Dreams Denied: The Feeling I Ruined My Life by Having Kids

Dreams Destroyed and Depression



There is a water stain on the ceiling above my bed, created one night when the roof decided to leak. I stare at it often, early in the morning, when the only thing stirring is my mind. While the sun is rekindled from blackened ash, thoughts of escape creep into my head. It is the color of my morning coffee – café’ au latte’ – sweet with cream. And it is driving me mad.

This stain, this black mark upon my dawn, has become an omen. How else could it haunt me so?


Somehow, whether a fluke of nature or the twisted device of the Gods, this puddle of water dried into the shape of the contiguous United States.

This stain is there to remind me, morning after morning, that I am going nowhere. Not to the next state, not across the country, and certainly not around the world as I once dreamed. I am stuck in this muddy rut of my life with no vehicle of motion in sight. Somehow, while I wasn’t paying attention, I became a rusted-out jalopy, with wires hanging from my undercarriage and two flat tires. Obviously, I am going nowhere.

When I was a child, I dreamt of far off, exotic places. Ancient temples, pavilions, and cathedrals were my destiny. I would walk along the Roman Aqueducts. I would spit from the Eiffel Tower. I would stare at the same churches that Monet painted ad nauseam. I was going places. I was so sure of my future back then. Life was going to be one big, never-ending discovery. I was hopeful and excited.

And now, I spend my days circling the wagons about the camp, trying to keep my two children from doing harm to one another, while changing out the laundry and fighting the constant derivation of dirty dishes.

This watermark has shown me my limitations in life. It shows me just how far that I will never go. It is darker around Texas, my birthplace. I haven’t been there since I was an infant, and realistically, I will never go back. My ceiling holds no Europe, no Far East, no island archipelago. Distant lands are so far out of reach for me that they are not even on my freak-of-nature map.

I glare above me, wiping my bleary eyes, while dreaming of places close by, but still out of my limited reach. New York, where life is vibrant and mobile. Louisiana, where the bayou nestles each looming, moss-draped plantation. Wyoming, where horses gallop into the pastel horizon. There are places I long to witness with my own fallible eyes, to capture the moments that no camera can.

I dream of little towns, sprinkled across the country. Places just like the Eastern Shore where I have lived most of my life. Given my meager existence, I’d like to think that it is possible for some other woman, trapped by the circumstances of her life and cursed by a leaky roof, to look up at her stained ceiling in cadence with me each and every morning. Maybe she misplaced her dreams as well. Or better yet, maybe she lost them and then found them again. I need to talk to that woman.

That comforts me, to know that I am not alone in longing for what I will never have. It has to be possible, it just has to. I can’t be the only woman in America, the Land of the Free, to feel jailed by her responsibilities.

Not to say that I regret having a family. I suppose sacrificing my life, the life that I once yearned to have, is but a small down payment on the possibilities of my children’s futures. I am the one that suffers for the good of the masses. My son could develop a cure for cancer. My daughter might bring about world peace. My children may impact the world as we know it in a very large and positive way.

Maybe the whole Equal Rights movement has duped women in a major way. In gaining equality for all, we were led to believe that we could, in fact, have it all. Women’s Lib gave us the right to dream big, but the reality of motherhood does not allow for the fruition of those dreams.

watermarkceilingA woman may become a groundbreaking archeologist unearthing treasures in Egypt, but a dutiful mother may not. A woman may find a cure for cancer in some ant-built dung heap in Africa, but what mother would drag her children to the perilous plains? A woman could become the next Shakespeare, penning literary gold that will be read for generations to come – but not as long as she’s birthin’ babies and chasin’ rugrats.

Women now have the right to vote, attend prestigious schools, and shatter the glass ceiling – if they are willing to forego motherhood, or at least postpone it. A woman can be anything that she wants to, but most of what she wants is not compatible with having small children underfoot.

In my mind, we are no better off than the women of Jacob who wove textiles, nursed babes and dreamt of the illusive golden palace where servants  would attend to their every whim. In thousands of years, women have gotten nowhere.

So what is the difference between today’s women and the Jacobite women? They knew not to waste time longing for the unattainable, their roles in society were well defined and thus, abided by. Whereas, we do our motherly duties begrudgingly and stare at the water-stained images emblazoned on the ceiling at the start of each day, trying to decide whether it is acceptable to want more than what we already have.

The only solace seems to be this: I accept my lot in life and immerse myself in its daily tasks. After a full day of mothering the children and the house, I am too tired to covet a life that I don’t have. I fall asleep abruptly and without dreams, for there is no room for dreams here.

