This Easter, my 10 year-old son Henry did not find the “prize egg”. Last Easter I had pulled some strings to ensure that he would. Some may call this cheating; I was simply trying to avoid the meltdown that would inevitably occur if he were not the lucky egg hunter. This year, I was banned from “cheating” by a well-meaning, yet sometimes excruciatingly fair, Dad. When Henry’s cousin found the prize egg, Henry proceeded to dump his full Easter basket on the ground and stomp all of his eggs into tiny little bits of mush.
I know, I know, it sounds like I have raised a demon child, unable to control his emotions or actions, destined to be the kid sitting in the Principal’s office the most, followed up by a long stint in therapy (or jail). Several years ago I would have agreed, but that was before he was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. Back then, he was, to put it nicely and without using expletives, a handful. I was a new mother; one not quite sure if it was “okay” that my son had memorized the movie Toy Story but wouldn’t speak otherwise, not sure if it was “okay” that he was afraid of public restrooms to the point of screaming upon entering, not sure if it was “okay” that he knew the location of every dumpster in the city but not his own address.
Getting Henry’s diagnosis was a blessing. We now had a name for his atypical behavior, a label of sorts, but one without much explanation. This is where most parents of a newly diagnosed child find themselves; in desperate need of guidance from someone who knows what they are talking about. I found a major part of that guidance by reading The Oasis Guide to Asperger Syndrome by Patty Romanowski Bashe, M.S. Ed., and Barbara L. Kirby, both parents of children with Asperger Syndrome. These two pioneering women have graciously written a completely revised and updated edition to help even more parents with their Asperger kids.
In this new edition, Bashe and Kirby begin by providing the most comprehensive explanation of Asperger Syndrome that one is likely to find. As a parent of one of these unique kids, you can get caught in the trap of believing that your kid has to be the only one in the world specifically obsessed with dumpsters (or trains, or washing machines, or vacuums). This guide lets you know otherwise. The description of what Asperger “looks like” is so thorough and dead on that at several points I thought the authors must have wire tapped my house or followed us with a hidden camera.
Throughout the guide the effective and unique tool of online polling data is used to make the reader feel like info is being received not just from two knowledgeable and dedicated professionals but rather from the trenches; from many, many parents who have been there, done that, and lived to tell about it. All polling data was received from polls taken on the website that inspired the guide: http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/. This data is successfully incorporated to bring an almost audible “every person” voice to the information.
The second section “Taking Control,” gives the reader not only the weapons for dealing with their Asperger child but also ammunition and lessons on how to shoot. There is info on the diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome as well as the most current information on treatment options such as medications and specific therapies. A good deal of time and care is spent regarding your child’s academic life and I found this section to be an invaluable tool for dealing with some less than knowledgeable (or patient) teachers and administrators.
In its final section “The Whole Child,” the guide gets down to the nitty-gritty of day-to-day life with a child with Asperger Syndrome. While dealing frankly and realistically with subjects such as bullying, teasing, and the social difficulties that Asperger kids inevitably face, the guide is written with such an unwavering optimism that the reader can’t help but glean a little of that optimism.
If you are feeling a little scared and a lot overwhelmed (or vice versa) The Oasis Guide to Asperger Syndrome should definitely be on your bedside table. Reading it is like having a great heart-to-heart talk with your best friend -- your best friend who happens to know about all there is to know about Asperger Syndrome and she’s saying, “Look! Look at all of these kids who are just like yours…and look at how really cool they are!” Job Hopper: The Checkered Career of a Down-Market Dilettante by Ayun Halliday Seal Press, $14.95 256 pages, ISBN 1580051308
Review by Stacey Greenberg
I have to admit that when I began Job Hopper: The Checkered Career of a Down-Market Dilettante by Ayun Halliday, I wasn’t sure if I was going to finish it. At first I thought it was because three out of the first five essays dealt with waiting tables in one form or another and I just couldn’t relate. But I realized that I was just pouting because there was no mention of Inky or little Milo anywhere! (This shouldn’t be surprising since the timeline of this book is years before Ayun became a mama.) Most of the reading I do these days involves parenting or children in one way or another, so it was a bit of an adjustment. I decided to take a break, fondle the latest East Village Inky (Ayun’s parenting zine) for awhile, and start anew.
To be fair, five of the fourteen essays in the book mention children, but in a “Children? What are children?” kind of way that non-mothers have whilst playing out their twenties. This is most apparent in the essay “Can You Tell Me How to Get to Sesame Street” in which Ayun describes making a mall appearance dressed as Bert. It is clearly written by Ayun, the young childfree lass, rather than the super creative and quirky mama of two from the EVI. The Bert experience is traumatic on several levels. She fears that she will suffocate, fall over, and/or injure small infants after having them thrust in her inexperienced arms for photo ops. I especially liked her musing on Bert’s uniform: "I dearly wished the licensing people over at the Children’s Television Workshop had let Bert wear regular old tennis shoes. Walking in those squashy high-tops was like navigating the surface of a marshmallow planet…on acid."
