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It Works For Us

Alternative family structure doesn't mean bad family structure.

By Elizabeth Ross

Elizabeth,
So well said! Even though there are all sorts of families out there, it still seems that everyone assumes once you have kids that you fit into the nuclear family stereotype.

I had twins with a man I didn't marry and thank GOD I didn't. When people say things like "out of wedlock" I think "Get with the program!! What do you THINK all those stats about divorce and unhappy marriages mean?"

Thanks for giving an important voice to this issues.

--Rachael
CrankMama

Posted by: CrankMama | Nov 18, 2006 17:50

You are so right! I have two boys, by the same man, and while we lived together we didn't see the point of "making it legal." And almost everyone could not see that this was fine for us. Our boys had two loving parents, and for us this was enough. Isn't that better than getting married and then divorced? We did things the other way around. We have been together for 26 years now, and have been married for the last eight. So, you do what works for you, and if other people don't like it - so what?

Posted by: Lyn | Nov 27, 2006 09:56

I am glad to hear that there are other women out there that understand these choices. I have a very similar story, divorced, started dating, and oops. The difference is he left. My 15 month old has never seen his father and probably never will. It amazes me how horrible people are about my choice to keep the baby. Even now, it seems that my keeping him, cost me a majority of my friends. The ironic part is most of them were single mothers and then found new loves. Suddenly I am the pariah because they got married. (not remarried, but married).

Posted by: Angela | Dec 28, 2006 16:58

As I was reading your story I was thinking about the various comments I have heard from so many people about my own unmarried mother-ness. They were generally from the family of the man, who were Jehova's Witnesses and so very traditional (although not traditional enough to have a son who abstained from pre-maratal sex) and my father who is an old school New England purist, and whose first question to me on hearing I was pregnant was "do you know who the father is?". I was relieved when my mother, a font of wisdom nowadays, urged me not to get married. I was not even entertaining the idea but getting the nod from mom sealed the deal. After the families got the marrige question out of thier systems, I got to deal with the public and all it's opinions. Frankly, being an interracial became the first beef with people, (my favorite comment from several people 'but what about the baby?) the fact that I was unmarried did not come up as often as it might. When it did, it came with a vengence. Of all the times I had complete strangers impose thier views, my favorite was the hairdresser. Now, I had never thought that beuty shops were a bastion of strong values, but I lerned my lesson that day! As she was clipping away, we were chatting about this and that, somehow my pregnacy came up. I saw a distinct pause and glance toward my fingers, then a timid "um....are you two planning a wedding?" I told her that no, there would be no wedding, no marrage, and we had not moved in together yet. It was as if I had droped the f-bomb at a Barney Live show. She was unable to regain normal conversation after that, and I took great joy in watching her wiggle and squirm and try not to offend me, the one with the tip. Needless to say, I did not return to get a trim and I am still single and VERY happy that I listed to my mother!

Posted by: Karen | Mar 21, 2007 16:24

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