The night will pass quickly, and I will be fine – until I awake in the morning to face my watermarked reverie. Thankfully, my gaze then falls to an angel baby, fast asleep in her bassinet. She is real. She is my heart. And she is definitely within my reach. I just pray that she, along with my rambunctious son, will be enough to quiet the tumultuous waters of desire.

They have to be.

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  • Hilary Cat

    I agreed with everything you said, except for the martyr part. You don’t have to be the one who “suffers for the good of the masses.” If you neglect yourself you’re not doing your kids any good. People always say their kids could cure cancer someday, but cancer’s still here, and probably will be forever. No need to have unrealistic dreams for them. But I do believe kids ruin lives, I’ve seen it time and time again. None of the women in my own family wanted kids, but were duped by society into having them. They were all miserable being mothers…it needs to stop. Women need to learn to say no to domestication, but of course society will give them hell for it in order to keep them in line.

    • Green Jeans

      I totally agree that having a child should not be the mark of a good, successful or happy woman. Society should never pressure a woman into having children she doesn’t want. But if you already have children, please don’t give up hope for your own needs and life. There will be time and you will find a way if you are determined enough.

  • MechMan

    One exception to the bit about becoming through next Shakespeare is J.K. Rowling, who had multiple children when she penned the Harry Potter books. I think though that a woman who wants children and a career needs to have a supportive husband whose own goals work well with hers, i.e. maybe he can work from home and care for the children when she is at work.

    • PrettiestLilAngelYoullEverReve

      And it took her YEARS to write the first one because of those kids

  • Nobody important

    I feel exactly like this. I feel like I gave up everything I ever dreamed of….

    • Jenny

      This is heartbreaking and exactly how I feel every day of my life, I sent a message to someone tonight that read “I feel like I’ve been given a prison sentence.” I too had so many hopes and dreams and now I feel they are gone forever. I had my first child very young and I can’t forgive myself for it, it lead me down a complete different path. Then I got married and had another child and my fate is now sealed. I will be in my fifties when the glimpse of any real
      Freedom is revealed and honestly I will never have mental freedom ever again because once you have a child, motherhood is forever and I don’t even want to get into how their grief is your grief. The only thing I can offer is that I too share your pain and I am right here with you….

      • Green Jeans

        I’m glad you have good friends to talk to and be honest with. Isolating yourself or feeling ashamed would make it worse. I have not succeeded in pursuing a career or hobbies or extensive travel while having small children. But many women do! Can you look to some women who have children and are doing what you want to do for inspiration? If you had more help (physically or financially), could you work on those parts of your life you are missing? Can scheduling short, regular getaways, even just an hour’s drive away, with friends or loved ones help? Your kids will gradually grow less dependent as they age. Fifty is NOT old! My mom is 75 and travels extensively and is so happy.

        • Velma

          It’s all to do with support and money. This is where it’s wrong . Mother’s are expected to be miracle workers. I did everything alone but lost my job hard to get back ini work. Now everyone around me looks down at me for having no job. So much judgement and discrimination being a mother and single mother worse . Society does not favour mother’s at all, single mothowho are successful and eirkiwo in careers usually have had a lot of help from families etc .when youre pushed out like in victorian times, believe that it’s no joke.

    • Anon

      Having a kid has just been the worst experience I could imagine, other than perhaps aggressive cancer. Every part of our lives has just gone to hell.

      I used to look forward to getting off work so much to spend evenings and weekends with my wife, either going out to trendy bars and noted restaurants, or just leisurely evenings at home enjoying each other’s company. That’s over.

      We’re constantly either looking after him, prepping things for his care, or cleaning up after him in an endless cycle of chores. The only time life feels good is when he’s either asleep or a babysitter is looking after him–basically, when he’s out of the equation.

      Most of all, it’s absolutely DESTROYING our marriage and relationship. This mistake is costing me everything that has ever been dear to me. If God came down and said “hey Anon, I’m going to give you a choice. If you press this button, you’ll go back to before your wife got pregnant and you’ll tell her that you’re not going to do it. She’ll leave you over it. Also, I’m going to take 20 years off your life. Deal?” I’d take it in a heart beat.

    • Somewhere out there

      Me too..

    • T.A.

      I know how you feel…but on a serious note: what were we doing that was so fucking groundbreaking before we had kids? A lot of us really believe we gave p dreams and shit…but did we really have the talent to pull those dreams off in the first place? If we had wouldn’t we have found a way?

      • Cara

        Why does it have to be groundbreaking to matter? Maybe it is just the simple pleasures like travel, hobbies, or a host of perfectly mundane things that just require free time, extra money, or not being shackled to a child all day every day.

