The Imperfect Community

[Scout]

Read the article.

[prescott]

[Jessica]

Ah, doesn't do much for me. Too broad of an opinion for me. Plus, I'm so sick of studies telling me how I should parent.

I don't know why people can't just use good old-fashioned common sense. Hug children and love 'em and strike a balance of discipline, encouragement and expactations and consequences. It's not rocket science.

[colby]

Well, my child is screwed then, because my husband CONSTANTLY teases her. ha ha
I don't think that teasing is so awful. My mom used to tease me when I was being overly dramatic and it made me a realist. I know exactly when I'm going 'over the top'.
I think CIO is kind of crappy and I didn't do that, but this article is basically saying you have always treat your kids with, well, kid gloves. Pu-lease. That's how you get the teacups that other article was talking about. If you constantly sugar coat and baby them, then when they get to college, they don't know what to do when they suddenly don't get their way for the 1st time and then they just break down.
Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way harsh with my baby, I care about her feelings, and if there is genuine distress, I respond to it. But I'm not trying to completely coddle her either. If my dh teases her, then usually, she ends up laughing and coming out of her 'distress'.
Does anyone else 'tease' their kids out of distress or a pout? Or am I the only meanie

[Scout]

My dh does this. The kids respond to his humor better than mine, probably because he remembers to use it more.

[Petulant Pixie]

I don't know, I thought the article was pretty full of common sense. I don't think they're talking about like 10 year-olds there. They're talking about very small children and babies.

I don't think it's the best thing to let a baby CIO alone in a room. The article talked about acknowledging kid' emotions and the importance of touch, and IMO, if you respond to your baby's crying with touch 99% of the time, then that 1% when you're not able to (because you're in the shower or you're in the middle of something and can't get to the baby immediately), then talking to it in a soothing way is still acknowledging the emotion. You aren't sticking them in a room, leaving, and closing the door behind you. And even when they're toddlers, they need to be responded to quickly. As they start to age though, you can begin teaching them age-appropriate reactions by your own reaction. But, I think the idea is that if they honor and own their own emotions from the start, then they will react in an age appropriate manner all along. But, if their feelings are ignored from the start, then how do they learn to feel them themselves?

[DietCokeHead]

Personally, I don't feel like letting a child cry for 5-10 minutes is a big deal. Molly was such a horrendous sleeper, that Ferber was the only thing that worked for us. Going in to her every single time actually made things worse. The longest she was ever let cry was 15 minutes, this was at about 15 mos. I'll be sure to check for psychological scars later in life,

[Jessica]

[prescott]

OK, I finally read this article -- is it just me, because I'm missing the part about letting a child cry a few minutes after putting them down falls into this study.

Seems more to be saying don't put your child in their crib *if they are already crying*, and the main point of the article seems to be that it's o.k. for the child to cry, and not to tell them things like, "oh, don't cry, get over it" or ignore it.

Common sense to me says that if you put your kid to bed, and they start crying, they are upset about one thing -- having to go to bed.

[Petulant Pixie]

I agree, Scott. But, if you have a screaming baby, and by "baby" I mean an infant, under a year old, then I don't think it's a real good idea to stick the screaming infant in a crib and let it lay there crying.

Annie--I think there's a big difference between letting a 15 month old cry for 5-10 minutes on occasion and letting a 3 month old cry for 5-10 minutes regularly, KWIM? That's the problem with "cry it out", it means different things to different people. Are we talking about a little baby here, who we stick in a crib, turn the mobile on, then walk out, closing the door behind us, to let her wail in the crib until she falls asleep? Or are we talking about a baby who wakes up when mom is in the shower, and mom calls through the door "Just a minute, mommy will be right there..." and makes other reassuring statements so the kid doesn't feel abandoned? Or are we talking about a toddler who is driving the whole family nuts during a phase and is tantrumming and the parents are trying to set boundaries about bedtime? There are so many scenarios.

For me, I just remember these moms on my birth board who started to use Ferber at like 8 weeks. They were totally convinced that their babies were MANIPULATING them by crying in the night, and that these 2 month old babies needed to LEARN who was boss. They would cry until the vomited and the moms would go in and change the sheets and put the baby back in the crib, without talking to it or soothing it at all, to show it that they weren't going to fall for that manipulation That's the stuff that makes me cringe. And that I think could potentially cause psychological damage.

But, as a general rule, I think it's a good idea to aknowledge and respect kids' feelings. Even my 10 year-old son realizes this, without reading studies or parenting books, lol. When he was helping Katie get her loose tooth out and she said she was scared, Mike stifled a giggle and Alex admonished him, saying, "Dad, it's not funny that she's afraid." Mike wasn't laughing at her being afraid, of course, he was laughing at the drama of the whole scene. Anyone with any knowledge of mental health knows that being able to feel your emotions and have them respected is very important for psychological development. And belittling or ignoring the emotions takes that away.

[Scout]

ITA with PP. I think y'all are forgetting all the MANY people who start letting their newborns CIO for "as long as it takes" really early. I've seen people talking about their babies throwing up from crying because they're just too "stubborn" to go to sleep.

[DietCokeHead]

>>>>For me, I just remember these moms on my birth board who started to use Ferber at like 8 weeks>>>>>>>

OK, that is not good.

[prescott]

[Jessica]

[TheBean]