Demi Moore needs to get over her postmenopausal self

Demi Moore picture from Moore's Twitter account, trying desperately not to be 51. Photo via Twitter.

Demi Moore picture from Moore’s Twitter account, trying desperately not to be 51. Photo via Twitter.

Demi Moore bugs me. She shouldn’t bug me, because I don’t know her and obviously there are much more pressing issues in my life. I shouldn’t be wasting brain cells on some run-of-the-mill celebrity, but everyone has their dumb, unworthy little ¬†annoyance triggers and for some odd reason Demi Moore is mine.

Typically, I go months without a Demi trigger, because let’s face it — she’s not all that newsworthy, but my tick was prodded yesterday after reading about how Ashton Kutcher, Demi’s former child groom, supposedly knocked up Maxim hottie fiance “it” girl, Mila Kunis. This baby news has caused tabloids to write about Demi again for the first time since her manic depressive episodes after her child groom left her for someone who is not old enough to be his grandmother. Okay, okay. I’m exaggerating. Ashton Kutcher is 36 and Demi Moore is 51, so a 15 year difference. But in the deep south, she could definitely pass as his mother.

If I am to believe the tabloids, Ashton started cheating on his elderly bride after she desperately tried to fertilize and regrow her old eggs to further her grasp on her child groom by having his dumb baby. Rumor has it (a real rumor, not her adult child with Bruce Willis), this didn’t work out so well cuz it’s hard to get pregnant when you’re 50. So maybe Ashton wanted to find someone he could spread his seeds to. Now, let it be known, I’m not sticking up for Ashton Kutcher — I’m fairly certain he’s pretty douchey himself, but he seems like a fun guy I suppose, maybe in small doses and maybe if he were somebody else.

Mila Kunis on the other hand, seems genuinely nice (she went to a Marine Ball with Sgt. Scott Moore after he asked to go with him on a You Tube video and she doesn’t tweet because she doesn’t think she’s all that important) and let’s face it, she’s pretty hot and she’s 30, not 51. So, how on earth is a 51-year-old vagina supposed to compete with this, I ask?

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According to Wet Paint, Demi is fine with her ex procreating because she now knows that she and Ashton will never be again and that the door is officially closed. Not that I believe the anonymous insider who whispered this information to the tabloids. She probably knows Demi as well as I do, but the fact that the tabloids are running with the story, because it fits the narrative of a crazy Demi Moore who has been stalking Ashton Kutcher ever since they split several years ago makes me want to slap her.

In January, Demi was spotted making out with tattooed drummer Sean Friday, 27, so obviously she has a penchant for children. His mother is 55. She and Demi could be sorority sisters.

While I concede that Demi Moore has a great body for her age, she really just needs to embrace her age and be hot for being 51, not for trying to be 16. I’m not saying that she has to wear big underwear and date grandfathers and start drinking Old Fashions, but her actions just reek of desperation, so much so that I’m actually embarrassed for her. She doesn’t need a boy half her age to make her feel worthy. She doesn’t have to be so afraid of the natural aging process, she should be proud that she looks great for her age. Demi need not make herself look foolish by partying in LA while lifting up her dress. Being classy is always more sexy.

My final words on the this subject are words of advice for Demi:

Demi! Please! Stop being such an a-hole already. Love who you want and don’t look to a young guy to make you feel attractive. Cougars belong in the wild, foraging for food, not being on stage for the world to see your insecurities.