Read comments for:

Detachment Parenting

AP? It's just not my thing.

By Kelly Reising

Way to go Kelly,as a detached attached parent, I agree. After all aren't we trying to raise independent responsible citizens. You are Mom of the year!

Posted by: Colleen Leffman | Nov 14, 2006 09:07

Yay, finally another mother who doesn't think that formula is evil! And I can count on one hand the number of times my children have shared my bed, and that's never even been for a whole night. Great article Kelly, can't wait to read more.

Posted by: Colleen O. | Nov 14, 2006 14:54

Good for you – The, us and them, divides, not unites parents.
Most of us are in the middle. We are neither “attached” or detached” we’re “loving”.

It sounds like you’ve run into the “sanctimonious parent”! They exist for every parenting style. Sigh, too many fanatics, not enough real Moms! In my circle, we have La Leche League leaders using baby carriers and Baby wearers using “cry it out” when sleep is just a “must”. This, I believe is not only healthy…it’s reality.

What’s interesting is when you take a look at what Dr.Sears, the inventor of attachment parenting, says at www.askdrsears.com, it’s illuminating. “Attachment parenting is an approach, not a set of rules…you can pick and choose which of those fit your personal parent-child relationship.” Some of them are excellent ideas…some of them…”oh, come on!”. Even Dr. Sears used non-attachment parenting on his first three…and per his bio...they turned out fine!

Posted by: MC Milker | Nov 18, 2006 12:14

You go, girl! So true, all of it. I am right there with you, and I think all three of my girls are turning out A-OK. My lipgloss on the other hand, that is a whole other story!!

Posted by: Rachael | Nov 22, 2006 20:04

Hi!

I found this page when I googled "detached parenting". I share many of your points of wiew but in my country it wouldn't be possible to say it out loud I believe.

A question; Here everyone says that it is the pregnancy that makes the boobs sag, not breast-feeding. Do "they" say something else overthere?

Take care!
Love from
Tove - Stockholm, Sweden

Posted by: Tove | Dec 02, 2006 19:07

So you denied your children the best start in life so your breasts don't sag? At least you admit to being selfish.

Posted by: Jeannie | Mar 06, 2007 18:42

Are you me? Because I swear that I could've written nearly every word of that piece. Including the part about having two daughters, three years apart.

I did use the Bjorn, but it was because I am the original multitasker and couldn't stand not to have my hands available - to feed myself lunch, to wipe my own arse, to hand over my credit card to the grocery store cashier.

And I did breastfeed, but my own convenience was a major factor in that decision. But you can bet those nighttime bottles - administered by my husband - started as early as possible.

To Jeannie - ptttthhhhht. There's plenty of selflessness (and guilt) in motherhood. Your judgment is quite unhelpful, thank you.

Posted by: mothergoosemouse | Mar 17, 2007 15:13

Absolutely love this post. I was never into AP either, and feel the exact same way you do. Very well written :)

Posted by: Lisa | Apr 15, 2007 01:25

My mother did what you do and now I have reactive attachment disorder. The reason that women choose attachment parenting is because it's the way nature intended babies to be raised and the farther you wander from that formula the more screwed up your kids will be. Did you know that 98 percent of sociopaths and murderers were formula fed? I'm not saying that your kids will become killers or sociopaths but if they are already detached then it is too late and they will not develop the part of their brain that allows them to have normal relationships with other people, or even really care about anyone but theirselves. This is science, not opinion. Please think about your children. They will never be normal happy people because you chose to be selfish. If you so a little research you will find that your children will suffer forever because you made these choices. I'm not judging you.... I'm really trying to help.

Posted by: Katie | Apr 26, 2007 12:17

"now I have reactive attachment disorder"

Lol. Is this psycho-babble?!

Posted by: Annie | May 12, 2007 13:13

Each to their own. We chose a more nurturing route. I hope that all our kids turn out to be awesome people for the sake of the future of the world. I hope neither of us has regrets.