        I was never going to cure cancer, write the next great American novel, or broker peace in the Middle East. But, I liked long distance running which I can barely ever do anymore because I have to be on call all day to attend to my kid. I live like his servant. My life isn’t my own anymore. Even if I wanted to just lay in bed on a Sunday until 11 and read a book, that’s off the table now.

        I’d gladly trade whatever groundbreaking breakthrough I’d ever have in me in order to have those back. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I honestly wonder what people are on when they say this is the most fulfilling experience. It takes no brainpower, talent, or really anything other than an appetite for endless amounts of brainless drudgery.

      • Steve

        I used to be a musician, I had health and happiness. I was about to move to the states. I live in Italy and I don’t like living here at all. Then I got the first son and my wife won’t ever leave this house. This is her parents house and they live downstairs (nightmare for me). Now I’m stuck here with two kids, a wife that doesn’t get what I’m going through and talking to you because I’m desperate. My health is getting worse and maybe I could have reumatoide arthritis. Am I finished as a musician? Maybe, I’m 33 and I will regret for not having even tried to move abroad. Actually my kids keep shouting since 5,30 am it’s 8.00 am and I can’t take it anymore. My kids are 2 years and four months old and the second is 14 months old. I always believed that life is beautiful but sometimes it can be horrible

  • Tom

    This article really hits home for me. I had an amazing, happy, fulfilling life before our son. After he was born, it seems as if now my only value in life has become just as some kind of support drone. It’s like once you become a parent, you’re not a person anymore with hopes, dreams, needs and desires that (gasp!) have nothing to do with your child.

    My marriage is dying from neglect. I live in solitude even though I never have a moment to myself. I’ve lost everything. My glamorous, engaging and witty lover is now just a platonic co-worker in a housecoat that seems to regard me with a mix of indifference or annoyance. I used to own a beautiful loft apartment that was my home. The baby is now clearly the lord and master of the home with his clutter everywhere, while I have to tip-toe around in the dark of my former home like a burglar so as to avoid disturbing him. I used to have a good social life and enjoyed going out to bars and restaurants. Well, that’s shot now. In the space of a year, I have went from being the happiest person I know to being in therapy over the grief I feel at what my life has become.

    Every single day, I regret becoming a parent. I had a very sad realization recently. When I used to day dream while running, I used to dream about what the future may hold for me. Now I can only dream about what could have been. Unlike the author, I’ve never been able to find peace or acceptance.

    • Green Jeans

      I feel a great deal of empathy for what you are going through. Please, please don’t believe that it’s unchangeable or that you and your partner can figure it out alone. Get a good therapist. What’s the harm in that? A good one can help you see the impermanence and normalcy of your feelings, and give you advice on how to maintain a self and a romantic relationship in addition to having a child. I wish that I had gone more thoughtfully and consciously into parenting, and asked for help instead of being ashamed to talk about my feelings. Maybe now I’d be in a much better place. You can’t change the fact that you have a child, but you can change how you deal with that fact in a positive way.

      • Tom

        Thank you for the support. I have a therapist now, but I’m not sure how good he is. I tell him a lot, but not a lot comes back. I can do that at church for free. Also, he seems obsessed with my childhood. I play along, but I need help with today’s problems, not things that happened 20-30 years ago.

        Things with my partner are getting worse. I think that if I had her “back” that it would be easier for me to work through this. Without going into detail, she resents me for the way I feel (even though I’d bet my life her own feelings aren’t very far off) and also because I wasn’t supportive enough to her in the pregnancy and shortly after birth and she’s having a very hard time forgiving me. I believe a good portion of it is fair, but a lot of it isn’t. I have some of my own issues with her and what she’s been doing (won’t get into it, but she’s done some things that are not Ok), but I am willing to put them in the past so that we can have a future. She’s having a harder time with that.

        Unfortunately, I think things are heading towards divorce. I am willing to keep working and trying, but I won’t stay trapped in a life I hate forever. I suspect she will pull the plug first, though. The saddest part of that is that a big part of me looks at that possibility as salvation. And I say that while still loving my wife with all of my heart and loving her unconditionally. True love may be unconditional, but marriages and relationships aren’t.

        To know that I may have to walk away (or more likely be sent away) from her forever and for all those adventures untravelled, plans undone, paths untaken and dreams to be forgotten is devastating beyond words. I’t not his fault, but every time I see my son, I can’t help but think “Not worth it. Not even close.” And I feel so guilty and horrible for it. But damn it if it isn’t 150% true, and all the denial and fake grins in the world won’t change it. Not worth it. Not even close.

      • Velma

        I asked for help but only help I got was being told what to do by my ex’s family

    • T.A.

      it gets worse.

