| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
Have you heard the latest Mom jokes?
By Kelley Cunningham
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Mom.”
“Mom who?”
“Whaddya mean, MOM WHO?”
“So these three moms walk into a bar…”
“Wait a minute! How did three moms manage...read more |
| Category: Lifestyle |
'Tis the Season
To receive the title, families must win the holiday trifecta.
By Kelly Miller
The children are so proud of themselves. We all stand around, enjoying this holiday moment. They have worked so hard, and are proud and pleased at what they have accomplished. We look on in awe; the lights are wrapped in a festive ring, not too tight,...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
Me and my Mother-tounge.
By Elizabeth Thompson
I grew up speaking Hungarian with my parents and learned to read and write the language, thanks to my maternal grandmother who insisted that at least one of her 18 grandchildren learn the "mother-tongue".
Even more so today, as a Mom...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
Need Guidance? Have Questions? Call 1-800-NUT-E-MOM!
By Kelley Cunningham
“Welcome to the Parent Help Line. Dial one for our automated menu options. Para el español, marcar por favor dos. Dial three at any time to speak to an operator. Dial four to speak to an operator who has children and knows what she’s...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Curse of the Diaper Genie
Going nuclear.
By Anne Nahm
As a mother of two small children, I could tell FTMs (first time mothers) a million little stories about how the second child is not like the first. The first child always has her hair combed, always has a clean face, always wears designer outfits...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
In Training
Tricks are for kids!
By Danielle Mutarelli
On some level I’m sure the following would be recognized as bad parenting, but we just can’t seem to help ourselves. You see, we like to teach our two and a half year old son Leo "tricks" solely for our amusement.
The most recent...read more |
| Category: Humor |
Stick a Fork in It
Ten technological marvels that help me ignore my kids.
By Brandy Stoner
A Danish company has developed the EdisonSalvo socket, an electrical socket that will probably not fry children who stick forks in outlets. (It’s shock-resistant, not shock-proof!) I and my siblings had hours of fun sticking objects in...read more |
| Category: Humor |
Really? Things Will Change?
Thanks for your two cents.
By Rachel Pelta Golinkin
When I was pregnant, people couldn’t help but give me their two cents (and four cents, and six cents and eight cents…). Apparently, people assumed I hadn’t thought this parent thing through and I wanted -– no, needed -–...read more |
| Category: Lifestyle |
Scientific Studies from the Male Point of View
What's behind door number two?
By Karen Laven
Men are warped in their own, unique way.
That is not a newsflash.
What never ceases to amaze me, however, is just how vast the crevasse that separates the sexes can be. Take monkeys for example. My husband, and father of our two children, couldn’t...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
“My Candle Burns at Both Ends” -- Poems by the great poets’ parents.
By Kelley Cunningham
The Passionate Shepherd to His Son
By Christopher Marlowe’s Dad
Come drive with me and just be quiet,
And we will live on a junk food diet
That valleys, groves, road trips, and fields,
Woods, or rest stop yields.
And we will sit upon the rocks
(If,...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
Motor CYCLE mama.
By Elizabeth Thompson
“Damn thing’s leaking oil again!”
I threw the wrench back into my tool box and squatted down closer to the engine for a better look. The wind began to pick up and the latest gust blew my short flowered skirt up over my hips. I jumped...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Signed, The Laundry Management
A new discovery while doing the wash.
By Kimberly Ripley
Parenting woes hit hard when an unassuming mother or father becomes privy to information they’d just as soon not know. I think we’ve all worn blinders when discovering a hidden handwritten note or overhearing sordid details of a phone conversation....read more |
| Category: Humor |
Thank You, Dr. Brain
Messages from my subconscious.
By Bryan W. Fields
My youngest daughter is running inside, breathless with excitement.
“Daddy, Daddy, the man from Rooms To Burn is here!”
I look out the window. Sure enough, a big white bobtail with colorful, happy letters is parked backwards in my driveway....read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
"I Spy" for Parents
By Kelley Cunningham
(With sincere appreciation and apologies to the creators of the I Spy book series)
I Spy: Laundry Hell
I spy despair and guilt, toil and Tide.
Too much laundry to even attempt to hide.
Beach towels, even though now it's Fall.
Clothes stacked...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
The End Of Summer And Resurrection Of A SAHM
By Elizabeth Thompson
"It's quiet -- too quiet!"
I'm reminded of that phrase most often heard in western movies, television and suspense novels – not to mention expressed with trepidation by perhaps every parent of a three-year-old wondering, “What’s...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Burial at Sea
We gather here today to celebrate Beatil...
By Angie Weatherly
Death is a part of life. Sad, yet true.
Four years ago the kids and I bundled up and headed to Wal-Mart, and with great merriment they pressed their faces up against the glass of the goldfish tank, oooing and ahhing at the half-dead offerings before...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Old Yeller
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??
By Juliet Johnson
In my twenties, there were days – maybe weeks -- that went by where I never spoke much or even raised my voice. I had the comforting presence of a twelve-year-old girl walking quietly to church to sing in the choir.
