The Imperfect Parent - Articles || What's the Matter With Mommy?

PUBLISHED August, 2005
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What's the Matter With Mommy?

Keeping it real.

by Kelley Cunningham

Reality TV is just too contrived. Why drag people to Belize and make them eat tarantulas when the real horror and human drama is as close as your frozen food section? Every mother knows that these so-called tough contestants wouldn’t last a week in our shoes, so let’s have some REAL reality shows. For instance:

“Survivor: Route 80”
The Kids Bop 5 CD will be played on a continuous loop as the mothers drive their children cross-country. The last mother who does not purposely rear-end a gasoline tanker truck or drive off a bridge in Madison County wins.

“Fear Factor”
Contestants vie for bragging rights by facing three horrifying tasks. They are:
1.Changing a diaper after a corn/raisin/Cefzil blowout.
2.Wearing a butt-floss string bikini to the town pool on a crowded Saturday afternoon.
3.Borrowing four car seats, installing them in a rickety 1988 Volvo wagon, driving five three-year olds to a community theatre performance of The Hobbit and sitting through the entire show. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Purell, a sarong from Target and the chance to take an ax to the car seats.

“I’m a Celebrity Mom! Get Me Out of Here!”
Ten A-list celeb moms go shoe shopping with their kids at Payless, pack their own kids’ lunches and bring their kids to Sears Portrait Studio for the annual Christmas picture with no help from assistants or nannies. Hilarity ensues. The first to complete all the tasks with out resorting to Vicodin or the Kabbalah wins. The winner gets nothing, just like regular moms.

“The Mole”
One of the women in the Tuesday morning playgroup is not a mother after all. See if she can fool the other mothers before she blows her cover and all hell breaks loose. Tonight: the other mothers become suspicious when "The Mole" asks for decaf!

“Manor House”
Watch a group of trailer park moms try to pass themselves as members of the Hamptons horsy set. Best episode: Jeannie Mae hides her hillbilly drawl with a passable "Long Island Lockjaw", but gives herself away when she asks where the “shitter” is.

“The Simple Life”
Park Avenue mothers have to live on a normal budget. Tonight they have only $25.00 to buy groceries for the week. Watch the hijinks as they are introduced to family pack ground beef, oatmeal and the concept of “price per unit”. Best episode: Bitsy and Muffy come to blows over the last pair of marked down Jeff Gordon NASCAR slippers in Wal-Mart.

“Queer Eye for the Frumpy Mom”
The Fab Five take on their biggest challenge: finding fabulous baby-proof covering for the Eames chair. Watch Carson have a stroke as he checks out Mom’s underwear drawer and finds yellowed nursing bras, even though the baby is seven.

“1900 House”
Mothers and their children have to live in an authentically recreated circa 1900 home with no modern conveniences whatsoever. Tonight: See a corseted Mom happily deal with diptheria and typhus. Happily? Yes indeed, for anything beats hearing that damned Bob The Builder theme one more time.

“American Idol Worship”
Mothers try to talk their kids out of craving brand-name crap like Nike and McDonald’s by exposing the manipulative evil of big business. Any mother who manages to keep her kid’s eyes from glazing over for at least thirty seconds wins. Winning mothers will receive a new wardrobe from the Gap, a week at Epcot and a Gateway PC with a Pentium processor.

“The Real World”
Six mothers leave their families and have to learn to live together in a painfully hip loft, sharing martinis and gossip. Unfortunately the show was cancelled when the mothers had so much fun that they wouldn’t leave the loft and go home. Look for the sequel: “The Real World 2, or, The Kids Are Here Looking For Us! Hide!”