      • Tom

        Actually T.A., it got so bad that couldn’t anymore. We’re divorcing. As horrible, painful and traumatic as it is…. there is actually a peace to it because there is now a light at the end of the tunnel and I now see a way to healing. It’s a ways off, but I will. I believe I will be able to rebuild my life.

        It will be a pale shadow of what it could have been with my wife and I had we had the wisdom to be child-free, but better to live with a pale shadow rather than the twisted mockery which I am escaping. Maybe not as vividly or as brightly as I once did, but I will live again.

    • Sadmommy

      Your story made me lol, mainly when you said you tiptoe as not to disturb him. Im glad i found this article & comment section because sometimes i feel crazy. Im glad to know im not alone but sad that others feel the way i do at the same time. Maybe theres a reason for it all we just arent seeing yet.

      • Regretful

        You’re not crazy at all. It is a relentless nightmare and I feel every day as if I’ve been scammed out my life.

      • Velma

        It’s the way society has made it. The perfect family perfect child .Ridiculous

  • Green Jeans

    I hope you are able to travel with your children. As they get older, it becomes easier, and more fun. I also hope there will be a time when they’re a bit older and someone can watch them for you so that you can travel alone or with friends.

    • MicheleAmabile

      LOL! LOL! LOL! Ever seen the price of airfare? you absolutely CANNOT travel with your children.

      • anon 5654345


      • Anon

        I’ll do you one better. Have you ever paid the money for the extra ticket, booked the extra hotel room or space, and then seen how it went? It’s basically just the same frustrating, mindless caretaking, except away from your home setup and likely harder.

        So, basically, you pay double and are lucky if you even get to do half of the things you want to do, and even then probably only have a quarter of the fun because you’re still mired in the same exact drudgery of childminding.

        Travel used to be one of my passions. But now, there is just no point at all. You pay through the nose and get nothing out of it but frustration and regret.

        • JennaT

          Yes! Every time we go on “vacation” I remember that there’s no such thing as vacation for a mom. It’s just an extra expensive way to spend all of your time caring for others and taking crap from them, but in a nicer setting. I recently took a weekend getaway child-free for the first time in a decade and it was the best time I’ve ever had. An actual vacation.

    • Velma

      Not when your child refuses school with anxiety, then it becomes the worst possible nightmare with little support from docs etc, waiting for your child to go out in the world, feeling trapped than when they were a baby .

    • TrueLoveIsSelfLove

      It does not get easier. It gets worse. I’m 61…It does not get easier.

  • saccii

    I feel very similar. After reading other comments, I think my problem is less my kids and more so the fact that I have a completely unsupportive husband. I blame the kids for his actions but his actions are his own.
    I was ready to start a family. I just started it with the wrong person. It’s a very confusing time right now….

  • Casey

    I don’t have children. I never really wanted them until after my mom and uncle died recently. All of a sudden I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I’m 35, gay and have never even had sperm in my body before until 2 months ago when my partner and I tried the turkey baster method. I was so scared, nervous and excited. One week after trying, my partner lost her job. All of a sudden I went into a deep panic and prayed I wasn’t pregnant because how could we afford a child if we can’t even hold jobs? I wasn’t pregnant. I was both relieved and saddened. Then for about 2 months, I was very anti-child again. Now, I’m wanting one desperately and also being absolutely repulsed by the idea of having my life ripped from me…all in a matter of hours. I’m so back and forth in such a drastic way, I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. The thought of having this child and raising them and knowing that love feels so warm and amazing. But, then I think about being tied to this creature for life and I have intense anxiety. It’s so black and white and confusing. I don’t have much time left to decide. Hell, I don’t even know if I can get pregnant. Part of the issue is that I’m uncomfortable with the idea of actually being pregnant. Something about that makes me feel vulnerable and insecure. I just don’t know how to feel or think. I don’t want to be 45, it be too late, and I regret it. I’m so lost. Im so afraid that I’ll be a bad mother like my mom, too. I’m afraid I’ll resent them like she resented me. But, I so want to experience this world of loving a child of my own. Its tearing at me everyday.

    • Greg

      There is so much bullshit out there about what life is like as a parent. Part of it is because people will throw huge stones at you if you say anything other than it being the greatest gift in the world and that your kid pisses sunshine.

      The real truth is that its an incredibly shitty experience and the handful of cute things like them drawing a picture for you to put on the fridge or losing a tooth just don’t come anywhere near the incredible amount of soul crushing drudgery that you *will* experience every day. Read that again. Every day. Every minute of every day. And the unconditional love bit? Complete bullshit. If you want that, get a dog. The minute you don’t do what your whiny, sniveling brat wants, you watch and see how far that unconditional love nonsense goes.