Posted by: whatever | May 17, 2007 23:33

Omigod, I have to laugh out loud.
I am sure that there are many other reasons behind your current issues and they do not stem from the fact that you weren't worn on your mother's chest.
Seriously, people, come on now.
I formula feed my son (GASP), I put him in a stroller (GASP AGAIN), and I even let him play on his own (DEAR GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Does his face light up when I come into the room? ABSOLUTELY. Does he smile with joy when I snuggle him? DEFINITELY. Do I think that he is going to become a serial killer because I use formula? SPARE ME.
If babies who are formula fed are more prone to becoming serial killers then most babies born between 1970-the early nineties must be prone to insanity and murderous thoughts.
Why are some mothers so judgemental to mother's who don't do what you think is right? I personally feel that the way that I am parenting my son is just fine, so does that mean I should judge you for breastfeeding? No, I think to each his own. If you want to follow all of the rules of attached parenting, feel free. However, it's not for me and that is okay too.
Plus, I think that you have just as much of a chance of having a child who rebels against you as I do. Perhaps even more because maybe eventually the attachment will get smothering, and perhaps eventually your child will have wanted some more independence and feel so enmeshed that he\she needs to break free.
Do I hug, kiss and play with my son, yes, I do. I adore him and he is my absolute priority, but at the same time, I am parenting without a bunch of rules telling me what to do. And you know what, he is just fine thank you.

Posted by: Alexis | May 24, 2007 10:04

I just looked up the diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder, and the cause of such is still not fully known. HOwever, basically there are thoughts that it can result from severe disruption in early relationships ie neglect and abandonment not formula feeding and being put in a stroller.
It is not the result of a parent who does not follow the attachment parenting philosophy but likely from an abusive and neglectful environment.
I feel for anyone who has this diagnosis but I resent the implication that because I don't use the attachment parenting philosophy that my son will have this disorder. He will not because I shower him with love and affection but I also am allowing him to have some space and independence. Both vital for the development of a healthy and well adjusted child.

Posted by: Alexis | May 24, 2007 10:14

I want to amend something that I wrote.
I didn't mean to insinuate that I am laughing at Katie's diagnosis.
I am laughing at the thought that by feeding my son formula some think that I may be making a serial killer.
I think that most credible psychiatric and psychological professionals will say that serial killers often come from abusive and neglectful homes, not because they were fed infant formula.

Posted by: Alexis | May 24, 2007 10:22

I want to respond to Alexis, you need to understand how human behavior works, and also what attachment parenting is about. If you invite a child's dependency needs, meet them, and fulfill them, your child will not cling to you more and be angry with you for not "giving her independence." True independence is a natural consequence of fulfilled dependence. There is no short cut! If people who do not support ap want respect for their decisions, they should likewise respect people who choose attachment parenting, and not suggest that we are smothering our children or don't want them to become independent. Actually, I don't want my son to be independent, because independence doesn't exist, I want my son to be interdependent, because he needs to know when to help himself and when he needs to seek help from others. The more reliable the mother is, the more self-reliant the child!

Also, I did not read any statement by Katie that suggested that by formula feeding, you are creating a killer. By denying intimacy and dependence you could potentially create problems, and ap offers tools you might use to invite intimacy and dependence, one of which is breastfeeding. But I will boldly make the statement that if you have a child who has a difficult nature or temperament and you deny her the intimacy and dependency that every child deserves by birthright, you could potentially be molding a sociopath or killer.

Posted by: Charlotte | May 31, 2007 15:19

I understand where you are coming from Charlotte, however, because a person does not subscribe to ap does not mean that we are denying intimacy. I adore my son and he adores me, that is clear. I shower him with hugs and kisses and I hold him every chance I get. We play together, but I also give him the chance to play on his own while I get things done.
What I don't do is follow a certain set of rules or expectations. I follow my heart and I follow my son's lead.
You mention my need to respect your decision, and in no way did I say that I didn't. However, you are implying in your message that I am denying my son intimacy and until you are sitting in my home and observing something to the contrary of what I am doing then you are in no position to imply or outright state that I am denying intimacy. Anyone who knows me and my son would tell you that I am one of the most hands on parents they have seen. However, I am simply not subscribing to a certain set of rules.
I resent any implication that I am an unreliable mother. When my son cries, I am there in a heartbeat. When he looks up to me with a grin, I smile and give him kisses. I am one of the most reliable mother's I know and I know that I am doing a fantastic job with my son.

