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What happened to my husband's sex drive?

By Kristen Chase

Awesome article! It was humorous and to the point. Granted my husband isn't libido-less, there are times he acts like he doesn't wish to have sex. I think you're right, these men freak out when their wives become mothers. That's so ridiculous!

Posted by: Dana | Mar 02, 2007 10:01

I adore you for this. I'm not married or a mom, but I do have the higher sex drive in our relationship. I've found that masturbating next to him works. Also, doing to him what you would like him to do to you - shoulder massage, pushing your naked body against his back and gently squeezing his hips at bedtime.

A "don't" I have is don't constantly complain to him about it. "Why don't you ever want to have sex? Am I ugly? Do you hate me??" It makes you less attractive. If you want to talk about it, then talk about it, but don't "hint" at it by complaining. He's not going to bring it up. I've found that when I go the happy/playful route, it is MUCH more effective than the whiny route. Whiny is NOT sexy.

And, remember it's not your fault. You can compound the problem (whininess, for example), but the root lies with him. Know what he likes - let him know what you like. Novelty seems to be required for men a lot more than for women - give it to him, try something new. You might find it's fun, too. :) (And, if he doesn't like it sexually, it'll probably at least be good for a laugh, together.)

Kristen - you ROCK my SOCKS. *swoon*

Posted by: Amanda | Mar 02, 2007 13:45

Serious answer here from a guy:

He is probably addicted to internet porn and is pleasuring himself all the time.

I believe this is a common problem and not one that is talked about or admitted to but I'll bet it is the main reason.

Posted by: abc | Mar 02, 2007 22:10

I did all the things you suggested. And now I am divorced. Not because of the suggestions, but because of his lack of interest and other issues.

No, he wasn't addicted to internet porn. He's not gay. He finally told me that he did not find me attractive anymore. But to be honest, he just flat not interested in sex.

Posted by: ravenous | Mar 03, 2007 10:58

abc - are you serious? Internet porn? Hell, *I'm* addicted to porn and I still want sex. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. If a person who is not interested in sex is also watching a great deal of porn, the porn is probably a symptom and not the problem. For instance, it could be a rare and unfortunate case of loss of attraction... or maybe he's craving novelty (and, rather than go have sex with some 18 year old hottie, he'll just masturbate to one on the computer...) Masturbation also requires less effort (for most people), and so it's a great way to get release when you're just too exhausted to have sex (there are few things worse than finally getting to have sex only to be so tired halfway through that you have to stop).

There are lots of reasons why a man could lose interest - but I think it's more likely exhaustion/stress/boredom/trying to be nice/etc than a porn addiction or homosexuality. I'm pretty sure those are extremes.

Posted by: Amanda | Mar 03, 2007 16:08

Very well put Amanda, here i go sticking my foot in my mouth,sometimes men just cant keep there sex swith on 24/7its not you,if he is watching porn and not responding to you try something eles like giving him a nice massage see where it goes from there.

Posted by: nightstic | Mar 04, 2007 12:07

ABC--I'm pretty sure that I look a hell of a lot more internet porn than my husband and it hasn't dried me up yet.

As for the article and the other comments, it was great to read them. I do admit to becoming pretty embittered by my husband's lack of a sex drive, which doesn't help things at all. Amanda's suggestion to keep that in check is a good one. I wish there was one surefire tactic that could resolve the situation to the liking of both my husband and me, but I guess life doesn't operate that way. Great article!

Posted by: Binky | Mar 07, 2007 15:19

One statistic that I heard several years ago that I thought was very telling was this, most men who use escort services do not use them for sex. They simply want to talk. That goes against the stereotypical view of male sexuality but men need conversation as much as women. If there is a chronic problem with a couple's sex life, there is usually a problem with the relationship as a whole. To supercharge your sex life, you need to devote 15 hours a week to giving your spouse your undivided attention. No, I'm not talking about 15 hours of sex. Just 15 hours of time to do what ever it is that you both enjoy doing.If you invest the time in the relationship, the sex will follow.

Posted by: Joel | Jul 24, 2007 10:45

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