Positive Parenting for Ann Coulter

There are two words sure to make the dyed blond hairs on the back of Ann Coulter’s neck stand on end.

Liberal Democrat?

No, that’s redundant, more like one word.

President Obama?

No, but a good guess. I’m talking about two words that categorize over ten million people in this country. No, not the number of closet Air Supply fans who sing “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” each morning in the shower. I’m talking single mothers, people! Damsels of Doom, Destroyers of Decency, Decrepit Dancers of Desertion and Deplorable Descent out to hoodwink America into buying their sob stories. That’s what I’m talking about.

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And so is Ann Coulter, in her latest round of interviews and newest book, Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on America.

Never mind that “Ann Coulter” doesn’t even make the “fear list” for most single moms and dads; the two words we fear are more along the lines of: “Mortgage Payment” and “Custody Changes.” But there’s Ann out making the case that single mothers are consigning their children to second-class status, and breeding the next generation of murderers, rapists, and strippers.

Huh?

I guess that’s why I’d like to respond to Ann’s charges a little differently than the responses already circulating the Internet. In fact, my response might be considered as outrageous as her original statements because, truthfully, Ann doesn’t need our smack-talk or jeers right now. Like any child acting out and begging for attention, what Ann needs most right now is love…a mother’s love, with some time-tested advice.

Even if it’s coming from a single mother.

So, Ann, recognizing that this historic week must be especially challenging for you, I offer you these words of guidance and support:

Be true to yourself. I have to hand it to you – you certainly seem to have this one down. Bravo! But not so fast – keep reading.

Calm down, for goodness sake! This world isn’t all about you and no one is out to get you, except maybe the greeters at my local Walmart. And that’s only because you called them the In-Bred Daughters of Satan for wearing the color of the Democratic party. It’s not their fault Walmart chose blue for their vests!

Instead, try focusing your energy on the positive. Why do you have to be so negative all the time? Why the bitterness? Do you feel sad being alone? I imagine that’s hard, but learn to love and accept and focus on your life exactly as it is, at this moment. No one wants to listen to Ms. Crabby all day long, and it causes frown lines, which, frankly, you can’t afford at your age. Try planting some flowers, or even singing “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”. If it cheered up the almost-dead guy in Spamalot, it can work for you, too.

Maybe.

Show kindness. Seeing you might need some extra help in this area, I’ve scheduled you for a 5-day intensive workshop in Tahoe to go over the specifics. Your itinerary is on its way. And, remember, if you’re a good listener, you can earn spa points for your sticker chart.

Be charitable. Give your money – and more importantly, your time – to a cause that helps those less fortunate than you. Yes, Ann. I know you think we’re all less fortunate, but hear me out: I mean those who are truly suffering – the homeless, the seriously ill, victims of domestic violence, or even those suffering from overwrought political rhetoric. Sorry, last year’s contributions to the Jerry Falwell Scholarship for Prevention of Tinky Winkydom don’t count, sweetie.

Be smart. You went to some of the top schools in the country, but being intelligent and being smart are two different things. Are you using your talents to the best of your ability? Do you say and do smart things? Do you think before you speak?

Never mind. (Note to self: add to workshop agenda.) That leads me to…

Stop the bull! No one is questioning your self-confidence or ability to grab the proverbial bull by the horns (even when the poor creature is minding his own business in the barn), but no one likes bullshit, Ann. People like bullies even less.

Sweet Jesus, listen without interrupting and use your inside voice! Every time I see you on TV you’re shouting! It doesn’t do anything for my migraines, you know – or your image as a shrill, spiteful lunatic. Try a little harder to be polite. Let other people finish their sentences and DON’T SHOUT. Trust me, we can hear Every. Single. Word. You. Say.

Get a haircut! Honey, how many times do we have to have this conversation? Eight inches off your locks and eight onto your hemline would make you look younger and less like the strippers you write about. I promise you won’t look like Katie Couric, so try it just this once. For me?

Oh, and, Ann, rumor has it that Jerry’s coming back as a transgendered African-American Scientologist, so treat others the way you’d like to be treated. Karma’s a bitch.

What kind of positive parenting tips would you share?

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