Now I am this:
DON'T TAKE YOUR...read more |
| Category: Humor |
Riding the School Bus
Next stop, humiliation.
By Donna Stone
Being a kid just isn’t easy. Ask any kid and learn the Class System is alive, well, and living within the school building walls. Despite parents and faculty desires otherwise, intelligence, wealth, athletic ability, and social status always seem...read more |
| Category: Humor |
The Cult of Motherhood
Come, join us...
By Kristen Chase
I hate to be the one to break this to you, but we moms have more in common with Katie Holmes than we'd like to think. That’s right. Because when we popped out that kid, we got an automatic membership to a special cult of our very own.
It’s...read more |
| Category: Humor |
The Grand Adventurer
The wonderful escapades of Princess Me.
By Heather Summerville
When I was a child, I discovered a practical way to survive boring tasks. I would simply imagine myself somewhere else. While I constantly entertained myself, others were not amused.
After each Grand Adventure, I would present my treasure (with...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Mommy I'm A Gas Station
We've all been there... right?!
By Antigone Arthur
We all screw up as parents at some time or another. Just three days ago I left my 2 month old, 17 month old and 2-and-a-half year old in the car (while it was running) while I jumped out to grab a brochure. Mind you, the brochure was an arm’s length...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Mommy Material? Not Me!
I'm just not a plop-down person.
By Hyla Sabesin Finn
Animated movies frighten me. Amusement parks nauseate me. Zoos bore me. These facts alone were enough to convince me that I should never have kids. But there was more. I couldn’t draw. I couldn’t sing. I couldn’t catch a ball without...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
A Frog Named French Fry
With my three boys, he didn't have a chance...
By Kelly Miller
With boys, it is inevitable that on any given day, your house will become a museum for the many life forms that have been captured. I have tried to implement the rule that unless pre-approved, no creature is allowed into the sanctuary of our house. Of...read more |
| Category: Humor |
Memo to Mama
Please review the following talking points.
By Sonia Elabd
M e m o r a n d u m
TO: Mama
RE: Me
Let me get straight to my point, Mama. Until a couple of months ago, things have gone pretty smoothly in my life. I’m not going to lie; things could be better. Lately, you’ve been showing your mean face...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
Don't Even Bother: The Case Against Childbirth Preparation Classes
By Kelley Cunningham
Do you feel that you were well prepared for childbirth? Were you able to distinguish the mucous plug from snot as you peered into the john for signs that labor was starting? Did you do your kegels while riding the subway to work, quite amazed that you...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
Scare thy neighbor.
By Elizabeth Thompson
“…suddenly there came a tapping,
as of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door – only
this and nothing more.”...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Kid Sense
If only more adults had it.
By Michele Miles Gardiner
Raising kids would be a lot easier if adults weren’t involved. Sure, kids whine, beg, tend to be messy and basically act their age most of the time. But so many grown-ups, with enough years spent on this planet to know better, are more confused...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Imperfections
I wanted to give birth to a teenager.
By Jessica Carlson
Ten little toesey-woesies and finger-wingers. That baby smell and the smallish clothes.
Save it for baby huggers and those who flip into an embarrassing baby-entertaining persona, which comes with contorted faces and high pitch squeals. I was born to...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Birth Control
Whatever happened to the waiting room?
By Timothy J. Coles
I will start out by telling you that my youngest child is now old enough to vote. This is a matter of some amazement to me. There is just no way that I am old enough to have a son that old, let alone his brother and sister who are even older. I am sure...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
The Swing Set
If you build it, they will prefer the old one.
By Angie Weatherly
As a parent, it's my responsibility to teach my children about fairness, sharing, and taking turns. At least that's what that child-rearing book says. But as someone who's tired of hearing screaming, screeching, and incessant whining, my main concern...read more |
| Category: Humor |
The IP Guide to Parent/Teacher Conferences
It's that time of year again, the time when we get to take time from our busy schedules, sit in an undersized chair, and listen to a litany of complaints about our children. In our ongoing quest to help Imperfect Parents™ everywhere, we've compiled...read more |
| Category: Lifestyle |
The IP Bookshelf
Once Upon a Tomb: Gravely Humorous Verses By J. Patrick Lewis; illustrated by Simon Bartram
Once Upon a Tomb: Gravely Humorous Verses
By J. Patrick Lewis; illustrated by Simon Bartram
Candlewick; $16.99
32 pp.; ISBN: 0763618373
Review by Amy Brozio-Andrews
Tempering the serious subject of death with jokes, puns, and just plain poking fun,...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
You Can't Take It With You
I just want to take it. Just this. Nothing else.
By Juliet Johnson
“Can I take this to school today?”
Nathan has a purple beach bucket loaded with a flashlight, a Sponge Bob wallet, stuffed with fake money and old credit cards, three rocks and some crackers. This is how it started. First it was crying at...read more |
| Category: Humor |
Ask the Angry Baby
Ex-wives, temperaments, junk food and public discipline.
I am a single father with custody of my two children but I send my ex-wife money every month to help her with expenses. The problem is my ex-wife buys the kids anything they want. Is this right?