      Do you like having a social life? Well, can’t do that anymore. Someone will have to watch the baby. Even if they’re asleep. Why? Because “something” might happen.

      Like your relationship with your partner? It’s going to get absolutely ruined.

      Do you have hobbies or free time? That’s done.

      Do you like having some extra money? Not anymore.

      How about travel? Do you like that? Well, you used to.

      What are your dreams? The’ll probably be completely over. Oh, and nobody will have sympathy for you if you have a problem with it. Nobody will give a shit about you anymore other than for your capacity to support your kid.

      So, in short, if you like being a person with a social life, any modicum of freedom, money, dreams and romance, forget this foolishness and save yourself.

      • Andrew

        Seems like a bit of a selfish attitude. The parents of everyone complaining on here sacrificed a hell of a lot to give you all the great life you claim to have lost. Maybe they should have kept their lives as they were and not had kids …

        • Greg

          So, my parents had a shitty experience, so I should run my life into the ground or else some dude on the internet might call me selfish. Got it.

          Wow! Are you like a sage or something?! My life is SAVED! To think, I was going all those years pursuing my dreams, thinking I was happy when I was just being a selfish jerk!

          Good thing that’s over! Wow, thanks for the redirect on that man!

        • TrueLoveIsSelfLove

          Nope. I had it both ways. Selfish parents and a special needs son. Sorry, no glory here.

      • Greg

        But, yeah, see that? Nobody cares about you in any capacity other than your ability to be a support machine. Already got the first “derp, you’re selfish for wanting to be happy, hurr!” comment.

        Selfishness only exists when you owe somebody something, and short them because you’re looking out for yourself. Example: Choosing not to put your hand on the stove because you like having skin is not selfish. It’s just a lack of stupid.

        You don’t owe it to the cosmos to have a kid. Maybe if there was a nuclear apocalypse or something and we needed to repopulate, then maybe people could cluck at you about selfishness by not having a kid.

    • NN

      Get a plant. If you find looking after it pleasurable. Good! Then get a pet. If you don’t mind taking care of it. Good! Then go and do some babysitting. On a numerous occasions. If you think that you can cope with the amount of work and (this is big) responsibility till the end of your days then give baby a go.

      PS: inform your partner that for the next couple of years there won’t be any lay-ins, nights out, social life, travelling, time for hobbies and discussions you can finish straight away.

      Oh, and woman’s body never returns to it’s pre-pregnancy shape.

      Mum of 6 & 4 y.o.; rebel fighting for her dreams every single day.
      If I ever stop fighting it means I’m dead already…

  • T.A.

    I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. I am a single mother whose firstborn just turned 18. I will never take care of another human being as long as I live. I am resentful for all of the struggle, the loss of youth and time, the massive depression which overshadowed my life and will never go away. But on the other hand– the brats grow up and leave and I am so much tougher now than I ever was. And there will never be a man on earth who can tame me or tell me what the fuck to do. Now for the revenge.

  • DD123

    I needed this today. I say every day that having kids ruined my life. My family doesn’t get it. My friends don’t get it. I feel so alone.

    So tomorrow morning, I will stare at my ceiling and know that at least one other person feels the way I do. Thanks for being brave enough to share.

    • C E Phillips

      Then throw special needs or illness on top of it all.

  • Kayla

    I feel completely opposite. Everyone Is entitied to thier own opinion and I’m not trying to sway anyone elses, I’m just hoping someone will read this and maybe see the bright side to all of this. Before I got pregnant at 19 there was very few days that was spent without my friends. I enjoyed going to partys and doing what I wanted when I wanted without a worry in the world. I was so care free I even dropped out of high school (stupid I know). I fell pregnant by a man whom I’d only known for a short time (judge as you please, I know I was not innocent) and my world turn upside down I cried day in and day out because I knew this man wasn’t going to help me. At 19 I wanted to be with my friends and drink and have a good time, but after I saw those two pink lines I knew all of that was over. Months went by and I gave birth to a little boy. I didn’t realize how he would save my life at the time but I thank God every day for him. I spend my days making food that he doesn’t eat, bathing him knowing he will be dirty again in 20 minutes, picking up after him knowing it won’t stay clean, hearing my name called 10 thousand times a day, kissing booboos, and folding tiny clothes, but my life also consists of going to the park and fishing, laughing untill it hurts because hes got spaggetti coming out of his nose, going on walks holding his tiny hand, chasing him around the house with my tickle hand, and all the hugs, kisses and i love yous i could ever need. My life has definatly changed. As a mother having a clean house is rare but that’s okay. It’s okay to have a dirty house and it’s okay to be frustrated. Some days I feel as if I have so many chores I can’t handle it but the truth is, kids or not I’ll always have chores. I realize I’ll not party again for a long time but I don’t care. That boy is my world and iv done the best I can for him. Had he not come in to my life I would have never went back to get my GED and went to collage to become a nurse. I take my boy to daycare everyday I stay a good 20 minutes just to say goodbye and I rush home to pick him up. I still do the things I’ve always dreamed of, now I just have someone to share it with.

