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How To Be Friends With A Working Mother

A primer.

By Kelley Cunningham

Mothers who work outside the home do irreparable damage to their children, particularly their sons. My mother worked outside the home back when most middle class mothers didn't and it has screwed me up for life. I resented the fact that she was never there when I got up in the morning, was never there when I got home from school, never stayed home to care for me when I was sick, and did not give me the love and affection I needed. I will likely take my own life someday as a result of the pain which endures. If a woman isn't going to stay home and care for her children then she should refrain from having them. Working mothers are the scum of the earth.

Posted by: jim | Jun 04, 2006 21:24

Okay, dude, you have serious problems and this is probably not the appropriate forum. It's a shame you blame your poor mother for your f-ed up problems.

Posted by: Courtney Blaylock | Jun 12, 2006 14:30

Let's not forget about those other working moms-those who don't have the incredible luxury of deciding to stay home. Some have to decide between staying home and actually feeding the baby. We feel incredibly guilty, yes. Are we doing harm to our children? Probably. Would it be worse to stay at home (providing that you could have a home with no money) and have no health insurance, no money for gymboree or clothes for that matter. I haven't solved the dilemna but more than likely I will have to attend my son's counseling sessions in the future and atone for all my sins.

Posted by: Michelle | Jul 07, 2006 14:13

Michelle, I've been a working mom, a stay-at-home mom, a freelance mom and now I'm a working mom again, and I know how hard it is no matter what road a mother chooses or what road is forced upon her depending on the circumstances. Interesting how it's usually the moms who take on most of the guilt, no matter what we do.

What I was trying to say here was that when I was a stay-at-home mom I was often hurt and disappointed at how SOME working mothers were terribly condescending towards stay-at-homes, and often expected the stay-at-homes to do most of the school volunteering etc because "we had nothing else to do." I'm sure part of that resentment came from the guilt they felt.

I also was trying to say that some stay-at-homes were smug and mean to the working moms, insinuating that they are better mothers because they are home all day with their kids. I'm sure part of that stay-at-home smugness comes from a need to justify their own choice to stay home, despite the many disappointments.

I try to point out that the moments that they supposedly stayed home for, things they didn't want to "miss," often turned into fiascos anyway and they wind up sobbing in the bathroom out of the lonely frustration staying home all day often brings. Not to mention the confusion it fosters in some women who feel like they've dropped out of the 'real" world, and even though they did this "for their kids" they wonder if it makes a damn bit of difference in the end anyway.

I think a lot of working moms fantasize about the wonderful things they are missing with their kids all day long, and I try to point out in a funny way that it ain't necessarily so!

Perhaps I should have been clearer making my point about the women who turn stay-at-home parenting into a competitive new career and my deep disappointment at how fractured our community of mothers has become, in large part because a lot of these "supermoms" put so much pressure on themselves, their children, and in turn the rest of us, forcing us to play catch-up, doubting our own mothering abilities.

And there's also a huge difference between working to put food on the table and working to be able to afford bloated, materialistic lifestyle. But that's another discussion!

No matter what we all choose to do, it's so damn hard. And we'll all be attending our kids' counseling sessions, no doubt! The last thing I want to do is divide mothers further, but perhaps it sparks discussion so that's a good thing. Thank you for reading my column. You might like the "Quality Shmality" one better!

All best,
Kelley

Posted by: Kelley Cunningham | Jul 07, 2006 20:58

Hi, I just came here from A Mommy with Attitude and wanted to say that I enjoyed this post, I hope in the spirit it was written. What is the point of fighting about it we're all on the same side in the end.

Posted by: Kit | Aug 01, 2006 15:04

Well said, Kit. Being a mother is difficult, no matter what road you choose. Being a mother with loving, supportive, well intentioned and non-judgmental girlfriends is balm to the soul. May we all find those people who stand by us regardless of our choices!

Posted by: CrankMama | Sep 01, 2006 12:17

Kelley, you are an excellant writer.
The honesty in your writing is a great comfort to those who wonder, "Is it just me, or... ?"
Normally, when I miss work I read Dilbert.
Now, when I'm frustrated at home or at OPK I'll read your writing (I understand that this in no way obligates you to be my therapist).
And when I deal with those coming off the work wagon, I will try to be patient while they decompress.

Posted by: hblue | Dec 05, 2006 11:00

You are brilliant sister! Wonderful style and content. Freaking hilarious!

I can not comment on this right now because I have to rescue my 1 year from atop the refridgerator he just climbed! How did he do it? It baffles the mind. Hold on baby......mama's coming!

