Rebecca_R]

Eileen,

The best one I heard was "oh this is for the better, there was probably something wrong with the baby anyway." That was from my lovely gramma. Who then went into a story about how if she was pg in "this day and age" where we have u/s's and amnios she would certainly find out if her baby had downs so that she could abort it. (now, you all know I am prochoice and would never condemn a woman for such a personal decision, but to talk about it so lightly to someone who suffered a loss is really fucking insensitive!) Too bad it is unethical to smack old folks in the face.

Your going to hear a lot of insensitivity. Your also going to hear a lot of things that normally you wouldn't even notice, but because of the situation it's going to sting you right in the heart. A very close friend of mine from high school got pg right at the time I lost my baby. Anyway, she would complain so much about being pg, how it was an accident and how uncomfortable she was, etc etc. How it was unplanned and "oh WHY am I so fertile?" Okay, how fucking clueless, right? I wanted to be like AT LEAST YOU GET TO BE PG YOU IDIOT! I was so sensitive to insensitive comments, lol. Then when she found out it was a boy she was like "but I wanted a girl!" I couldn't hold my tongue and I remember I said something like "I lost my boy and would give anything to have him back, so please enjoy yours as much as you can." Life is such a gift, it's easy to forget.

One other thing that may happen is, in 2 months, 6 months or whatever timeframe, you may still feel like crying...bursting into tears. People will be like "you are still sad about this?" But to you, the wound is just as raw as the day it happened. People may not understand that you still want to cry, or vent or scream: WHY WHY WHY?! So all I want you to know is, tomorrow or in a year or however long it takes you to feel better, you can come and talk to us. Even when people spew insensitive comments, or if you are upset because the 16 year old down the street just gave birth after smoking for 9 months, vent to us. We are always here for you. Today, tomorrow, 6 months from now, 2 years from now...you get the picture.

[Jessica]

Wow. I'm just not going to say anything anymore. I'm actually guilty of similiar faux pauxs.

One of my best friends, thought she had a miscarriage, but actually didn't and I asked her right away if she was thinking of trying again. She didn't seem put off by it, and given our closeness, I thought it was okay.

I am also of the belief that many times pre-term deaths are a result of a defect, or reasons beyond what we can comprehend as humans and I never thought of that as being insensitive.

I guess it's better to just not say anything when you think about. There are no right words to say in that situation and people are just people and say dumb things when they don't know what to say, not out of malice, but out of awkwardness I suppose.

It's never happened to me, so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut in the future.

[Rebecca_R]

Jessica, I think it's not really what someone says, but how they say it. So for example, if a close friend of mine was pg at the time and really wanted a girl and she was sad, I might understand it. But if someone just called me in a whiny voice and said they wanted a girl, it would hurt. Saying something like "you know, I did really want a girl but I'm so glad this baby BOY is healthy" is totally different then "But I wanted a girl!" almost like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum.

Also the comment from my grandmother was totally dismissive. Like "oh don't be sad, be happy that you don't have to take care of a retarded person." Whereas if someone like you said something sensitive like "this is natures way of taking care of something" which is kinda true, so many chromosomal defects end in m/c, it's just very different.

You are the kind of person that is very sympathetic. Your not trying to dismiss Eileen or Annie's m/cs...some people say these insensitive things as if the woman should dismiss her grief. I think *that's* what's the insensitive part of the comment.

I know one of the first things I said to annie were comments about ttc again. But I feel (hopefully) I was appropriate and said it with tact. You don't have to keep your mouth shut. I think if anything just being there to offer condolences and listen to a sad friend is something you are very good at!!! You've been there for me in the past. I can distinctly remember you writing to me when I was crying or upset and you've always helped me.

[Scout]

Right--I also think it's important to remember that most of us realize when someone means well and when they're just being an ass. When people said stuff to me like "Well, everything happens for a reason," it might have annoyed me or been un-helpful, but it didn't make me mad at that person because I knew they just didn't know what to say.

I think it's hard to see someone you care about and realize there's just nothing you can do to take the pain away. We want to be able to say "well, this just must have happened for a reason" and have the person say "You're right, that makes me less sad," but in reality, that's not likely to happen. And sometimes you aren't ready to feel better. After something like this happens, you might just need to feel the sadness until it starts to go away. Our culture doesn't really support that kind of grieving. It's easy to feel pushed to just "get over it," and sometimes comments that were meant to be helpful just feel like part of that push.

I think the best thing you can do is just express sympathy and acknowledge that the person has a right to feel sad and be upset, and let them know you're there if they need you.

[DietCokeHead]

This thread isnt to make anyone here feel bad! I didnt think any of the things any of you guys you said were upsetting. A lot of the rude comments *seem* rude when they come from a certain person or if you are just in the wrong state of mind at the time.

Anyways, here's mine. A friend of mine e-mailed me and told me that I should "Be grateful for the kids you have. You're young, you can have another one. Look at me, I dont even have ANY yet!" Somehow she always made things about her so that shouldnt have surprised me. I resisted the urge to reply back that I AM grateful for the kids I have and that they have nothing to do with the one I lost. And, by the way, the reason she doesnt have ANY is because she keeps dating assholes who will never marry her.

And, the nurse at the hospital who told me that the baby was in a better place with Jesus really pissed me off. I didnt want the baby to be with Jesus, I wanted it back in my stomach where it belonged.

The support I appreciated was just getting a hug or having someone tell me that they understood what I was going through, or that they were there to listen.

[TheBean]

[TheBean]

Oh, here is the best one....Girlfriend of mine...on the gurney...on the way to have a d&c.

A bell rings in the hospital, and the man pushign hte gurney leans over and says, "Everytime a bell rings that means a baby is being born in the hospital!"

She just started balling. Could you imagine.

[TheBean]

I think the best thing you can do is just express sympathy and acknowledge that the person has a right to feel sad and be upset, and let them know you're there if they need you.

i agree - and this has been the majority of responses I have received.

I think most people really are sad and sorry - and that does mean something - even if their words don't come out right. It really is an awkward situation for everybody.

And people are looking to me for cues on how to react. Only thing is, I can't always help them, as I am an emotional nutjob right now.

[Sewingsiren]

I have had three miscarriages. The first one was in 1998 and I was 12-1/2 weeks pg. The 2nd was in 2001 and I was 14-1/2 weeks pg. Most resently I miscarried in Sept. 2004 at 15 weeks (I hadn't even told anyone about the that pregnancy, I've learned to wait).

I think the reason people ask if you're going to get pregnant again? Is for some people (including me) having a baby really does help you to get over the grief of the miscarriage. When remarks like that are made however the person saying is not taking in to consideration fertility problems ect.. that might make it difficult for someone to get pg again , so I would agree that it should not be said.
I have a remark to add to "What not to say" book: After my second miscarriage (which would have been my 3rd child) my own father said " You should consider yourself lucky." I don't know what the fuck he meant by that, and I don't want to know. He had four kids himself (which he considered burdens not blessings). I guess thats why I'm such a secretive asshole .

[Scout]

Charming comment from your father. The first time I met my biological half sister, one of the things she told me about our bio-Dad (she grew up with him, I had just found out he existed) was that when she had a mc after having one child, he came over to pick her up on his motorcycle to go "celebrate." Nice.

[shellydages]

i really appreciate this thread.

as a non-parent i can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to have a miscarriage or lose a child. i don't often run into anyone in that situation, but on the rare occasion i have i have always wanted to be as kind as possible, but often wondered if i ended up doing more harm than good.

i can only offer those of you who have been in this situation my deepest sympathy and my thanks for showing me how to better help others, rather than possibly make an already devestating situation even worse.

shel