New Food Reviews

Bread (any kind): Call me Jean Valjean, but this is worth 19 years in prison!!!

Sliced Tomatoes: Gonna pass, thanks.

Breton Crackers: A hand-over-fist favorite.

Cheerios: I cannot explain my primal desire to eat this crap without sugar and sometimes even without milk, but I’ll have two more bowls and an overall bib pocketful to go, please.

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Candy corn: A big fan of the original corn, I was prepared to be disappointed, but candy corn delivered in a big way!

Tomato sauce: Yeah, no.

M&Ms: I can get you the money by Friday, I just need a taste now. No? Shit. My mom has a really nice watch? (Usually accompanied by uncontrollable sustained shaking and a white-knuckle grip on the booster seat tray)

Sweet Potatoes: YAM-tastic!

Stewed Tomatoes: Great idea! Take something I already don’t like, and boil the piss out of it! Genius!

Corn Dog: Now THAT, my friend, is fusion cooking!

Asparagus: What the fuck?

Parmesan Cheese: I enjoy its decorative properties and find the violent shaking of the can wildly amusing. If you put it on anything on my plate, even at my urgent behest, I’m done eating.

Pasta: I enjoy this food with great fervor and excitement, unless of course it is served upon a day which I do not.

Oatmeal: Is it just me, or does this bowl make a disconcerting “clanky” noise when rapped monotonously with my spoon? See how disconcerting this is? Clank…clank …clank…

Cheese Pizza: This is fabulous! Bread meets cheese, what more can I say. It’s — wait, does that red stuff have tomatoes in it?

Beets: You claim to be worried about me developing a strong attachment, yet you put crap like this on my choo-choo plate.

Caesar Salad (no parmesan cheese, no tomatoes): I’ve seen tomatoes on your salad before, so no go.

Feta Cheese: Seriously, WHAT – THE – FUCK?

Hot Dogs: Anything served in its own tube is good eatin’!

(Mild) Salsa: Oh yeah, let’s try and slip tomatoes by the stupid toddler again. Fine. I guess we’re gonna do this night after night until I put it in my mouth. Here we go… Phutoooh! What did you expect? “Mmmm Nummy!?” and maybe, “Thanks Papa for continually forcing your will upon me until I caved!?”

Mac & Cheese: Yes, normally I do like it all the time but today I — no really, don’t cry Papa.

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