You say mommy's gone, and you are alone with two spoiled...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
Save a dog -- adopt a mommy!
By Elizabeth Thompson
I have this problem.
Actually, I didn’t know it was a problem -- isn’t that how it typically goes? -- I mean, at least I didn’t feel it was such a big deal in thinking:
“No sweat; I could handle it!”
I was wrong.
Then...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
Free association nation.
By Kelley Cunningham
“Mom, do we have our own gravitational pull?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“We just don’t…”
“I’ll ask Dad.”
“Are you studying gravity in…”
“Mom?...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Sleeping In
My first morning of staying in bed late -- sort of.
By Daphne Dykeman
After a week of working nights, my husband wasn’t in the best frame of mind for this particular question, but I had forgotten to ask it earlier.
“Andrew?” I gently prodded the still form beside me.
“Mm-hmmm?” he replied,...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Daisy Guilt
Overcoming my Post-Traumatic Girl Scout Stress Disorder.
By Joan Alexander
“But Mom, everyone’s doing it!” says my youngest.
Five years old and already she’s a sucker for peer pressure. I start to think of all the awful things that will happen to her in the future because of this… tongue piercings,...read more |
| Category: Humor |
New Food Reviews
By my two-year-old son, to whom most foods are new.
By Chris Steck
Bread (any kind): Call me Jean Valjean, but this is worth 19 years in prison!!!
Sliced Tomatoes: Gonna pass, thanks.
Breton Crackers: A hand-over-fist favorite.
Cheerios: I cannot explain my primal desire to eat this crap without sugar and sometimes...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
I'll have an eggnog. And make it a double.
By Kelley Cunningham
Well, the Halloween candy has been condensed down to one bowl, and all of the Fun Size Snickers have been picked out of it. You know what that means. It’s time for Christmas preparation.
Am I the only one who dreads this time of year? I make Scrooge...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
Chicken Soup for the Aspetic Soul
By Elizabeth Thompson
"So, how bad is it? Do you need me to take a sick day?"
My husband’s eyes were fixed on the television as he continued to iron his dress shirt while waiting for my answer.
He didn’t get one.
I was sitting on the end of our...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
I resolve...
By Kelley Cunningham
It’s the start of a new year, and that means it’s time for a fresh start. This year, O Mighty Being o’ the Clouds, I shall let the Evolved Woman/Smarty Pants/Total Babe Within shine.
La la la…where to begin? So many IMPROVEMENTS...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
CAUTION: I Brake For Heaven’s Sake!
By Elizabeth Thompson
My husband and I spent weekends shopping around for our “starter home,” never expecting that the street in front of our new house would resemble a stock car race. Living those first few months as weekend warriors, the constant stream...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
Super(mom)model.
By Kelley Cunningham
I was watching the Today show the other morning, and two mothers were discussing with Meredith Vieira whether or not it was okay to have a cocktail during a playgroup. I cannot believe this is actually a topic worthy of a debate on national television....read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
Wake me up when puberty ends.
By Elizabeth Thompson
My daughter (the middle girl child) woke up one morning, not too long ago, and was telling me about the dream she had concerning a certain rock-star-who-shall-not-be-named.
“Who?”
[nods head and yawns]
“You know, rock-star-who-shall-not-be-named,...read more |
| Category: Parenting |
Stage Dad
My son's first day of work.
By Clay Champlin
The chubby, naked baby on our last Christmas card is the cutest damn thing you’ll ever see. I’m not just saying this because I’m the chubby, naked baby’s father, either -- my wife’s talent agency agrees. The woman who books...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
Mommy Mensa (or How the Kids Ate My Brain)
By Kelley Cunningham
A friend of mine told me that there is one month every year that you can take the Mensa test and, if you pass, join the eggheads of the world in their elite club.
I’m not sure what you would receive as a reward for achieving Mensa status. It’s...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
Growing Pains
Having faith and eating meat, too.
By Elizabeth Thompson
My parents were not regular church-goers for various reasons -- personally, I believe that a large part was due to their trouble getting married in the eyes of the church because they were not being able to prove, conclusively (having defected from a...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
Green mommy.
By Kelley Cunningham
What does one do with old, outgrown toys and other kid detritus? It’s great if you have a small niece or nephew around to hand it all down to, and it’s more than admirable to donate it to the Salvation Army. Another option, though, is to reuse...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
The Children's Learning Institute
By Kelley Cunningham
Professor Emeritus: Dennis the Menace
Professors: Bam-Bam Rubble, Calvin and Hobbes, Eddie Haskell
Senior Lecturers: PigPen, Lucy VanPelt and Max from Where the Wild Things Are
Guest Lecturers: Everybody Else’s Kids
Course Offerings for the...read more |
| Category: Columnists |
What's the Matter With Mommy?
WHAT did you just call me??
By Kelley Cunningham
The other night I was reading a book about starfish to my youngest. As we counted the starfish’s fingers or whatever they are, he corrected me.
“Mom, they’re not called starfish anymore. They are SEA STARS. Teacher said.”
“Really?”...read more |