Posted by: Robin Matteri Hall | Feb 01, 2007 14:34

wow...that was written very well and i so enjoyed the comedic aspect, but i also feel like i've been told how rotten i am for working. :(

no harm intended but, i'm a working mother, NOT by choice. i have to work to provide for my household. if i had the choice, i would stay at home, but i would also be broke and heating my house by sterno while eating crackers a la peanut butter.

work is okay, but it is not completely fulfilling for me. when i get home from work, i'm so excited to see my little red-headed fire of a child. to spend five hours with her, makes my day. it also makes me sad when i have to leave her the next morning. part of me is missing when i'm not with her.

believe me, i NEVER look down my nose on anyone who stays-at-home. my best friend kept my daughter for me the first year of her life, so i could avoid daycare/illness/etc. i respected her very much for caring for my child and also caring for her own four year-old.

my best friend and i are on opposite ends of the spectrum, but we are very open and honest and are respectful and not jealous of each other's choice(s), but we are also the type of friends that make the conscious effort to be FRIENDS, in all realms.

believe me, i've been told many a time, that i am the ONLY mother at the daycare (15 children in my daughter's class) who actually does anything above and beyond their requests. if there are parties, i am there. if they need volunteers, i am there. i try do anything extra i can b/c i cannot stay at home.

and yes, i feel extremely guilty, but my mother was single and worked three jobs. i turned out just fine, and i don't blame the world or my mother because of my own faulty choices. watching her work so very hard for me gave me the added push to do well for myself and to love her even more.

you're right...this forum of stay-at-home or work is so overdone...you do what you have to do.

Posted by: Rani | Jul 09, 2007 23:01

Hi, Kelley:

Happened across your rantings on the internet. Thought I'd say hello. It's the former Coyleface.

Like your work!

- PF

Posted by: Pat Fletcher | Jul 21, 2007 14:32

Parenthood as a competitive sport is ridiculous - and usually only played out by women who are insanely jealous that other women can work full time and also do everything you do at home all day - in the same amount of time. You just don't like us 'invading' your territory - mainly because we do it better!

You don't need a primer on how to be friends with a working mother - you need chiropractic care to unwedge your head from your ass.

TWIT!

Posted by: Melinda | Sep 27, 2007 13:22

Oh for God's sake, Melinda, this is a humor column! Tone it down. Can't you see that the whole point of the writing is saying exactly what you are saying, that parenthood as competition is ridiculous? All of my writing is about that. And besides, I've been a full time stay-at-home as well as a single working mother and everything in between, so I think I know this subject matter as well as anyone.

You say you don't like us "invading your territory" and that you "do it better," while raging at me for supposedly turning parenthood into a competition. Don't you see that's exactly what YOU did with the response you wrote?

Posted by: Kelley Cunningham | Sep 27, 2007 19:17

I too have stayed at home and also worked. I now have older kids (9,11,13) and run a business out of my home.

In my humble opinion there isn't a "right way" to do things. It's very individual for each family. What works for one family may not work for another, and a working mother should not be made to feel selfish for having career goals and ambition. Nor should she feel guilty for using a nanny or daycare.

An at-home mom shouldn't feel like some brainless turd (or be treated like one) because she has chosen to make a career sacrifice and become financially dependent on her partner. I do have the concern about her retirement, however. When a man stays home with the kids, people get up in arms about this, but no one cares about a woman's retirement. Why the double standard?

It's sad that the current state of our culture is such that children aren't truly valued, whether they are cared for (during the day) at home or in child care centers. The supposed "ideal" is for mom to stay home, so there is a lack of funding and quality child care for working parents. But for at home moms, they take such a financial hit too. There is something seriously wrong with this!!!

But then you hear some make the argument that "you shouldn't have had kids if you can't afford them". Well, when families are paying out the ass for Social Security taxes, and we won't see any of it later, you have to wonder who is valued in our society.

Posted by: A Different Michelle | Oct 04, 2007 16:45

One way for the working moms and at-home moms to get along is to drop all the crap about "And what do YOU do"?

Why can't it just be about mothering? I know I'll catch some flack about this, but maybe the "mommy wars" are because mommies are WOMEN.

Women do tend to be a little on the backstabbing and competitive side. It's something we are biologically programmed to do. We "compete" for mates since bearing children requires such a huge commitment of time and resources. This behavior, although not pretty, has ensured our species' survival for so long. But now that we aren't in any threat of extinction, we don't need it. But it's hard to shake.

That mother who seems to have it all together and got her figure back quickly after giving birth? Everyone hates her? Why is this?

The woman who has the great career and seems to be happy with it? The at-home moms hate her. The at-home mom who loves being at home with her new baby? The working moms talk about how stupid she is for letting her brain rot and letting her day revolve around her kid's bowel movements.

Can't it just be about being mothers? Can't we exchange recipes and time-saving tips no matter what our circumstances are? Who has enough time these days? NO ONE!!!

How hard can it be to find common ground with another human being?

Posted by: A Different Michelle | Oct 04, 2007 17:00

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