    • Tom

      Having a child is not for everyone, but for some, it’s really their calling. God bless and keep you both.

    • Jennifer Sardam

      I don’t think I even knew real love and connection like what I have felt for my kids. They changed my life too.

  • Ziya ali

    I am feeling the same way today ..a mother of 2 beautiful children i love them to bits but feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life by having them..i wanted to be an independent woman and have a good job ..but ended up being married off by my parents ..had kids to make my marrige strong and i am just doing cooking and cleanning daipers and taking care of my kids and husband .. i dont even have close friends ..and baby sitters cost a fortune now days … getting time for myself is immpossible. I guess we mothers dont really have a choice.

    • Fred

      Try being a husband that makes the wrong choice when given the ultimatum of a baby or a divorce. Every day it is like a hot iron in my eye that I didn’t pack her bags myself.

  • Jenna

    I can empathize with the hard work and effort and feeling immobilized.

    However, talking about missing out on dreams of traveling and such is strange. I guess because I haven’t had kids and I’ve seen Wyoming – and it’s practically white trash, trailer parks and rolling hills from one border to the next. When it comes to America – especially the midwest – it’s pretty much all white trash. Baltimore used to be a beautiful city but now it’s practically the 3rd world. There are also some pretty weird places in Oregon and Virginia. Florida is a sh#thole. Colorado and Alaska are really the only states worth going to. And I could only handle Alaska for a couple of days because the sun only sets in the summer for a couple of hours. There’s nothing weirder than being drunk at 2am when it’s light outside. All I remember from Alaska was being hung over.

    Europe is pretty bad too. They keep letting in Muslims by the millions and it’s almost to the point that the whole cluster of countries is a No Go Zone. You can see the live leak clips on twitter of Muslim gangs chasing down police officers and citizens in countries like France and Germany, Sweden, Britain. Women are getting raped all over Europe. Egypt is Islamic too. Not very safe all around. I have to go to Britain this next Summer to get in a Summer Semester for my Finance Major. Needless to say, having to dodge Muslim terror attacks and drunk brits with bad teeth isn’t my idea of a good time. I’d much rather have a baby. But my boyfriend and I can’t afford it right now so I have to get this Finance/Accounting Degree before I miss my fertility window.

    And speaking of Finance/Accounting. There’s nothing more dis-enlightening than working in a cube farm. And any kind of management position you’re still babysitting – just not your kids – but grown adults that most certainly like to act like children. I’ve worked in a handful of industries and can tell you that most are really no fun. Same goes with college majors. And as far as curing cancer goes – I read this book on HER2 breast cancer and they said that most cancer research has nothing to do with science – it’s only a sham for organizations to make money. Cancer research is just as corrupt and politicized as every other industry. Best just to focus on low sugar, healthy, fresh fruit, vegetable, whole food, and lean meat diets as a way to prevent cancer.

    So that’s the world we live in from a 30-something year old that’s tried everything under the sun.

    The only thing that matters are your kids and who knows, maybe try writing a book, making youtube videos, or inventing a patent or something. That can be done anywhere. Maybe Europe will clean itself up and you can travel with your kids when they’re older.

    • Don Rodrigo Hernando-Galvez

      If you’re so hateful that can’t find anything of value in the whole world, college or career, good luck with the baby. I’m sure you will find the enlightenment that escaped you in your vast travels through the neo-cosmopolitan wonders of Wyoming through quelling mindless screaming at all hours of the night that occurs for absolutely no reason, wiping up bodily fluids, or basically being responsible every minute of your life for the constant nutrition, hygiene, and entertainment of an unreasoning giant meatloaf that absolutely will prevent or impair anything else you want to do.

      • Anonymous

        You nailed it. It’s sad that the people who DO have the freedom, apparently don’t appreciate it!😂😞

    • marleybell

      i hear you jenna. i never had kids, but what you are trying to say is that the grass is not greener on the other side. i am a 57 year old female. had two miscarriages. one at age 38 and one at age 45. i traveled all over europe. and as far as this country, america, goes, i see it coast to coast as never ending 7 11s and fast food, with neighborhoods and attractions sprinkled in between. i worked in a cube farm. it sucked until i applied to my local police dept. and became a cop. it was the highlight of my life. i loved the job. until i got leukemia and had to retire. collect my pension and it saved me. good luck young lady.