Posted by: Alexis | Jun 02, 2007 08:25

I want to add something in further response. It is interesting to me that much of what I wrote was conveniently omitted in Charlotte's response. She did not address any of what I wrote in terms of how I do attend to my son, and how he has thrived. Instead what is focused on is that I don't subscribe to ap and therefore what I am doing is inherently wrong and unreliable. Please when commenting look at the big picture. You do not know me and you do not know how I am parenting my son, and to imply that I am somehow not meeting his needs is to suggest that somehow you have been in my home and assessed my son to be unhealthy.
You have your way, I have mine. My son is a happy healthy baby and yours is very likely just as happy and healthy.
The problem that can arise (and please note I said CAN not Will) when people subscribe to any specific belief system is that they CAN believe it to be the best and only one that is effective.
There is no one single method for parenting that is perfect. Parenting is wraught with imperfections no matter how we do it.
My response to Katie was designed to indicate that simply because I do not follow ap does not mean that I have neglected the needs of my son in any way. And until you know otherwise, please refrain from implying that those of us who do not follow ap are unreliable and improper parents.

Posted by: Alexis | Jun 02, 2007 09:08

Whoah, Alexis, I did not say anything about how you are raising your son because that was not my point. My point was to combat your statement that our children won't want to attach to us because we are denying them independence. I never said that being attached to a child had to be behind the title of attachment parenting, or that you or someone else was missing it some kind of way by not being in the attachment parenting group. You are not special enough to me for me to make an assumption or provide advice on your parenting. I'm sure you are a great parent, and I'm sure you are attached to your son, but quite frankly I don't care and that was not my point. I never said that a person has to breastfeed, co-sleep, or anything else in order to produce an attached child, and neither does anyone else I know who conscientiously subscribes to attachment parenting. In fact, the only reason why it may appear that it is some rigid way of living is that the main people who conscientiously join ap support groups are people who do breastfeed, co-sleep, etc., because that is the only place they can go without being criticized. But is it the only way? No, and no ap parent makes that statement, and neither does ap suggest that itself. Fulfilling dependency needs does have to be done, but there are far too many ways to get there. Dr. Sears tells every parent, you are the best parent for your child. I was just saying that we have to fulfill our children's needs, I wasn't saying that there is a formula for doing so, and neither does Sears, or any ap advocates. The tools that are suggested within ap are highly criticized, and that's why people who utilize the tools have to find support somewhere.

In defense of the girl's statement I think she was just suggesting the same, but perhaps in a more rigid way. But remember, she is not an ap parent, at least not to my knowledge, she is a kid or person with RAD. No offense to her, I'm just defending her stance.

Posted by: Charlotte | Jun 23, 2007 02:29

Sad, really. What, may I ask, gave anyone the idea that attachment parents can't put their babies down and take a shower? That's some strange reasoning there. Sure, if you would rather have your birth in the most dangerous place (the hospital) go for it. Obviously no one is stopping you, much less this medical establishment which prizes its interventions and its abysmal infant mortality rate.

As to your breasts? They're going to sag. Not a thing you can do about that. If the pregnancy didn't do it, the years will. And they go by quicker than you think. Nothing can stop them either.

I just have to say this - Dr. Sears "INVENTED" attachment parenting? I don't know if he coined the TERM but he most certainly didn't invent the principles lol. Observing cultures around the world and throughout history to see how they have raised their children, then passing on that knowledge to others, is not "invention." Ok? Baby-wearing is as old as the hills and predates human beings altogether. There are African countries that are literally fighting to keep strollers out of their countries because they don't want to be separated from wearing their babies (which is actually more convenient and natural for primates) who have expressed a laughing concern that "What's next? Telling us not to breastfeed in public?" They think it's funny, but then they don't live in this sick culture where women are thrown out of ToysRUs or Applebees for nursing.

