The Imperfect Community

[kathyjm]

My daughter is being bullied. I'm so mad, so sad, and SOOOO tired of it! As you know my daughter has Tourette Syndrome. Her main tics (when she's waxing) are vocal...it's usually and "uh" sound. Some people think she has the hiccups some people think she's purposefully trying to be annoying. MOST people, normal people, can recognize right of the bat that something's going on with her. MOST people don't even know what tourette syndrome is (they think they do, but they don't). basically it's motor and vocal tics. people with TS cannot control these..it's caused by the same part of the brain that makes you breathe, blink your eyes, etc...

anyway, we've dealt with this kid for three years now. at first I though it was because of the TS but now I know it's this child. He bullies many kids and is OFTEN in trouble.

In addition to constant teasing, mimicking, antagonizing, he has made sexual comments to my daughter (come suck my big fat penis---he was only in fourth grade when he said that!), throwing pine cones at her, punching her in the arm and as recently as last week, smacked her in the mouth for ticcing while he was talking on his cell phone to his mom (cell phone he's not supposed to be using at school). He is majorly bugging her now for telling on him.

this is the first year of jr. high for them... in elementary school we worked through the teachers, the principal, calling his parents, the police.

so far this year, we've worked through the principal and a phone call to his mom.

My husband is ready to hire an attorney... what do you suggest?? I know there are some teachers here...i"m just afraid of making things worse for my daughter (see indirectly i'm being bullied by this little snot!)... she expressed to me yesterday that she's afraid if we cant get him to stop that one of these days he's really going to do something bad like bring a knife or a gun to school. have you had any successful outcomes to stop bullying??

My urge is to take her out and home school her but I know that's irrational. she's really a sweet kid, smart, has lots of friends. she in no way would ever start something with someone else. because of this kid's problems with everyone else, I KNOW she's not 'asking' for it from him.

[colby]

Of course she isn't asking for it! These bullys usually have their own shit going on, and your daughter is probably an easy target, especially if she is self conscious about her tics (bullys can smell this on kids, I swear to God). It makes me so mad for her. It is truly one of my greatest fears of school for my own child (to be either the bullied or the bully).
#1) it is absolutely NOT to be tolerated, if the school isn't doing something about it...I don't blame your husband for threatening lawyers.
#2) I don't think pulling out of school is the answer - that may be sending the wrong message to your daughter
#3) If your daughter really does feel physically threatened, she should, or you should take this to the school, if they don't do something about it (which I believe they are supposed to..and in this day and age they should) then I would flat out do what your husband is suggesting and get a lawyer. Your daughter has a right to go to school and not fear bodily harm.
I don't really have any great advice, but just sympathy for your situation, and I hope it works out okay.

[Jessica]

Can you do a "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" on his ass and go to the school and grab him by the ear and tell him if he screws with your daughter again that you'll smash his face in?? (Okay, I'm being obtuse here because this ticks me off so much!)

Anyway, bullying is not be tolerated as Colby already mentioned. I know there are new laws that protect victims. I wonder if you can get a restraining order that would have to be upheld even at school.

You know what I would honestly do? I would not be afraid to make a big deal out of this. Tell everyone, make flyers, hold parental meetings about bullies and this kid in particular, call the parents, call the police and whatever you can do to get your voice heard. I think evidence shows that being scared of a bully or what they might do if you make a stink does not work. The only thing that works (according to the Montel Show ) is making this bully very public and not simply ignoring it or thinking it will go away. Bullies actually want to be stopped because they have a need for boundaries that their parents are obviously not giving him.

Take it up the flag-pole. If you don't succeed with one level of authority, take it to the next. Just do not try and let it go thinking that you'll make it worse. Nothing will make it worse except not making a huge scene over this.

[DietCokeHead]

Kathy,

OMG, that is horrible. I say go directly to the principal. most schools have a zero-tolerance policy for bullying of any kind and threats of violence (guns. etc). March yourself into that office ASAP and calmly explain to the principal what is going on, and that you will not tolerate it. If you do not get acceptable results, I would go to the superintendent. I am sorry your daughter is going through this. Let us know what happens.

[Elizabeth]

I think your husband's instincts are dead on. If you've contacted the parents repeatedly, then they know what's going on and are not doing their job. Maybe the threat of reform school would get their attention.

I'd start with the principal, but I'd also call a lawyer. You have a history of trying to work with the school and the parents to no avail. There have to be policies on both bullying and sexual harassment in the school district. Has he made any sexual remarks to her lately? I'd talk to the principal but be sure to let them know that you are prepared to defend your daughter to the fullest extent of the law.

If anyone should be pulled out of school, it should be the bully. If you know other parents whose kids are having problems with this kid, why not enlist them on your side as well. The only way it's going to stop is if everyone stands together and says "no."

[DietCokeHead]

"m just afraid of making things worse for my daughter (see indirectly i'm being bullied by this little snot!)... she expressed to me yesterday that she's afraid if we cant get him to stop that one of these days he's really going to do something bad like bring a knife or a gun to school. have you had any successful outcomes to stop bullying??

You will not make things worse for her than they already are. She should not have to live in fear at school. In my experience, parents who complain about stupid, trivial shit at school constantly are the ones who can make things worse for their kid. This is a very serious situation and I wouldnt let it go any further. I agree with Elizabeth, talk to the principal first and let him/her know that you are prepared to hire an attorney to protect your daughter's rights.