      • Anonymous

        You have to know where to look. It’s true there will always be fast food and 7-11s everywhere, and sure that’s *slightly* depressing, but you just have to have an adventurous eye and seek out places of interest. San Francisco has a naked beach and lots of fun places to see, in fact just jogging on the hills itself is a ton of fun. Berkeley is incredible, Santa Cruz CA, Portland, there’s beauty everywhere.
        I had a baby because I knew if I didn’t have one with my boyfriend he would leave me in the future even though I didn’t want to have kids. He really wanted kids and I really Didn’t. This was the Dumbest thing I ever did. I went against my deepest desires just so he wouldn’t leave me later On. She’s almost a year old and He still doesn’t have a job and we never have sex, ever. Ever.
        Our baby was born with a serious congenital heart defect that ran in my boyfriend’s family and I had no idea about it!!! She was born with half a heart and this ruined our bonding experience. My life now S U C K S. I have PTSD from her heart surgeries dealing with rude nurses trying to make money off of her saying she needs a g tube when I know she just doesn’t drink cows milk. That was long ago and EVERY NIGHT I have Flashbacks of her surgeries , traumatic insidious images / memories of her lines wires, procedures, very very traumatic .
        I work extra hard making her organic home cooked foods , she takes meds every 12 hours, and I have to think carefully about how to help her avoid the next surgery…..now, nobody gives a shit about me. She’s taken center stage and all my ideas for animated movies innovative video games and original music are getting burned. It’s so expensive being a parent. Food diapers and clothes , you never stop buying clothes and even if you get them at Walmart it adds up. I never sleep well she wakes up crying a lot, it makes my heart pound from anxiety. I pay everything, and get nothing. It’s winter and I haven’t been able to wash my clothes in almost a month, and because she doesn’t let me sleep I’ve had a bad immune system that’s gotten me hacking extra mucus for two whole months. Her heart condition bars me from many activities. I had a strong purpose in life and I feel like it’s all gone and I’m just getting older. My boyfriend suffers from debilitating anxiety and some agoraphobia and he doesn’t drive and I don’t live near family so it all falls on my shoulders. I just wanna die. So don’t worry about not having had kids. It was the greatest mistake of my life.

      • Anonymous

        I also need to say I worked at a cubicle at a great tech company many years ago and even though it was very challenging it was great and I miss it. Cubicle jobs are so great compared to restaurant shit jobs or selling some product to an unwilling audience. Seriously . You just don’t know how good you have it until you lose it.

        If I had a cubicle I would fill it with cool plants , artificial day light lamp , a picture of a tiger, magnets, thinking and productivity words , a calendar and a plush toy . And I would drink coffee until my eyes shrivel with joy knowing I wouldnt have a child with half a heart and I’d smile knowing my life is not on hold.

    • From Venus With Love

      You definitely don’t need to be a parent.

  • Mama

    I know how you feel. My girl is 23 now and I thought once she turned 18 I would be able to back off and stop the worrying, wondering what she is doing etc. Well I was wrong. Its just a different set of worries. Part of the reason I left the family home was the constant friction between her and I (she was 11). I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had/have no idea how to parent. I thought what my mom did with me would be what I did with her, again very wrong. The yelling, disobeying with absolutely everything was utterly mentally and physically exhausting. Doc even put me on antidepressants which did help somewhat. In hindsight I probably should have stayed where I was because I am no happier now then I was then. I wonder what life would have been like without kids, I am thinking I still would be married to my first husband, and I wouldn’t feel like I’m somewhat trapped. I also have anxiety about her, her well being, whereabouts, drinking etc which I am seeing a therapist for. Sometimes just running away with no way to reach me sounds wonderful.