My son slept with us because I actually wanted to get some *sleep* and there was no way I was going to otherwise. (My daughter did fine in a crib, though it was in our room.)

I dunno, I realize this is all a backlash against those awful, proselytizing AP people, but jeez, they're fighting a century or more of ludicrous, anti-baby, anti-nurturing prejudice in this country (which is still going on.) Give them a break. If you listen, you just might find they actually know a thing or two. When my children were still children, co-sleeping was considered practically criminal, nursing was frowned upon and even criminalized (in public at least) and AP was just for whackos. If it's become more mainstream - awesome!

Posted by: AnaBanana | Feb 12, 2008 04:28

I'm with AnaBanana--there are some serious misconceptions about attachment parenting here. Probably your children won't be serial killers--actually they'll probably fit in perfectly to the American culture that privileges this so-called "independence" over a sense of responsibility for others.

Posted by: Amy | Feb 16, 2008 13:52

All things said and done, thanks for the article!! And no matter what parenting style, no mother (who's right in the head) is going to intentionally mistreat her child. We want the best for ourselves and our kids, so lets just respect each other.

Posted by: Brooklann | Feb 16, 2008 22:08

I was respectful. (By the way, thanks Amy.) But that doesn't make all choices equally good, and no need to pretend they are. And I'm going to say it one more time - those breasts are going to sag no matter what you do. It's called time and aging. Not that nursing causes sagging to begin with. But even if it did, admitting to being callously selfish shouldn't garner applause. I don't agree, and I respectfully explained why.

Posted by: AnaBanana | Feb 22, 2008 20:50

LOVE LOVE LOVE this article!! I feel the same way. If you aren't AP, co-sleeping, nursing, baby-wearing and etc., it seems like your a "bad mom" or something. Kudos to the author of this article!!

Posted by: Kiemisha | May 05, 2008 10:38

Thank you so much Kiemisha! Glad you liked my article-
:) Kelly Reising

Posted by: Kelly Reising | May 05, 2008 12:41

i find this article very offensive and degrading to the ap style. i understand if you dont want to practice ap, or it's not for you, but why do you feel the need to poke fun at it? immature...

Posted by: ashley | May 05, 2008 23:48

Are you kidding me? I can see this writer doesn't take her relationship with her children seriously. What a joke!!! Detached is RIGHT!

Posted by: jill | May 06, 2008 00:21

Obviously some of you need to consult your dictionary regarding the words "humor" and "satire".

Posted by: prescott | May 06, 2008 00:45

WOW, could you be any more judgemental of parents who do practice attachment parenting? And frankly, I think you're selfish. Not breastfeeding because you don't want your boobs to sag?? Give me a break! I breastfed for 18 months (gasp :-O) and my boobs don't sag!

There are many ways to be "you" and still attachment parent.

Posted by: Chara | May 06, 2008 10:08

There seem to be many misconceptions about AP, and the people who practice it. AP is not all black and white, there's a big grey area as well.

I consider myself and my husband AP. We breast feed, cloth diaper, wear our kids in wraps, we have co-slept, and we make our own organic baby food. On the flip side, both of my kids were born in the hospital (one was induced) and I had meds to help with pain. We also transition our kids to cribs and beds of their own. We aren't against using a bottle if we need to. Our kids have been in infant seats, baby swings, and strollers. Baby Einstein was our best friend for our daughter and both kids love Noggin. We selectively vaccinate our kids and they get regular check ups with the Dr.

How sad it is to see this article, so ignorant and judgmental. I hope your kids are able to grow up with a greater scope of understanding.