After working at a children’s museum, waiting tables, substitute teaching, selling patchouli scented hippie dresses, and posing nude (all the while attending theater school and then performing in a local troupe) Ayun finally ends up temping in a few offices. After six years of sitting in a small box from eight to five, I was completely captivated by Ayun’s artistic retelling of mundane acts such as answering the phone, making copies, and creating spreadsheets. I particularly appreciated her sexualization of office life as I am wont to do the same chez moi.
While working for an elderly man with a tick, nicknamed “Winky,” Ayun imagines what he has scribbled across his private notepad—i.e. a letter to Penthouse Forum: “My secretary writhed with pleasure atop the desk as my eight and a half executive inches plunged into the creamy slot in her torn nylons…” Ayun’s torn nylons relegate her to the category of “not FOA” (Front Office Appearance). Hence she spends a lot of time in cubicles. At one job, Ayun reminisces about a sexual encounter from the night before while riding the elevator: “Wylie was nineteen-years-old. I was so chafed I could barely stand. I fancied that the suits with whom I shared the elevator to the twenty-sixth floor could tell. The events of the weekend seemed only more deliciously romantic when considered in the fluorescent light of the corporate setting.” Now that’s what I’m talking about!
The only thing I like better than sex-capades, is bathroom humor. While working the front desk for the local free press in Chicago, Ayun’s nemesis is Felix Tatum—a coworker who insists on “laying pipe” in the small restroom beside her workstation. “When he finally departed, he left the door wide open as if he were proud of the stench he’d made, like it was a gift for me and the classified ad reps perched on high stools behind my reception desk.” I don’t want to give away one of the funniest bits of the book, but let me just say that as the mother of an almost three-year-old and an almost one-year-old, I could completely understand why she might think that a small brown droplet on the bathroom floor might be a Hershey’s kiss.
By the time Ayun has worked in a costume shop, as a telemarketer, and in an art gallery Inky and Milo were no longer on my mind and I was glad that I had stuck with the book. The last several chapters in my copy are bright yellow because I couldn’t stop highlighting funny things to put in my review. I really enjoyed Ayun’s storytelling and the much needed break from my three year “momoir” streak. I would definitely recommend Job Hopper to anyone in need of a good laugh or to the stay-at-home moms who sometimes fantasize of a day alone in a cubicle. Waiting for Birdy: A Year of Frantic Tedium, Neurotic Angst, and the Wild Magic of Growing a Family by Catherine Newman Penguin Books , $14.00 272 pages, ISBN 0143034774
Review by Jennifer Grissom
From the author of the column Bringing Up Ben & Birdy on Babycenter.com, Waiting For Birdy follows a family through one year, from discovering a new pregnancy, until the baby is three months. It explores the preparation and changes in dynamics that occurs when an "only" becomes a sibling. I found myself nodding and saying, "Exactly!" during many parts of this book (much to the amusement of my husband who was wondering why I was talking to my book). The author has a real gift for allowing you into her mind and her life.
How many of us can relate to taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test, simply because we can't believe that the results are true? After all, if they are 99.9% accurate, it could be wrong right? And if one positive result is good, then twelve positives are better! And then it finally sinks in that it really is a positive result, that there really is a new baby on the way. What mother hasn't eventually had the initial euphoria wear off and wonder if maybe this is the right time after all? The author is no different and can't help but think that maybe upsetting the family dynamics is just asking for trouble. Eventually of course, most mothers come back to excitement soon enough and start planning for the new arrival. Getting a toddler to get excited can be another issue entirely however.
Ben is three during most of the book. Like any toddler, he is inquisitive and wants to know how the world around him works and why it is like that. He wants the world to be just so and why can't it be like that always? He doesn't like the colored boxes painted for Birdy's belongings. He creates an imaginary baby "Beedy" who he uses to express his angst over the new baby. He can safely ask Beedy to go away and request Beedy to go back to the hospital, without upsetting his mommy and daddy. He wants to understand, but after Birdy is born, why does Mommy cry all the time? You can really see his mind trying to puzzle it all out.
How many parents won't relate to the anxieties that go along with being a parent? With a firstborn, just bringing them home is enough to make you wonder if are up to parenting (don't they know we don't know what we are doing?). But each child brings new worries, over health, and development, over bad things that we know can happen, but pray never will to our children. I'm sure the author and myself aren't the only ones that have stayed awake at night listening to our children breathe and worrying that while we sleep, something bad might happen. For most of us, and for the author as well, we are fortunate enough that what we are afraid is serious rarely turns out to be.
I had a cesarean like the author, and when she talks about her birth experience, I felt as though I could have written it myself. Even the uncomfortable parts of surgery and recovery can be seen in a humorous light and many people will read this book and think, "This is exactly the way it is!"
Having a baby is so much more than the physical aspects of pregnancy and childbirth. Its about excitement, anxiety, fear, concern, delight, pride, and finally, an outpouring a love that you never thought possible. As the author discovers, there is room in a mother's heart for all. There isn't a limit to how much love there is to give, and if it is all gone, too bad for the new baby. Somehow, even though our hearts are only so big, love always finds room to create love anew for another. This book helps us to remember that.
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The Oasis Guide to Asperger Syndrome: Completely Revised and Updated: Advice, Support, Insight, and Inspiration 