  • Jenni Reid

    This thought had not crossed my mind until my girls became teenagers, rebellious as can be expected, and backed their dad’s lies in court to destroy the life that I had worked so hard to build since giving up my education to be a mother 15 years prior. Then everything that I sacrificed without thinking began to run through my mind. Where would I be had I continued my college education rather than slaving after them day in and day out and working sometimes 50, 60 hours a week to support them after their dad left me for another woman, alone with 3 young girls and no child support required me to come up with something to provide for my girls, and I wasn’t going to make him pay if he didnt feel responsible; that would be on him. My girls were spoiled and continue to hang onto the lies they formed to facilitate their father moving in with their dad and stepmom where my hopes for their futures having promise dissolved to make way for wild concerts, alcohol and drug use, dropping out of high school and teenage pregnancy. Meanwhile I lost my job after having my wages garnished fraudulently and my home, my pride in motherhood, and my sanity as I have PTSD from the way my kids were handed over to poverty stricken sociopaths who would rather attack me for money and threaten me with jail time than work for a living, yet claim that posting I love you messages to my own daughters whom they won’t let me see is harrassment and worthy of a restraining order…But I still don’t think having children ruined my life, while indeed my life has been completely ruined. The government ruined it by denying my civil right to a fair trial and my children the right to have both parents and have their best interest afforded to them. Yeah, having kids, that was what gave me a life. I was a verifiable supermom. It was my life’s work, it gave me true purpose, and was my calling. No amount of traveling or accomplishment from a fancy career would ever have come close to the value and worth I felt every time my kids needed their mommy. Think about how you would feel if they were gone tomorrow and maybe things will fall more into perspective for you.
    You have been given a precious gift. Hold them as much as you can.

  • Marlee

    I have 3 children, the oldest with Paranoid schizophrenia from the age of 3. I had her at 16. I foolishly believed in happy endings that everything would work out in the end. I got married, graduated college by 23, off to a solid life right? WRONG! Having children wrecked my marriage, my sanity, my dreams and my health. As I write this that 3 year old is now 38, strung out on drugs, I have no idea where she is, the middle daughter is a narcissitic horror, even her own son, my grandson, despises her as do I and I get along reasonably well with the youngest daughter and my grandchildren with her. My marriage is long dead with all of the stress, divorced 20 years ago and never re-married, who would want to deal with all of this fucking stress and nightmare.

    Due to poor choices, I spent 1 year in prison in 2010 in my 40s. Guess what, prison was MUCH easier than motherhood. MUCH.EASIER! I was terrified when I was first sentenced and went there but after 1 week, it wasnt nearly as bad as raising 3 ungrateful children to adulthood on my own. The nights where I would wake up in a cold sweat wondering whats getting ready to get shut off because I cant pay, the loss jobs when my oldest would act up and assault children and I had to take off work, the misery and drudgery, the teenage years with backtack, just was awful. I wound up having heart problems in my 40s because of all of the stress and misery of raising these children.

    If given a choice between motherhood and 5 years in prison, I would happily do the five years because once it over, its over and you get to live your life. Motherhood is 18 years of prison or even longer

    I am now in my 50s, putting myself first, watching my health, traveling, forgiving and loving myself. I look 20 years younger, smile more and try to be happy with each sunrise. But I am hear to tell you, if I knew what life would be like with children, I would have NEVER had any! If you are having any doubts about having children, please dont, your life will be probably be quite miserable

  • Jo


  • Bubba

    For fuck’s sake people! No one orders you to procreate! Contraceptions, adoption, abortion are real fucking things. Why do you freely decide to ruin your lifes with kids? And then complain about it ruining everybody else mood?

  • Mary

    I really wanted my child as an older mother .I went they’d terrible pregnancy and was happy when I hadn’t son. But I expected more support from his dad and my family. Which I got barely any . After splitting with his dad dye to harrassment from his family, was alone happy a few years, but the strain of no support was bad when my son got anxiety at the final school year . I now feel trapped with him inside , which I never did when he was younger so much .
    Now I pray for return of some normality , and to have a house empty a while whilst my son goes to college, which I can only hope.

    • Mary

      Sorry, should say through terrible pregnancy, happy when I had my son

  • TrueLoveIsSelfLove

    When the kids are grown and on their own physically (they will never be financially), then you can take up where you stopped to have kids. Just do something in the interim for yourself, however small, to keep those skills, even if it is just a few hours each week to give yourself a break. The time will come when you will be alone again, and no one will care if you got to live your dreams or not. I know; I am 61.

  • Anonymity

    I never wanted kids, but had a birth control failure while we lived in a required “spousal consent for abortion” state. My husband refused to sign the consent form so I was forced to carry out the pregnancy.

    I tried my best to be a good mother, but I was miserable most of the time, stuck in a situation I did not want. And, most important, it’s also not fair for a kid to be saddled with a parent who would very happily undo their parenthood status if they could.

    Kid is now grown and I can honestly say that parenthood is a miserable life sentence. You toil and deal and muddle through and once they grow up, you get to watch them eff up their lives via bad decisions and, of course, it is all your fault. It never ends, until you die.

  • PrettiestLilAngelYoullEverReve

    This post is so beautifully written. I would kill for your writing ability. It really hits home. I am suffering with the death of all of my hopes and dreams and the beautiful life I had planned and had before. People tell me I should be happy and grateful and fulfilled. My life was filled with all the things I actually wanted beforehand and I have already had to give up so much for something I NEVER wanted. And no one understands