[kathyjm]

thanks for your support guys. I do appreciate it. Makes me feel more confident. I guess I just dont want the school to think Im an overprotective freak because my daughter is different. I'm not even sure if they're aware of the history (since they've only been in this school for a few months)...dont' know if the elementary shares this kind of info.

It's been a strange transition going from elementary school to jr. high. In elementary school the teachers and staff are so easy to communicate with and it was always TWO way conversations. With this jr. high, it's so difficult to get a hold of anyone and usually I'm the only one doing the communicating...i never hear any follow up from then. I've just decided that I better start putting everything in writing so that if we do go the atty route, I have a documentation trail...

Yes the parents are LOSERS! After he smacked my daughter's mouth, my husband called the mom and said something like " this is the last phone call you will get from me. If you dont get control of your kid and he does anything again, you wont hear from me, you'll hear from my attorney". Her response was " can you talk to my son and tell him that so that he can see how serious you are?"...my husband flipped...he said, "NO, that's YOUR job and I suspect whatever you have going on there is why your son is acting up" and he hung up on her.

Last year after the police were called and he was suspended from school, that very day in the evening he was out in the neighborhood rollerblading with his friends (who are MUCH older than he is). OMG if one of my kids were ever suspended let alone had cops called on them, they'd be grounded indefinitely!

I know it's only a matter of time before he's expelled...he's already been in TWO fist fights this year and caused trouble with another girl... I just dont want him causing my daughter any grief in the mean time. I've been keeping a diary of his crap lately...every day last week and this week so far he's done something, mostly verbal stuff trying to intimidate her... they dont have classes together but they have PE the same period and that's usually when he pulls his crap.

[mommy2three]

Oh that principal should be ALL OVER that family! I'd start with the district anti bullying policy, first, then go to the principal and say " why aren"t you following this procedure?". If the answer isn't satifiactory then work your way through the administration of the school district...all else fails I'd call the state; I'm sure there is guidance regarding "safe schools" with them. A call from an attorney will surely get everyone doing something.

[julymom]

Oh, your poor little girl! She's at a difficult time anyway (though I don't recall there being any non-difficult times to be a girl), and to throw this on top of it. Do what everyone else has said, and don't give up until you get results. I'd get a restraining order for outside of school (I don't know if they could uphold it in shcool, but maybe). Make your voice heard, because you don't know how many other kids are going through this too and have parents afraid to speak up. If people think you're a bitch, too bad. This is your child and she's more important than what anyone else may think. Be strong. If you get crap, we're all here to rally you. Damn, I'm so mad I want to drive to wherever you are and make a fuss myself! If anyone messes with my kid, there will be hell to pay if I have to take it to the Supreme Court. If I ever find out he's causing problems for another kid, he will know the meaing of grounded, because he will lose everything he values (including his bedroom door, which IMO is the worst thing you can lose-privacy)and won't go anywhere until he goes to college.

[Petulant Pixie]

I agree with hiring an attourney. You should not pull her out and homeschool her unless it's an absolute last resort. Your daughter has differences from other people and she is going to have to learn to fight for her rights, not run from them, or alter her life because of people who are going to discriminate or take advantage of her.

A child who makes sexual remarks like that is troubled. He needs help. He needs to be removed from the school, not your daughter. The school has a responsibility to protect your child from harm--physical and emotional. I would contact the principal and let him know that if this does not stop IMMEDIATELY, you would be hiring an attourney. I would recommend this for the parents of a normally functioning child, too, but given your daughter's situation, I think that the principal would take it that much more seriously, since I'm sure he could just imagine the publicity something like this would get...it could be all over the news that a girl with Tourette's Syndrome is being bullied and sexually harrassed in school. It could be a nightmare for his career.

[Jessica]

Oh, and one more thing Kathy, would you feel comfortable contacting the school social worker? Perhaps you should call and make an appointment. Every school should have an assigned social worker, if they're not full time. I know our school has a FT social worker, not sure why, but I'd imagine they'd be a valuable asset in this situation. PP can probably speak to this better than I can however.

[Petulant Pixie]

It depends on the area, Jess. Not every state even has school social workers. And even if they do, only really wealthy districts have them. In our district, we have one school social worker for all 11 of the elementary schools. I don't know about the Jr High schools, I think the three schools share one, too.

But, I wouldn't dilly dally. I would get agressive with it right away and tell the principal that I really don't care HOW he makes it stop, so long as he does. It is totally unaccptable and you will file suit against the school if it continues.

[kathyjm]

UPDATE!

I dont know what to make of this! Three years of crap and... Monday Trevor, the bully, approached Katelynn and said, "hey Katelynn, I'm really sorry for everything".

She says he's been saying hi to her every time he see's her now.

Hmmmm...I'm afraid to believe it...i feel like it's a conspiracy and he's sucking her in for something... Kind of like that Carey (sp?) movie...

My dh thinks that it must be that trevor has a troubled home and all along he must have had a crush on katelynn but only knows how to get the negative attention.

I guess time will tell but for the time being, I'm thrilled!

[DietCokeHead]

Wow, that is awesome. I hope he keeps on being a decent human being!!

[kathyjm]

well, he's been out of school for a week now. that of course has our imagination going crazy...

why the sudden apology, being nice, then gone? I hope it's something simple like they are on vacation, or he's sick, or maybe even expelled. DH has suspected abuse all along so I certainly hope thats not happening! I would feel terrible if something like that is happening. but one has to wonder why a child would act out so much??