The Imperfect Parent - Articles || What's the Matter With Mommy?

PUBLISHED March, 2008
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What's the Matter With Mommy?

Haiku for the Peri-Menopausal

by Kelley Cunningham

Old Friends

Over lunch, we laugh
And share common memories.
What’s your name again?

It’s Good For You

Eight glasses a day.
I spend my days in the john
But my skin looks great.

Circle of Life

Kids soar upward and
Glow with potential and youth
As I sag and shrink.

None for Me, Thanks.

I gained two pounds just
By smelling brownies baking.
No metabolism.

Justifiable Homicide

Just let me at him:
Guy who said hair doesn’t grow
Back after waxing.

Life’s Mysteries

How come I don’t see
My long chin whisker until
After the party?

I am Empowered.

Back to work full time.
Two jobs now instead of one.
Resentful kids, too.

Super Absorbent

I bleed so much that
Tampax sends thank-you notes and
Vampires woo me.

Mobius Strip

I am not secure
Enough to let gray hair show
How secure I am.

The Three Faces of Herb

What’s that stuff that helps
Memory again? Oh, yeah:
Pinko Balboa.

Subscription

Between the Babe stage
And the Crone stage, there is one
Thing: More magazine.

Scoping You Out

What luck. I meet a
Cute doctor, but he’s doing my
Colonoscopy.

Muffin Top

Mom jeans or low-rise?
Your choice now: show butt crack and
Flab, or look dorky.

Brave New World

Once, I worried…my
Kids were speech-delayed. Now, they
Still don’t talk…they text.

“You Look Pale!”

I just realized
That my oldest son will be
Driving in two years.

Everyone Needs a Hobby

Just get used to it:
Plucking my eyebrows is now
An hourly chore.

Didn’t Think It Was Possible

I used to poop once
A day and bleed every month.
Now, it’s just reversed.

Confounding Interest

What am I doing wrong?
Auto deducts, 529’s …
Still, negative growth.

Go Figure

I’m tired but I
Can’t sleep. It’s cold, but I sweat
Like a horny hog.

Damp Basement

Hundreds of kegels.
Cross legs and sneeze … still I need
Those ghastly Poise pads.

Forgetful

Crosswords keep you sharp.
What’s a 9-letter word for
Middle-aged mother?

Hey! I’m Still Here!

What does a girl have
To do to get offensive
Wolf whistles these days?

Underwire

What is with these boobs?
Did someone deflate them when
I wasn’t looking?

Girding My Loins

Oldest is in high
School. Suddenly, college looms
Like a dark storm cloud.

Issac Newton

It doesn’t take a
Genius to see gravity’s
Effect on my ass.

The Tipping Point

At what age will I
Stop trying to be a babe
And embrace comfort?