Posted by: Kristan | May 06, 2008 11:56

This Article is so absolutely disgusting. I hardly could read it through.
Why would you even have a child, wouldn't you get ugly stretch marks! How is this any different than the most utterly ridiculous statement of not breastfeeding "to keep my perky breasts". The writer must be absolutely and completely ignorant to the benefits of breastfeeding. That is the only reason I could imagine someone saying something that outlandish.
And why is it that people feel the need to bash the AP style - GUILT? Or maybe their own feelings of being an inadequate parent?

Posted by: Very AP and Mad | May 07, 2008 00:32

Please, you AP people can you just go back to your tree hugging ways! Get a freaking sense of humor would ya! Oh that's right "you people" don't have one LOL. (ETA: of course not all AP are like this so sorry to catergerize you)
I sure as heck don't go on an AP site or article and start bashing you. So why come on here and say we are "disgusting" "inadequate parents"?
Look I can care less how you raise your children and you really should care less how "we" raise ours. Until you sleep with my DH, pay my bills or raise my kids (all 5 of them) them please don't tell me how to raise mine.

Posted by: Jamie | May 08, 2008 16:49

To be honest, it is a scientific fact that a mother's breast milk is made specifically for the child she is carrying at the time. This means that each time you become pregnant, the exact chemical make up of your milk changes to suit that one baby in order to enhance things like, say, their IQ, for instance. Your body knows which enzymes are in your baby and what proteins it was more deficient in. I'm not saying that baby formula is bad, but it's not great, either. Breast milk is better. Do your kids a favor and help them have the upper hand. It's one competitive jungle out there and I think it would be horrible to look back in retrospect to find that you have destroyed an opportunity to further the success of your offspring that was so readily available.

BTW, your breasts would have began to sag anyway. It's called aging and maturing which is a normal biological process. Deal with it. If you can't, there's always plastic surgery and therapy. By reading this, I am guessing that your mother either smothered you or was detached in ways you may or may not realize. Also, that girl who claimed to have reactive attachment disorder is probably right. It's not her mother not breast feeding her that hindered her development, but the attitude that was behind her actions. I mean, look at what your posting.You didn't breastfeed your kids. Big deal. Same with not sleeping with them. They could theoretically get smashed. But why do you have to come off as PROUD of detachment? Do you know how terrible that sounds? And the line about your breasts sagging? If you read between the lines you are basically saying that your children are an INCONVENIENCE and you are only close to them when it suits you. They almost sound like pets, not people! My parents were yuppies, too, and that's no excuse. I'm just thankful that my parents knew better because had they not, I would have them pay dearly for it(and they know it!). Instead, I will treat my children with the same love and consideration my parents did for me. I wish there were others who would do the same, but it seems as though America is being destroyed by these toxic ideologies. Hopefully you will grow out of your childishness and realize that the time for that has been long gone. Know that children DO judge their parents as they do other peoples' parents even if they don't realize it. One day, when you are old and haggard, you WILL be at their mercy and you will be a thing of THEIR convenience or inconvenience when you're living in an old folk's home.

Posted by: Biogirl | May 18, 2008 19:28

Wow...I am speechless. What goes around comes around and I hope your daughters turn out healthy and overcome this detachment parenting style of yours. You sow what you reep.

Posted by: Cimbria Peterson | May 30, 2008 21:13

Yeah, no one has ever accused the AP militants of a sense of humor.

Loved the article.

For the humorless APers here: Labeling her parenting style "detachment" is a poke at the idea that only AP parents are "attached" which of course isn't true and irks. . . uh . . . just about every parent who refuses to join a group to label their parenting.

Posted by: a17 | Jun 02, 2008 10:39

Personally, when I have my baby, I'm going to choose Attachment because it seems the cheapest. Have baby at home - no hospital bills. Carry baby in sling, co-sleep, and breastfeed - no need to buy all the many accouterments of modern motherhood. Go as far as elimination communication - cut down on diaper costs. I was formula fed and slept in a nursery and I turned out IMHO more than fine. I'm attached to my parents, even if they chose Ferber. Do whatever you do in genuine love, and you are a great mom (no matter what they scream at you in their tweens).

Posted by: caro | Jun 13, 2008 05:40

Leave a comment: